On "Zoning"

You know what? Bill Maher wasn't wrong last Friday night when he referred to Sarah Palin as a "dumb twat," he was just a little premature.

Having said that, I hope that she runs for the presidency and I hope that she wins. She's far and away the most unserious candidate in my lifetime and she's the ideal figurehead for a collapsing country in an era of almost irreversible decline. Why shouldn't a reality TV star be president of the United States, godfuckit? What national dignity is there left to lose? Besides, Palin would still be a better nominee for the Republican party than Newt Gingrich.

Sarah Palin was Snooki before there was a Snooki. She's more than halfway fuckable, entertaining on TV and everybody knows her name. If that's good enough for "Must See TV," it must be good enough for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue! If the United States wants to take itself down in a truly entertaining way, I can think of no better way to do it than electing a President Sarah Palin. She's easily the angriest potential commander-in-chief since Nixon, yet far and away the dumbest.

If you doubt that, just look at her recent forays into foreign policy.

Hours after a terror attack in Jerusalem, Sarah Palin on Wednesday night hammered President Obama for not standing strongly enough behind Israel, conceding too much to the Palestinians, and interfering in a local “zoning issue” – settlement building on the West Bank.

“I think there are many in Israel who would feel even more comfortable knowing that there is an even greater commitment from those who presently occupy the White House that they are there on Israel's side, and that our most valuable ally in that region can count on us,” Palin told Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren in an interview in Naples, Florida.

(...)


Palin struck a pro-Israel tone saying, if she were president, she would take an opposite approach to Obama and stay out of Israel’s way regarding settlements in the West Bank, and take a harder line with Palistineans.

“President Obama was inappropriate to intervene in a zoning issue in Israel,” she said, referring to settlement building on the West Bank. "Let Israel decide their zoning issues themselves.”

Wow. Just .. wow.

There's a lot that can be said about the West Bank, and has been over the years. But I'm almost certain that it's never been called a "zoning issue" by anyone other than a halfway delusional media whore before.

Again, let's look at the history.

Israel conquered the area in the 1967 war and has occupied it ever since. Even they're not shy about saying that. Not only does Israel maintain that position, I'm not aware of a country that doesn't. Israel is, however, pretty much alone in recognizing its annexation of East Jerusalem, which is why almost every country that recognizes Israel has their embassy in Tel Aviv.

Even the Israeli Supreme Court has held that the West Bank has been held under a state of " belligerent occupation, since 1967" and "that the normative provisions of public international law regarding belligerent occupation are applicable. The Regulations Concerning the Laws and Customs of War on Land, The Hague of 1907 and the Fourth Geneva Convention Relative to the Protection of Civilian Persons in Time of War 1949 were both cited."

Not only have the Israeli courts agreed with the standing international law, so has every American president since Lyndon Johnson. Without exception, they've held that the West Bank - including East Jerusalem - are occupied territories. Even though the most recent Bush administration was largely silent on it, they never deviated from it.

Problematically, building settlements on occupied territory is also illegal under international law.Were it not, you'd be seeing a whole lot of Iraqis in downtown Kuwait City these days, which you notably don't.

The United States has unfortunately subsidized the building of those Israeli settlements in the West Bank and Gaza through loan guarantees, which was self-defeating in that they complicated U.S foreign policy in the region and committed itself to an illegal policy. The only halfway courageous president since 1967 was George H.W Bush, who suspended those loan guarantees, but he only did that because Yitzak Shamir unnecessarily complicated the promised Madrid Conference following the Gulf War.

America likes Israel, but it needs oil. And Israel doesn't have any. Every administration since Truman's has been able to fudge the difference by propping up Arab tyrannies. But as we've seen in the last few months, that trend has become untenable in the long term. They actually seem to have started taking U.S rhetoric about self-determination seriously.

Which is great ... if you assume that your average Egyptian feels the way about the Occupied Territories that an unemployed Pittsburgh steelworker - the ideal Sarah Palin voter -  does.

