When Moshiach Comes, Will He Give Me an iPad Mini?

As you all know, I'm not a religious man. Since I was six, my position has been that if I absolutely must subscribe to intellectually unsupportable superstitious nonsense, it should at least be intellectually unsupportable superstitious nonsense that gets me laid. If some borderline cult gets my faith, energy, time and money then I should at least get stinky fingers out of it. That only seems fair.

Having said that, I acknowledge that I could be wrong. It's rare that I am, but I'd be less than wholly honest if I said it never happened. And, as a general rule, I rather enjoy folks with viewpoints different that mine. It keeps life interesting, and people who believe everything I do bore me terribly.

That's why I'm lucky to have a friend like the good and great Dr. Reverend, my closest friend and spiritual advisor of some two decades. I'd encourage you all to get to know him, but he likes people even less than I do.

From time to time, my phone will ring and I'll instinctively know that Herr Doktor is on the other end of the line, seeking to improve the condition of my immortal soul.

"You scumbag," he'll holler into the receiver. "You're too preoccupied with cocaine, Chivas Regal and orgies! Those things are all fine, if messy when taken in combination, but you need to read your fucking bible! Exactly what are you going to do when Moshiach comes? You think He's going to be impressed with you thick wang and ability to snort a three-mile line of blow? Well, he might, but that's not the point. You need to get right with the Lord, son!"

Not only are the Doctor's tirades impressive performance art, they have a ring of Truth to them.

As I said earlier, I could very well be wrong about the existence of a Higher Power. I don't think I am, but stranger things have happened. So I've decided to cover my bases. In financial circles, they call it hedging.

While I was raised Catholic, I just can't get behind Jesus. He's simply not trending the way he should. When the only person who relates to you is Chris Brown, you've got what can only be considered a serious branding problem. Besides, look what happens every time He makes a personal appearance.



That's right. If a group of crazed Italians don't get you, then some homeless Dudebro with a hatchet will. And I just can't rely on that when the End Times come. You're free to, but I have a feeling it won't end the way you want it to.

Besides, Christians haven't faced any serious adversity since roughly the second century. How do you know that He'll have your back when shit gets real?

The Jews are different. They've been fucked over by everyone wherever they've gone since the dawn of recorded history. They can't even be in a room with each other without a violent disagreement breaking out. Yet they've persevered, which tells me that they have a Friend in High Place.

So I've concluded that if there's anything at all to this superstitious nonsense about an afterlife, Dr. Reverend is likely right and Moshiach is the way to go. And that's why I'm helping him spread his righteous message.

The Good Doctor is spreading that message in the most modern of evangelical ways; on a t-shirt. If you want Moshiach to immediately recognize you as a believer upon His vengeful arrival, you don't just want this shirt, you need it. It just might be the best fifteen bucks you've ever spent. After all, this is your soul we're talking about, people!

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that there's something in it for me. I've been advised that if the Doctor sells 200 of these shirts, he'll use the proceeds to buy me an iPad mini. And I desperately need one of those. There are about 1,500 of you here every day, and I suspect that a healthy majority of you have souls in dire need of saving.

And you know what, iPad Minis just don't buy themselves. So help a couple of brothers out.

The Tea Party is Keeping it Classy!

One of the great things about the Tea Party is that it claims to be leaderless. There are also many factions of it that are constantly warring with one another over who actually represents the movement. In that they aren't unlike the Communist Party split in the days immediately after the Russian Revolution.

So why is that a great thing? Well, if you're the Tea Party, it allows you to avoid responsibility for anything! For a movement that never tires of advocating personal responsibility, when was they last time you saw them accept direct responsibility for anything that their members have said or done?

The correct answer is "never." Not once. It's always the fault of the mainstream media or some nefarious socialist plot (when the mainstream media itself isn't part of some nefarious socialist plot,) but it's never, ever their fuck up. That's the first reason that you shouldn't trust these people. The second reason is that they're idiots.

Timothy Birdnow is with Tea Party Nation. He has posting rights on their website, so I assume that he speaks for them in some way. And he sure is efficient. In this post he manages to cram so much crazy and stupid into such a small space, just 2,875 words, that you can't help but be impressed!  To give Mr. Birdnow his proper due, he also manages to stuff a healthy dose of small government rhetoric while calling for big government solutions. You really have to read it to believe it.

The takeaway from the Birdnow commentary that Mediaite is running with involves George Zimmerman. You remember George, right? Good. I'd rather not devolve into re-explaining his sad story, nor do I want to re-litigate it.

