It Gets Better, I Suppose

I guess that it's time that I came out of the closet. I'm not gay. But before you pass judgement on me, you should know that I really, really like watching girls kissing one another. There are lots of folks that don't, but I doubt that they even know what their genitals are for. As my adult readers already know, those people are commonly referred to as assholes.

If you're a gay teenager, I have no idea what you're doing reading my blog. Not because you're gay, but because I write about all manner of boring adult shit here. Christ, I don't even read my blog all that often, but that's mostly because I have the misfortune of having written it in the first place.

However, if you have been reading me for any length of time, you'll know that I've been pretty friendly to you on the issues. I've spoken out strongly in favor of gay marriage and opposed the Defense of Marriage Act and Don't Ask Don't Tell.

I didn't take those positions because I'm expecting my own float at next year's Pride parade (although I wouldn't necessarily turn it down), I took them because I couldn't think of a way not to without feeling like an inbred yahoo. Trust me, the jokes against those things are far easier to write than the ones in favor of them, although the idea of writing an "Adam and Steve" punchline might have caused me to kill myself. Those jokes are never funny and haven't been since 1955.

Mostly, I know that we're in desperate and dangerous times and we need all of the help that we can get. If you're talented and smart, we need you around. God knows, the world is lacking in both right now. Who you want to fuck really isn't all that important in the grand scheme of things.

Let's say that you're good with numbers or languages. Well, you might not have noticed it yet, but the economy is fucked and we're at war with people with strange accents. You don't want either of those things to hurt your loved ones, do you?

The President of the United States had a few things to say about your predicament this morning.



I'd be careful listening to him, as I'm sure a lot of Democrats will tell you in a couple of weeks. Besides, if adults have given up on anything that President Obama has to say, I don't expect gay teenagers to be paying rapt attention to him.

But he's sort of right. Kids, as I'm sure you know, are snot-nosed, arrogant little assholes, They'll pick on anything or anyone that they perceive as being weaker than they are. They're sort of like Republicans that way. Or, come to think of it, the Obama administration.

There are now twelve and thirteen year old kids out there right now who are killing themselves over what other little assholes think of them. You don't want to be one of them. You want to be stronger than they are. You want to be tougher. You're going to grow up and show those little pricks what time it is.

Besides, if you're a kid, why go through the agonizing part of being gay and give up the opportunity of experiencing the fun part? From what I've heard, the opportunities are endless! I'm here to tell you that sex is the most fun that you'll ever have. Why would you quit before you get the chance to at least enjoy it properly? If half the shit I've heard about bathhouses is true, I resent being straight!

Look, I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that life gets better. It's a huge pain in the ass now, and it's only going to get worse. These are the most challenging times we've faced in a century. Being a fatalist these days only proves that you're smart.

But topping yourself off because some shithead of a kid calls you a fairy isn't a reason to give up. If anything, it proves that you're an even bigger asshole than he is. And you don't want to be a bigger asshole than that guy, do you?

See? The goth chick from NCIS agrees with me and I'd love to do horribly erotic things to her, even though she's far, far older than I thought that she was.



For the rest of us, we should really think about throwing a few bucks to the Trevor Project. No matter what you think of the gay lifestyle, I don't think that anyone wants to hear about children hanging themselves or blowing their heads off. These are, after all , children. Give them someone to talk to.

For Tyler Clementi, Billy Lucas, Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, Eric Mohah, Sladjana Vidovic, Jennifer Eyring and Meredith Rezak - all of whom were under 18 years old, and some as young as 12, and took their own lives - this is for you.