The problem is that that they most probably don't. There is absolutely no reason to believe that newly democratic Arab countries are going to feel any differently about the Occupied Territories than their authoritarian predecessors did. They're actuallyy far more likely, following their own liberation, to take an even harder line toward the Israeli occupation. Wouldn't you be?

Many experts think that the United States is essential to Arab-Israeli peace. I actually don't. Absent American influence in the region, I think that some sort of deal would have been made years ago. And a better deal was to have been made with Arab tyrannies than with democracies.

This is about a whole lot more than "zoning," and pretending that it isn't should automatically disqualify you as a serious person.

I want to see Israel survive. But given the demographic time-bomb Israel faces, it doesn't seem as though Sarah Palin does.

Sarah Palin truly is a dumb twat. And she proves it every day.

Glenn Beck is a Sad Little Bitch

I've been watching Glenn Beck on Fox News every day for about five months now and I'm here to say that he might be the greatest thing on television. There's something about the combination of crazy and stupid that's just irresistible to me.

Actually, Beck isn't wrong when he says that America's debt is going to destroy everything in sight. He might be the only person around who says it and actually seems to believe it. He's absolutely right in being completely hysterical about that specific topic.

The only problem is that his solutions are so moronic that they should be packaged and mass-marketed, which they sort of have been. Last week, Beck released his latest book that everyone will buy and no rational adult will read, Broke: The Plan to Restore Our Trust, Truth and Treasure, a 416 page psychopathic treatise about how America's economic apocalypse can only be averted by more tax cuts and even more Jesus. This of course presumes that, all evidence to the contrary, America hasn't had enough tax cuts and Jesus over the last 50 years.

Contrary to what Glenn's delirium tremens tell him, spending is only half the problem and tax cuts are possibly the most dangerous form of spending because they don't seem like spending at all. As much as people like Beck like to protest otherwise, America does have a revenue problem, otherwise there wouldn't be a deficit or a debt at all. If you ever want to see Tea Partiers get truly bewildered, ask them to be specific about what spending they want to see cut (meaning not earmarks, which account for less than nothing.) If they actually do come up with something, mention that none of their candidates have mentioned it and watch their heads explode.

Broke is the book that should be in every economically illiterate paranoid's library. The only problem is that there don't appear to be as many economically illiterate paranoids out there as there used to be, which disturbs Glenn Beck immensely.

You see, Broke entered the Amazon.com sales charts at number three last week, which Glenn sees as being below someone of his delusional stature. He was roundly beaten by some self-published book that no one has ever heard of and Keith Richards' majestic memoir, Life


This caused nothing short of an epic meltdown on Beck's show last Wednesday.

And I want to tell you that, um…our books are ALWAYS #1. And I find it REALLY fascinating, FASCINATING, that if you go to Amazon.com, Broke is number THREE. And the two books that are ahead of it — one is Keith Richards’ Life, which is getting a TON of — you know, that’s everywhere.

But this is a book about, you know, how he snorted his father’s ashes, after death … So that… ‘culture of death.’ And it’s an escape into the past, of, you know, the Woodstock stuff.

And then, the #1 book — TODAY, at least — is Machine of Death. And it’s a — collected stories about, you know, people who know how they’re gonna die. Haowww!
So you have DEATH — I know it’s called Life, but what a life it is, really! It’s a culture of death! OR, ‘How do we restore ourselves?’

These are the — this is the left, I think, speaking. This is the left. You want to talk about where we’re headed? We’re headed towards a culture of death. A culture that, um, celebrates the things that have destroyed us. Not that the Rolling Stones have destroyed us — I mean, you can’t always get what you want. You know what I’m saying? Brown sugar. I have no idea what that means.

Am I the only one that can't figure out what Glenn's trying to say? Shit, I understand that I'm old-fashioned, but wasn't there a time when one of the prerequisites to having a talk show was the ability to talk?