Birdnow says this about Friday's mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School; "Had George Zimmerman been at the front door instead of some mechanical card reader those children would still be alive."

Let me repeat that in case you missed it. "Had George Zimmerman been at the front door instead of some mechanical card reader those children would still be alive."

That's a highly debatable point, actually. Were those children carrying skittles and iced tea? If they were, that could have been a problem.

The fact that Mr. Zimmerman has been charged with second degree murder at least suggests that he isn't exactly judicious with a firearm and is perhaps best kept away from children. Mr. Birdnow also never explains how Zimmerman would have dealt with Adam Lanza's body armor. A head shot, you say? He shot Treyvon Martin in the chest.

It's really too bad that Mediaite focused on the Zimmerman angle because there's just so much other crazy in Birdnow's piece that it should be dealt with at length. He has a list of suggestions, few of which have anything at all to do with gun violence but are almost all paranoid, comic or both.

1. Homeschool. Take away the power of the radicals in the classrooms. Makes your kids safer, too.

Well, it makes your kids safe from strangers, I'll grant you that. But since most murdered kids are taken out by a close relative, why shouldn't they all be?

 2. Back Right to Work legislation for the public sector. Teacher’s unions have helped cement much of this in place. As long as we have group think in the classrooms we will never see the end of this.

Huh? Do non-union teachers have some ninja powers that I'm unaware of. It would be kind of cool if they did. Also, the unionized teachers were shot trying to protect the kids.

3. Engage in more frank discussion of race and culture. For far too long we have tiptoed around these issues, fearful of being branded a racist. If black thugs kidnap and rape a woman, ask if there is something in the black culture that fostered that. If an evil white kid murders a bunch of children at the school, ask the same question of the white community. What was it that spawned this behavior? What was this kid taught? We have to stop hiding from our respective national sins.

I'm not sure what "black thugs" kidnapping and raping a (presumably) white woman have to do with this, but okay. And what exactly does severe mental illness have to do with "national sins?"

It should also be pointed out that the overwhelming majority of the perpetrators of mass public shootings are white men. And the violence is rarely ever racially motivated.

5.Call evil out. We have to stop being sorry and start being angry. This is not a time for national grief so much as a time for national anger. We should stop tolerating this sort of thing. Indeed, stop tolerating any bad behavior. If you see kids jumping ahead in line, say, call them out. If you see punks bothering their neighbors call them out. Say something to the idiot blaring his car stereo. Say something to the foul-mouthed teens. Tell the brats to pull up their pants; nobody wants to see their filthy underwear and pimply behind. We have to start saying something, stop ignoring it. The first way any society maintains order is through social pressure from individuals. We have insanely given that up.

You know, in a nation where everybody is armed, I'm not sure that's very wise. This is, I think, the "broken windows" theory with one important difference. Every loudmouthed hillbilly like Timothy Birdnow gets to be a cop.

6.Work to devolve power back to the parents, the local officials, and the communities. A society that is top-down will inevitably lead to alienation of the sort we have seen here. This young man was twenty years old, and his actions were neither spurious nor random. As an FBI profiler said on television last night, he undoubtedly felt powerless and sought to remedy that. Why does a twenty year old feel powerless? He could leave his mother’s home at any time at his age. He feels powerless because he has lived in an over-bureaucratized society, one run ultimately from a far-away central location. He sees his life as at the mercy of others, and sees himself as having no real input or control. He has been coddled all his life, given free rein to indulge his senses but not to face the responsibilities that freedom necessitates. He was an eternal juvenile, a child who was not allowed to grow up. He lived in a world of the Progressives making, not in reality.

The family is the fundamental building block of civilization, and from it all power originates. The Left has systematically destroyed the family for the purpose of empowering the State, and this has destroyed so many lives. Individuals - especially immature individuals - need to be taught how to live, how to think, how to believe. Man’s animal passions must be placed in check and his rational faculties engaged. His moral compass must be set. Liberalism sought to destroy all the controls by destroying the family and community, centralizing power in meta institutions and granting the individual absolute moral autonomy without giving him the wisdom he needs to exercise it. . It is a recipe for disaster, as we have seen.

Um, wow.

Birdnow thinks the solution is a devolution of power from the federal government. He then cites the opinion of an FBI profiler and plasters his own opinion over that of the profiler. I've read a lot about profilers. Never once have I heard them cite "Progressives" as a cause of anything.

