The Nasty Sanchez

If you know anything about comedy, you know that you can't go wrong by making fun of CNN's Rick Sanchez. And Jon Stewart, whether you like his politics or not, is one of the greatest comedians of his generation.

In cable news, an industry that's actually filled to overflowing with embarrassing stupidity, Mr. Sanchez stands alone. He's a handsome man with a deep voice, impossibly inane opinions and the inability to keep himself from sharing them. Watching a complete retard trying to explain things that he himself has no hope of ever explaining is one of the purest forms of joy in my life.

Look, sometimes folks like me and my best friend, Rahm Emanuel, take heat for making fun of retards from, well, retards like Sarah Palin. But what Governor Palin doesn't know is that sometimes being the butt of jokes is just what retards are for. They're not all going to win that big football game or teach you to love again. As everybody knows, teaching us to love again is Larry King's job. And no, Larry's not retarded. He's just obnoxiously senile. There's a difference, albeit a very narrow one.

It has been my experience with retards that they come in two different varieties, or breeds, if you will. There are the profoundly retarded, who have no idea just how much life sucks and are the happiest people I've ever met. I actually envy them a great deal. Then there are folks like Rick Sanchez, who are painfully aware of how addled they are and know that they are a continuing source of humanity's mirth. This enrages them and sometimes they've been known to lash out.

Unfortunately for us, most retards don't have the platform of satellite radio to lash out from. Fortunately, Sanchez does.

CNN’s Rick Sanchez is not happy with being made fun of constantly on The Daily Show and Colbert Report. It is from this jumping off point that he absolutely unleashed on Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, and at times his own network, on Pete Dominick’s satellite radio show yesterday.

The big takeaway – Sanchez calls Stewart “a bigot,” then walks it back a bit, and he implies CNN is run by Jews.

Oh, this is gonna be so good!

RS- It’s not just the right that does this. cause I’ve known a lot of
elite Northeast establishment liberals that may not use this as a
business model but deep down when they look at a guy like me they look
at a-- they see a guy automatically who belongs in the second tier and
not the top tier.

PD- Why do you say that? Give me an example - because you're Cuban-American…

RS- I had a guy who works here at CNN who's a top brass come to me and
say, ‘You know what, I don't want you to --

PD- ‘Will you wash this dish for me, Sanchez?’

RS- No no, see that’s the thing; it’s more subtle. White folks usually don't see it. But we do - those of us who are minorities and women see it sometimes too from men in authority. Here, I’ll give you my example its this 'You know what, I don't want you anchoring anymore, I really don't see you as an anchor, I see you more as a reporter, I see you more as a John Quinones - you know the guy on ABC. That’s what he told me. He told me he saw me as John Quinones. Now, did he not realize that he was telling me, ‘When I see you I think of Hispanic reporters’? Cause in his mind I can’t be an anchor. An anchor is what you give the high-profile white guys, you know. So he knocks me down to that and compares me to that and it happens all the time i think. To a certain extent Jon Stewart and Colbert are the same way. I think Jon Stewart’s a bigot.

PD- You think Jon Stewart is a bigot? Hold on now were going to get into it, Jon Stewart my old boss, my friend.

RS: Yeah I think he's a bigot.

PD: How is he a bigot?

RS: I think he looks at the world through his mom who was a schoolteacher, and his dad who was a physicist or something like that. Great, I’m so happy that he grew up in a suburban middle class New Jersey home with everything that you could ever imagine.

PD: What group is he bigoted towards?

RS: Everybody else who's not like him. Look at his show! What does he surround himself with?

PD: But listen he picks on Jews all the time, he's a Jew. He focuses on them and I think he overcompensates to some extent.

Yes, Jon Stewart is a smart guy that comes from a family of smart people. You'd be surprised how often that happens. And Rick Sanchez is ... Well, he's Rick Sanchez.

But Rick's about to say something career-ending about the Jews. I can just feel it. Let's all hold hands and find out together, okay?

I’m telling you that everybody who runs CNN is a lot like Stewart, and a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart, and to imply that somehow they, the people in this country who are Jewish, are an oppressed minority? Yeah.

Wow. I mean, wow! I can't be the only one who wants to be the room during Sanchez's next contract negotiation, can I?

There's a certain line of logic in Rick's little pinhead that's important - to say nothing of incredibly entertaining - to follow. "Jon Stewart is a bigot. Jon Stewart is also a Jew. Therefore, Jews are bigots. The people who run CNN are a lot like Stewart, which could mean that their Jews, bigots, or both. Jews like to pretend that their oppressed because they're crafty. Are we done here?"

I was just about to write that Sanchez would be out on his ass and washing dishes by Tuesday at the latest. However, it turns out that the Jews in charge are even faster than I thought.

CNN spokesman Bridget Leininger confirmed to TPM that Rick Sanchez has been fired from CNN. "Rick Sanchez is no longer with the company. We thank Rick for his years of service and we wish him well."

Now Rick's ot part of any tier, y'know, unless al-Jazzeera hires him.

But let's all just try to remember a more innocent time, shall we?