Unlike Beck, who seems to be making the same silly point over and over again, Keith Richards is interesting for something other than public nervous breakdowns. 19th Nervous Breakdown? Christ, Glenn has that many between 10 am and 6 pm every weekday.

Can you name three things that Beck has contributed to the culture? I can't, certainly not in a way that compares to the Rolling Stones. The Stones have put out single albums that are more important than everything Glenn Beck has done in his fucking career.

Remember, Beck, like Limbaugh, Hannity, Michael Savage, Mark Levin and Keith Olbermann are glorified disc jockeys that simpletons look to for political guidence. While they regularly perpetuate stupidity, they create nothing. They agitate morons for a living. Nothing more, nothing less.

Because I have the greatest girlfriend of ever, I got a copy of Life last week and all books should be more like it. It's beautifully written, insightful and brilliantly funny, which Glenn Beck never is - at least not intentionally.

It takes a lot of balls to mention your alcoholism and drug addiction in public multiple times a day and have anything negative to say about someone like Keith Richards. When Keef was
fucked up, he produced things like Sticky Fingers and Exile on Main St, which are still revered forty years later. When Glenn was lubricated, he could barely pull off one of those stupid Morning Zoo shows in a minor market. That's sort of important.

If I were Keith Richards this morning, I'd have Glenn Beck kicked right out of Connecticut. Why should the Human Riff have to share a state with that asshole, anyway?

By the way, "Brown Sugar" is about an Old South slave owner raping his slaves. You're welcome.

Jean Schmidt is Good With Kids

I hate social conservatives because they're really only liberals with worse attitudes. It's actually difficult to consider them conservatives at all, given the size of the government that would be required to enact their agenda. You'd be surprised how many bureaucrats it takes to properly regulate your genitals.

However, I do agree with Team Jesus on one point: That sex education for pre-teens is wrong for a number of reasons. The first priority of an educational establishment is that the little bastards enrolled therein be able to read, write and perform basic arithmetic. Test anyone on the street who looks to be under thirty. See what a good job the schools have done? Now imagine that they took a class devoted to fucking.

Second, there's no good reason for the educational system to be involved with sex when there's all that more great pornography free available than at any time in human history. Most school teachers are dowdy looking and might creep the children out. Everyone would be much better off learning about sex from, say, Carmel Moore.

Chances are that the U.S Representative of the Second District of Ohio, Jean Schmidt isn't a particularly big fan of sex education, either. But don't let that fool you. She's bringing SexyBack for the kids in her own special way.

A Republican Congresswoman shocked teachers and students alike this month when she decided to talk about abortion to a classroom of 6-year-olds.

Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH) ventured into the age-inappropriate territory during a speech at a Cincinnati Catholic school, where she addressed a room of students ranging from first to eighth graders.

"Unexpectedly, towards the end of her address, Congresswoman Schmidt brought up the topic of abortion," Prinicipal Dan Teller wrote in a letter to parents, obtained by Cincinnati's WLWT.com. "Your children may come home with questions, especially if this is a topic that has not been broached in your home."

Though the abortion-related portion of the speech was reported to last under two minutes, it may be the only part anyone will remember.

“She defined abortion as the taking of a child's life in the mother's womb,” Teller wrote in the letter. "She indicated that abortion involves the killing of a child before it is born."

Noting that Schmidt "was not invited to further any political agenda,” he apologized to parents "for any confusion or fear that this may elicit on the part of your child, and for the awkward position this may put you in of introducing a difficult issue at a time that may be premature for you."

Abortion was not originally included in her speech, but Schmidt reportedly decided to address the issue in the question-and-answer period after her talk.

While speaking about the connection between moral issues and legislation, she used abortion as an example to illustrate her point.

This woman is my hero! In fact, I'd probably marry her if she wasn't old, ugly and bouncing off the fucking walls crazy.