Moreover, who do you suppose that Birdnow wants to empower the family to triumph over the dastardly Left? My guess is Congress. I know, I can't follow his fucking logic, either.

7. Restrict the sex in movies, television, on the internet. There is a reason why young people commit these sorts of crimes, and sex plays no small part. Their passions are eternally inflamed, and they wander the Earth with no outlet for their overstimulated glands. People have understood the close relationship between sex and violence through history; sex was an inducement to military service in ancient times (and modern, too) and it has traditionally been understood that a sexually robust individual will fight harder and more aggressively. We are engaging half this equation, overstimulating our youth while denying them a planned outlet. Even if they were to live promiscuously (a very bad thing for society) they still cannot find adequate outlets for their passions, which have grown to titanic volume. Fighting is the traditional outlet. Societies have always carefully planned ways to release this tension constructively - through physical labor, through hunting, through military service, sometimes even through intellectual pursuits. Now we have nothing, no place for this pent-up frustration to go. The only answer is to follow the other societal coping mechanism, which is to tone down the sexual stimulation, encourage chastity and modesty. Our society has conveniently thrown that away as well. We have to restore it.

Parents, monitor what your children watch, what they look at on the internet. Make sure they dress modestly.

You have got to be fucking kidding me. These guys are going ape with an AR-15 because they're horny?  Are you serious?

Again, who is to be restricting "the sex in movies, television, on the internet?" This guy likes the government a whole lot more than he's letting on. And I love how "intellectual pursuits" can "relieve tension," but only "sometimes."

Birdnow obviously holds the Second Amendment very close to his heart, so much so that he sometimes forget that there's one right before it. Or would he prefer that it be stopped at the distribution point, which is government interference in business and exactly what the Tea Party is supposed to be fighting against.

You know what else relieves sexual tension, Tim? Furious masturbation and hardcore, animalistic fucking. Want proof? I'm the least excitable person I know.

Finally, making sure children dress modestly has certainly gone a long way in preventing Afghanistan into a violent and chaotic shithole. Oh, wait ....

8. Control drugs. Do not think that puffing a joint is harmless. Several American states decriminalized Marijuana, and it is actually legal in Washington and Colorado. Is it a coincidence that this shooting just occurred? Probably, but not in the long haul. Drugs and crime and violence go together. Trayvon Martin, the youth shot and killed by a neighborhood watch captain after he was assaulted , was likely high http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/2888655/postswhen he was shot - and George Zimmerman has claimed Martin assaulted him, something backed by medical testimony. Martin had trace amounts of marijuana in his system, http://articles.nydailynews.com/2012-05-17/news/31753474_1_medical-... should be pointed out. Would Martin have done that had he been sober? And medical marijuana is a joke; there are far better substances that can be used. It is nothing but a way to backdoor legalization.

Again with the government! Remember, it's the state and local governments that are decriminalizing marijuana, precisely the people the people that these Tea Party types are supposed to trust more than the diabolical tyrants in Washington that they need their semi-automatic weapons to defend themselves against.

I know that you teenagers are hip enough that I don't need to point this out to you, but Mr. Birdnow doesn't understand that potheads are too busy giggling to attack anyone.

10.Go back to church. We need God more than ever, need prayer. It’s time the Ten Commandments were taught again. It’s time the Bible was taught. It’s time people learned the examples of the heroes of our Judeo-Christian heritage - heroes like Moses, who gave up his life as an Egyptian noble to become a shepherd and eventually lead his birth mother’s kin out of slavery, or David who spent years hiding from King Saul, and who, at one point, had Saul completely under his power (in the cave of Adullum) but would not smite the Lord’s anointed, or of John the Baptizer, a man who spoke the truth until his head was cut off, or of any of the Apostles who died for their faith. Most of all they should learn of Jesus, who refused to turn from the Truth and allowed himself to be sacrificed in the most painful manner possible for other people’s sins.

This evil can be fought, but not by any methods likely to be proposed by Progressives or imposed by our government. At best it will entail a top-down approach that will impose greater restrictions on the individual, on the family, and on the community. The solutions will be more of what caused this in the first place.

"Well, we obviously need the tyrannical and probably Marxist federal government to stop the porn and pot, but once that's taken over, the churches can take care of the rest."

You know what scares me even more than monsters like Adam Lanza walking among us? The fact that otherwise intelligent people support and vote for ideological nonsense like this.

Mike Huckabee Has Lost His Mind

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Who Wants to Marry a Porn Star?

I I was born like this. I had no choice. I'm a lifelong romantic. That was true even when I was in the crib. I just can't help it, and you shouldn't hate me for it.

Even as a toddler, the sight of a beautiful woman had a profound and undeniable affect on me. Whenever, say, my second grade teacher passed by desk, I'd take a peek at her bangin' little ass, ensconced as it was in her tight 70s slacks, and grip my crotch until my knuckles turned white, lest my Cry of Love escape my loins in the middle of a penmanship lesson. And that remains the case some 35 years later.

Some folks, feminists and she-males mostly, try to insist to me that there is some kind of a difference between love and lust. This is not unlike fables about alligators living in the sewer and awaiting the opportunity to lunge from the toilet and bite your junk off. It's an old wives tales, and not something that Serious People entertain.

Every great romantic knows that it's possible to like a member of the opposite sex a great deal, but it's self-evident that you cannot love them if the very sight of them doesn't compel you to punish your genitals into a swollen, distended and irreversibly distended mess of chafed skin and leaking bodily fluids. That's just how biology works, and who am I to question it? To quote the late Billy Preston, "That's the way God planned it, that's the way God wants it to be!"

From time to time, I'll research developments in the world of Modern Love and - I'm not going to lie to you - I'm often shocked at what I find (link NSFW.)

The latest Vivid Entertainment-XCritic.com "Sex Tracker" poll indicates that 61.4 percent of men would consider marrying a porn star and 85.8 percent said they would be happy to date one. The online survey of sexual preferences also revealed that 86.7 percent of respondents consider adult entertainment to be "a positive part of our culture."

Why was I shocked by this? I had no idea that so many men were such indecisive beta-male assholes, that's why! Saying that you would only "consider" marrying a porn star couldn't be a stronger indication that civilization is falling into a bottomless pit of wanton stupidity and faggotry. It shows how cosmically wrong we are becoming as the moorings of society disintegrate beneath our feet.

Ignore everything that social conservatives and religious types tell you. They believe all kinds of crazy shit that is utterly incompatible with living a Good Life. Those people wouldn't know Joy if it put on steel-toed boots and kicked them in the balls until they bled from their fucking eyes.

Those people embrace superstitious and silly notions about a better life after this one that tend to leave men angry, sexually stunted and inclined to blow one another in awkward public places.

Absent any evidence to the contrary, you should grab life by the goodies and rub them until it falls in an exhausted heap at your feet and lovingly calls you "Daddy." Because it's more likely than not that it all ends here. The only heaven that any of us are likely to know is between one another's thighs.

I know that my readership consists of thoroughly modern ladies and gentlemen. So if you ever find yourself asked whether you'd consider marrying a porn star, you know that the correct answer is "Consider it? I'd engage in a genocide to do it! Who has to go? Where's my machete and mustard gas?"

I marvel at ordinary women to the point that I fall in love with them at least 37 times a day. Some might think that shallow, but you and I know that they have no concept of what time it is, don't we? I don't want anything that follows to minimize the profound aching that they create in both my chest and my crotch.

But porn stars are just naturally superior people. I'm not convinced that they weren't created by an ancient scientist named Yakub from the Tribe of Shabazz to rule the world and subjugate lesser beings until Ezekiel's Wheel takes us all into space. I don't know if that's true, but I like to believe that it is.

As a general rule, porn stars are better looking than their civilian counterparts, definitely more flexible (as evidenced by the popularity of the piledriver in their fine films) and generally more given to adventure. They're an unstoppable force of nature, not even fearing the dreaded rectal prolapse in their quest to rule our hearts and minds.

Moreover, they face down adversity with a degree of courage not even found in the professional military. If you don't believe me, just ask the great Briana Banks.




I'm pretty sure that if you were subjected to an entire business day with Max Hardcore, you'd do a lot more than disappear for two months and change your name. That dude is wrong on so many levels that science is not yet capable of properly counting them. If you've never seen a Max Hardcore movie, don't. I did it so you don't have to. And it creeped me out, so I have no doubt that it'll leave you weeping in the fetal position.

But Briana persevered. Not just because she's a professional, my good friends. And not just because she's a hero. She struggled through it because she's the greatest hero of our age.

Miss Banks was pretty much perfect when she began her epic quest for Art and Romance, but she always knew that she could be better, so she had her (already more than nice) breasts enlarged twice. She's blessed with a supermodel's face and the self-declared "longest legs in the business." And I've seen her do things with her asshole that defy description. I'd just be cheating you if I tried describing them anyway. But one of them involves a bowling pin.