Just imagine the level of difficulty in describing how a mother murders her baby in the womb to people too young to know how the baby got there in the first place. That's practically an Olympic feat and Congresswoman Schmidt should be congratulated for pulling it off so flawlessly. Psychically scarring young children just weeks before their parents are going to vote also requires a level of political skill that really shouldn't be overlooked.

I think I know who the Secretary of Education in the next Republican administration is going to be ....

You Know What Would Be Funny? Electing Christine O'Donnell

The more I think about about it, the more I'd like to see Christine O'Donnell take Joe Biden's old Senate seat. I just think that it would be nice if that seat was forever known as the home of the Senator from Gaffe. Delaware's interim Senator, Ted Kauffman, turned out to be a reasonable, if chronically wrong, fellow, which is why no one knows who he is.

Although her chances of becoming Delaware's junior senator are slightly worse than mine are at this point, I want her to win because her floor speeches would be just about the funniest things ever. How great would it be if the Senate was debating, say, a military appropriations bill and she popped out with an amendment declaring that "you can't masturbate without lust." And you know that she'd do it, too.

Besides, there are exactly no incumbent United States senators that I want to have filthy, degrading sex with and there really should be.

Of course, Ms. O'Donnell is emblematic of the entire Tea Party movement. They've repeatedly taken out electable incumbents and are running people who have no idea how a bill becomes a law, which somehow supposed to make them "you." It's among the greatest things I've ever seen in a non-sexual performance and I never thought I'd see the United States do it. On the other hand, if America is determined to self-destruct, they may as well do it with representatives who amuse me.

I've been following politics for a very long time and I've never seen a candidate begin a general election campaign by denying that she's a witch. Unless you're from Uganda, chances are that you haven't, either. But that was way back on Tuesday and Christine wants you to know that while she's moved on from sorcery, she's still you, albeit in highly improbable and entertaining ways.



Truth be told, O'Donnell didn't go to Yale. However, that's a tactically bad thing for her to bring up in an ad, given the misleading statements about her education that she's already made. I'm actually surprised that she didn't claim to have a Yale degree in this ad. On the other hand, Bill Clinton went to Yale and Oxford and O'Donnell might want to avoid that association.

If nothing else, Christine does "know how hard it is to make and keep a dollar." Setting up your campaign headquarters in your home so you can pay your household expenses with tax deductible contributions is so close to being illegal that it can't be easy. Just look at the fun John Edwards has been having answering questions about where his campaign money went lately.

It's pretty clear that O'Donnell doesn't like addressing all of this stuff. Neither would you, and it's important to remember that she is you, albeit a you that's highly acquainted with the appearance of impropriety. If you're Tommy Flanagan, Christine O'Donnell is even more you.

Sadly, she has to address them because the Goddamned Liberal Media just won't stop assassinating her character.

Delaware Republican Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is asking voters to give her a second look. At a candidate forum sponsored by a group of local Republicans, O'Donnell blamed her campaign's recent troubles on unfair coverage in the "liberal media."

"I've put my name on the line. And I've taken a lot of hits ... a lot of character assassination," O'Donnell said.

In the video, as opposed to the text article at CNN's site, O'Donnell refers to have been subject to "slander." That implies that the Goddamned Liberal Media is just making this shit up, which is highly unlikely, but has been an effective Republican canard since the Nixon presidency.

Most of the batshit fucking crazy remarks that Ms. O'Donnell made that make me love her were on videotape and were completely voluntary. I seriously doubt that Bill Maher and MTV waterboarded her until she said utterly kooky things about witchcraft and rubbing one out, although I can't completely rule it out.

But that's just the funny stuff from over a decade ago. Everything else, which is far more recent, is deeply troubling and she remains almost pathological in lying about it.

In a radio interview last June, she lied about not having a federal tax lien on her house despite the fact that anyone with a modest ability at using search engines could find it. When the bank threatened to foreclose on her house, serving her personally with papers, she chalked it up to a “technical error by the bank” despite the fact that once again, anyone who bothered to do a little searching could find the mortgage company’s filing.