Even the sands of time won't stop her! At the professionally elderly age of 34, she's moved on to the MILF side of the business, where she continues to make my wonderous wang spit with a combination of adoration, wonderment and frustrated fury.

And if you think that her epic quest for adventure ends at the conclusion of her business day, you couldn't be more wrong.

AVN Hall of Famer and star of the films The Cougar Club 3, TSA: Your Ass Is in Our Hands, and Sodomania Slop Shots 9 & 10, among many others, Briana Banks, was recently arrested and charged with DUI at an L.A. McDonald's drive-thru. A witness contacted police after Banks hit another car at about 9 AM on Wednesday, alerting them that she looked to be under the influence of something. The police pulled her over at the McDonald's drive-thru and gave her a field sobriety test, which she failed leading to her arrest. Banks was then booked and shortly after released.

People who don't appreciate the finer things in life might try to tell you that 9 AM on a Wednesday morning is hardly the time to be under the influence, and that a McDonald's drive-thru isn't the place for it. Not only should you ignore them, you should crush their airway with a finishing hammer.

I've given this a lot of thought over the last three days, and I just can't think of a better time or place to be filled to the brim with pills, powders and amber liquids. And as you all know, I'm a pretty intelligent fellow. If there were a more appropriate way to approach a Wednesday morning at a McDonald's drive-thru, it surely would've occurred to me over the last 72 hours. However, I' ve done the math and science and there just isn't.

I've also considered what advice I would have offered to Briana, if given the opportunity. And the answer is none. By the looks of things, she handling things exactly the way that I would.

And to top it all off she even takes an adorable mugshot! Those aren't meant to be especially flattering photographs, but Briana couldn't be cuter in hers, even without proper lighting, full make-up, a gaffer and a Best Boy. If you need any more evidence that Briana Banks is just genetically better than you are, look no further than that booking photo. That's just good science, people!

Somewhere out in the Great Beyond, Yakub is proud of his good and great work. I can't prove it, but that doesn't stop me from knowing it all the same. I guess that makes me religious - although, in my own special way - after all.

Would I marry Briana Banks? I'll answer that question with a question.

Who has to go? And where is my machete and mustard gas?

Scientifically Proven: Porn Stars are Better Than You Are!

I believe in the power of science to resolve almost all of life's little controversies. It really is rather remarkable and tends to confirm things that I already believe, anyway. Like anyone else, I'm given to putting more weight to things that confirm my existing biases. And if you assert that you don't do that, you're probably proving that you do.

The only difference between me and most of humanity is that I generally don't believe crazy or unprovable things, hence my aversion to religion. If you ever wondered what made me so friggin' sexy, now you know. Of course, I also have enormous genitals and the tongue of an anteater, but I don't like talking about that very much. I'm pretty shy, when you get right down to it.

For the better part of my life, I've been arguing on behalf of porn stars. One instance of this stands out more than others.

I used to work with a really cute girl who had a cousin visiting from Italy. Not only was the cousin super-hot and had among the most bangin' bodies I've ever seen, she didn't speak a word of English! If you have a penis, or love someone that does, you know that's pretty hard to beat.

So I did what I usually do when confronted with such beauty; I talked about my love of porn for upwards of an hour. It wasn't as difficult as you would think, since my co-worker was translating.

The cousin disagreed with me when I said that not only were porn stars not damaged as humans, they were actually better than everybody else, and that as we evolve as a species, we'll probably be more like them, rather than less.

"They're sluts! Whores!" came the translation.

Of course, this wouldn't do. It wouldn't do at all.

"No," I replied as forcefully as I could without getting violent. "They are beautiful women! No, fuck that. They're angels - secular saints, even -  doing the work of the Lord! They're out there on a bed, doing the hard work of taking all that cock so you don't have to! Just as Jesus died for your sins, they fuck for mine and I won't tolerate this kind of superstitious blasphemy!"

For whatever reason, this wasn't translated and the rest of the evening was sort of awkward. But I still knew that I had made my point in way that everyone understood.

That was a decade ago, but as it usually does, science has again proven me right!

A new study has put to bed the perception that female porn stars have low self-esteem and are less psychologically healthy compared with other women.

The study, which was published in the Journal of Sex Research, said it found no evidence to support the "damaged goods hypothesis" that actresses involved in the porn industry come from desperate backgrounds. Rather, the researchers found the women have higher self-esteem, a better quality of life and body image, and are more positive, with greater levels of spirituality.

The study was conducted by researchers at Pennsylvania's Shippensburg University, Texas Woman’s University and the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation 

See? I fucking told you so!

It just stands to reason that if you're getting paid tons of money to be seen naked and fucking that you would "have higher self-esteem, a better quality of life and body image, and are more positive." I can't see how any rational person could argue to the contrary, but shitheads argue all many of silly things.

And "spirituality" is something that I think that science should steer as clear from as possible, but this isn't my study, now is it?

The way I see it, you judge how spiritual someone is by how demonstrative they are. By almost any measure, the most spiritual folks are southern black Baptists, who scream, sing and call out to both Jesus and God with little or no prompting. They also tend to have the coolest music, but that isn't really relevant here.

When do white Evangelicals cry out to Jesus? When the snake bites them, at which point, it's usually too late.

I've watched any number of the great and good Bree Olson's fine fuck films (before Charlie Sheen ruined it for the rest of us) and found that she cried out to God and Jesus with some frequency and forcefulness. Now it might be that having your rectum impaled with a huge honker does that, but it's equally possible that the Artist Formerly Known as Rachel Marie Oberlin is just closer to Him than the rest of us.

Having said that, I know that a giant wang will make a girl cry out to her Deity but, as I said before, I'm sorta shy.

But what about the negative stereotypes of the women that that smoking hot Italian girl dismissively referred to as "sluts" and "whores" a decade ago? Aren't they impoverished junkies with "Daddy complexes" and famous penchant for self-destruction?

Not really, as it happens.

"Some descriptions of actresses in pornography have included attributes such as drug addiction, homelessness, poverty, desperation and being victims of sexual abuse," the report said. "Some have made extreme assertions, such as claiming that all women in pornography were sexually abused as children.

"Stereotypes of those involved in adult entertainment have been used to support or condemn the industry and to justify political views on pornography, although the actual characteristics of actresses are unknown because no study on this group of women has been conducted."

Long story short, we don't know if the shit-talking of these Golden Creatures is true because nobody has ever bothered to study it in a meaningful way. Is it true in some cases? Almost certainly. The anecdotal evidence bears that out.

What we don't know is whether it's just as true of any other sample of professional females. For all anyone knows, women in accounting or architecture could be equally (or more) likely to have been sexually victimized or prone to substance abuse.

The fact of the matter is that we just don't know. Absent demonstrable harm, it is the duty of every good capitalist to support and sustain the power of the market. And I'm nothing if not a good capitalist.

Not only is that good economics, it's just good science, people!

Three of a Kind: Islamists, Liberals and Social Conservatives

Since North Africa exploded with a furious stupidity on Tuesday September 11, I've found myself more fascinated by the reaction to the event than I have the event itself.

Evil people do violent things, such as break things and kill people. Having said that, it's only ever newsworthy these days when American things are broken and their citizens killed. That seems to get everybody's attention, especially in an election year. And make no mistake about it, this is only getting the attention it is because the United States is in a year that ends with an even number.

If you want to know the great secret behind Islamism, I'll give it to you. By and large, these people are from the poorest, most repressive countries on the planet. More importantly, their populations are more often than not riddled with illiteracy. I'm actually surprised that so many other people are surprised that so many people in such a condition are consumed with religious fundamentalism.

Impoverished illiterates not infrequently conflate their religion with their manhood. In cases where stupid people find their manhood insulted, they not infrequently respond with furious violence. If you don't believe me, I suggest that you go down to your neighborhood tavern and find the biggest, dumbest-looking drunken lout you can find and tell him that you'd be more likely to sexually sate his female companion than he is. Be sure to count your teeth afterward.

Religious fundamentalism works pretty much the same way, only with explosives. And those of you who believe that such sociology is operative only in the Muslim world must have missed much of the recent past in Northern Ireland, where bombs were used to settle religious differences with some regularity.

If anything, the Jihadis are most honest people in this debate. Say what what you will about them, but they actually are acting out the dictates of their Holy Book.  If you even skim through it, you'll very easily find religious justification for almost everything that they do. They might be murderous, sociopathic and wrong, but they aren't dishonest.

As a matter of fact, there isn't much in the Koan than isn't also in the Old Testament of the Bible, which is the foundation of both Judaism and Christianity. We just, for the most part, think that we got past it. If you believe the Bible to be the infallible Word of God, you have little choice but to believe that we've been terrible disciples, as is evidenced by the continued existence of Red Lobster and divorces that don't often result in stoning when said divorce is contested.