It turns out that O’Donnell is a deadbeat. She stopped paying her mortgage in October of 2007 while the bank filed the papers in March of 2008 to seize the house. She refused to contest the case and a summary judgment of foreclosure was entered against the property in May. According to a Lexis-Nexis search, the foreclosure was “stayed” – the house had been foreclosed but the sheriff sale had not commenced – when she sold the house to her boyfriend and legal counsel who then paid the outstanding balance as well as more than $2,000 in interest and legal fees.

When questioned about all of this, she has continuously and shamelessly lied. She has attributed the tax lien to “thug politics” and actually denied the property had a lien in the first place. She denied she sold her home while it was in foreclosure despite clear evidence to the contrary.

For months, O’Donnell denied her house had ever been in foreclosure. She simply stopped making payments in October 2007 and never made any move to contest the proceedings and would not “appear, plead or otherwise defend” herself against the mortgage company filing.

The lies don’t stop there. Incredibly, she owes her employees from the 2008 campaign thousands of dollars in unpaid salary and expenses.

Before her home was foreclosed, there was an IRS lien on it from unpaid taxes in 2005, which she has also lied about. Then we get to her recent financial disclosure, which showed her earning just $5,800.00 over fifteen months, or $13 a day, despite owing 20 grand from her 2008 pummelling at the hands of Joe Biden.

And that's why I'm in love with Christine O'Donnell. Despite being a hot girl, she has balls the size of Alpha Centauri to be running as a fiscal conservative with a personal history like hers. If a Democrat was living off of campaign money, they'd be excoriated by the GOP if not actually sent to prison. To their eternal regret, the Democrats don't have the Goddamned Liberal Media to blame for their adventures in personal irresponsibility.

I'll be fair for a minute here. the Delaware Republican Party and the Republican Senatorial Campaign Committee did everything in their power to stop O'Donnell and nominate Mike Castle, who had already won no fewer than nine statewide campaigns in a row. But they got rolled by Sarah Palin and the Tea Party Express, which clearly demonstrates just how pathetic the Republicans are these days.

I've changed my mind in the last few weeks. A wave of anger at the economy is going to elect a whole lot of these mutants and then they're going to have to govern while conducting a purge of whatever rational elements still exist in the GOP, and that's going to be fun to watch.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if they ruin serious conservatives like Mitch Daniels and Paul Ryan in the process. Newt Gingrich is physically aching to whore himself out to the Tea Party and has begun advocating a government shutdown, despite his own negative experiences with same, and that's the surest way to reelect Obama. No clearer path to reelection exists for this White House than having a pack of ignorant fanatics stopping the Social Security checks from going out. Not one. Just how a shutdown would work in the middle of a ground war might be fun to learn, too.

I'm not a fan of the president's and I would never vote for him. But if he's the price that has to be paid for wiping out the Tea Party and the GOP and replacing it with something serious, it might just be worth it. The Republican Party replaced the Whigs pretty quickly and I think that can happen again.

Nobody - not Obama, not the GOP and certainly not the Tea Party - is serious about doing what it's going to take to save the U.S from crippling, intractable debt. The selfish and stupid voters are largely to blame for that, but no one's going out of their way to educate them on what needs to be done, either. Some drastic measures are going to be necessary in the very near future (think David Cameron in the UK) and the political groundwork has to be laid for that.

If America's going to go the way of the Soviet Union, it may as well have cute girls who can't masturbate or balance a checkbook at the helm as it happens. If nothing else, it will make for great TV.


Yellow Peril Update: I keep forgetting to mention O'Donnell's remarkably bizarre claim to have had "classified information" about a Chinese plot to overthrow the United States during her unsuccessful 2006 primary campaign against ... a Chinese guy.

God, I love that crazy bitch with all of my heart!