Mitt Romney is the first Mormon nominee for president. As recently as yesterday, he was pretending that his family were "refugees" from Mexico. However, he declined to tell you how they wound up south of the border in the first place.

The Church of Latter Day Saints were, under the tenants of their religion, polygamists who congregated mostly in Utah. Unfortunately, a condition of Utah's admission to the Union was the renunciation of polygamy. The LDS leadership then told their flock that God, in a remarkable example of serendipity, had changed his mind about multiple wives.

Mormon fundamentalists, including the Romney family, weren't buying it fled to Mexico where they could practice their religion, free of persecution, as was supposed to be their right under the First Amendment. The Mexican Revolution of 1910 forced the Mormons out and made George Romney, the future governor of Michigan and Mitt's dad, one of those who "are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe that government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it."

I only bring that up because the Romney family actually believed what their religion said was fundamentally true and wouldn't accept the accommodation their Church made with an expansionist government and were willing to sacrifice their homes to abide by it. It was only when circumstances presented them no other viable option that the Romneys renounced that central tenant of their faith.

Liberals (and not a small number of conservatives) want to excuse Muslim extremism because "the Enlightenment passed them by." Because of that, they say, we should shield them from anything that offends their religious sensibilities. This, of course, should be done in the name of pluralism.

This proves that modern liberals missed the entire point of the Enlightenment, which was to foster free speech and the exercise of reason at the expense of religion. Were it not so, we wouldn't enjoy neat things like astronomy today. Liberals are more than happy to stifle free speech and the quest for logical discourse in the name of keeping illiterate mysticists seven time zones away happy. The only problem is that the Enlightenment wasn't supposed to be "sensitive." The religious authorities at the time sure didn't think it was.

The simple fact of the matter is that they're never going to happy with us. They're upset by virtue of us being tin their lands at all, with our lust for their oil, love of their apostate strongman governments and refusal to stop shoving Nicki Minaj's tits in their face. Liberals want to turn back the Enlightenment for us because large parts of the Muslim world refuses to look into it themselves.

What is endlessly infuriating is Western social conservatives, who love to inflame Islamic radicals without recognizing that they believe in many of the same things. They'll put up images of Muhammad mere years after picketing The Last Temptation Of Christ with blatantly anti-Semitic placards directed at MCA's then-Chairman Lew Wasserman.

There's no end to the federal laws and constitutional amendments that social conservatives want passed based entirely on "biblical principles." Abortion, gay marriage, dancing in public. For all I know, if these people don't cotton to it and they want a law against it, goddammit! Why? Because Jesus wanted it that way!

It wouldn't bother me so much if religious types that wanted to pass legislation based on their theocratic beliefs if they were at least honest enough to read the full biblical prohibitions, which with uncanny frequency end with the phrase "punishment of death."

And there's no end to God's prohibitions that we've "grown out of;" such as working on the Sabbath, eating shellfish, or killing our children for dissing us. Human sacrifice, slavery and sex trafficking all things that are explicitly condoned in the Bible as well. There's absolutely no evidence behind creationism, but "Enlightened" types want its teaching mandated in public schools.

 By the way, there's nothing more amusing than critiques about religious fervour from a group that suffered a snake-handling death as recently as this past May.

We're demanding that the Muslim world, which is largely poor, illiterate and politically oppressed to "embrace the Enlightenment" when three-quarters of the people who are supposedly the beneficiaries of it won't embrace it themselves.

At least the jihadis are honest about it.

Rise of the Chicken Hawks

In the course of human events, people strive to get upset about stupid shit that affects them not in the least. There's no shortage of examples of that, and if I started listing them, I'd likely never be able to stop.

That's especially true of social issues. For the most part, you can see an inverse proportion of how pissed somebody gets over a given issue and how little it impacts their day-to-day life. And that's true of conservatives and liberals.

I came out in support of gay marriage all the way back in 2004 and there was no end to the stupid arguments I had with "small-government" conservatives about it. They seemed to like that the government approved of their lifestyle choices and decidedly didn't want to share in the goodies the government loaded down the tax code to favour them with.

My position is that the goddamned tax code should have nothing at all to do with how you live your life. Ideally, it would raise revenue to fund the fucking government and that's it. Conservatives, as a general rule, are lying out their asses when they decry "social engineering" by the government. In actual fact, they're pissed about social engineering contrary to their personal beliefs. They ignore the fundamental fact that a government that endorses your lifestyle today can just as easily oppose it tomorrow.

If nothing else, liberals are at least honest about wanting the government to get all up in your shit. I despise almost everything they believe, but I at least respect their honesty about it. Social conservatives tend to talk out of both sides of their mouths about the role of government.

Of course, liberals are also lifestyle hypocrites, as I learned when I publicly endorsed polygamy in the Bountiful case in British Columbia. Then I got to read all about how polygamy "goes too far." "involves coercsion" (ignoring entirely that almost all of the elements of said coercsion are already against the law,) and is generally icky. Those assholes actually sounded exactly like Rick Santorum. So fuck them.

In a roundabout way, that brings me to the latest clusterfuck surrounding Chick-fil-A and gay marriage. Even though I hadn't even heard of Chick-fil-A before last week, everybody seems to have an opinion about this, so I guess I should too. All things being equal, I'd rather not. But I know that you teenagers expect me to as timely as last week's headlines.

From calls for a boycott to pledges of support, Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy’s recent comments supporting traditional marriage have prompted strong reactions from groups on both sides of the issue.

Cathy’s remarks earlier this week to a Baptist website, in which he affirmed the Atlanta-based company’s belief in “the biblical definition of the family unit,” went viral Wednesday. Supporters and opponents of gay unions immediately weighed in.

“We know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles,” Cathy told the Baptist Press.

You know what annoys me more than anything else about religious types? The fact that they don't seem to understand what the "biblical principles" they support actually are.

What those people support are Leave it Beaver principles on marriage, not biblical ones. Marriage in biblical times (and in many societies even today) are little more than property transfers. You'd give some dude something, usually livestock, and you'd get his daughter. And if you croaked, your brother got her. Under "biblical principles," if you get caught raping a virgin, you're stuck with her because no other man will have her.

Chick-fil-A's president, Don Cathy made a great to-do about their being "married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that." I'm sure that no one gives more thanks to God for that than Mrs. Cathy, since "biblical principles" about divorce are quite a bit like what you see in Taliban-controlled areas of Afghanistan and Pakistan. The same books of the Bible that "define marriage" also have some fascinating things to say about eating shellfish and working on the Sabbath, which is actually Saturday, not Sunday. Don't believe me? Look at a calender. Notice where the seventh day falls?

Folks, I could give a shit about your biblical principles. All I ask is that you be consistent about living them yourselves before you bother anyone else with them. If you believe that your Book is the unchallengeable Word of God, don't be so selective about which parts of it define you as a person.

Mr. Cathy, along with most social conservatives, would be a whole lot more honest if they just said that they don't like queers very much. I'd respect them a lot more if they did that, instead of hiding behind a Bible that they clearly don't understand or follow in it's totality.

Lookee, I'm as unequivocal about free speech as you can get. You can say the craziest shit imaginable, and I'll at least support your right to say it. That decidedly doesn't mean that I won't call you a fucking moron, but I won't call for the goddamned government to step in and shut you up.

On the other hand, gays and mouthy liberals do have the right to be offended and not patronize your establishment once you get overly uppity about things that don't involve your corporate mission statement. Let's be clear about one thing, the only reason for Dan Cathy to create this public shitstorm was to play to the "Come to Jesus" crowd. It's a marketing move, pure and simple. There's simply no other reason for Mr. Cathy to have issued the statement he did.

I don't know how I'd react to this if Chick-fil-A operated in Canada. From what the great Jay Batman tells me, the food is delicious. But their message is offensive precisely because it's so moronic and transparently commercialized to appeal to a segment of the market. I'd prefer that my money not support that horseshit, but everybody loves them some fried chicken!

Here's an idea. Let's stop pretending that Don made a moral decision - which he didn't have to dedicate corporate funds and resources toward - rather than a calculated political and business one instead. The evidence does seem to support that.

As a general rule, I don't like organized boycotts. They tend to be every bit as annoying as the thing being protested in the first place, and the leaders of them tend to be hysterical assholes. Protesters of all political stripes tend to overwhelm their own message (and the one that they're protesting in the first fucking place) with their own ignorant assholery.

If gays, and people like me who support their marriage rights, quietly decided to stay away from Chick-fil-A, I couldn't help but support them. They too have speech and commercial rights. But I know that they won't be grating dickheads about it. That's the nature of politically-driven protests. They just can't help themselves, which is too bad.

But don't think you'll accomplish all that much. Chick-fil-A is a franchise operation, so you'll be hurting independent business people who could very well sympathize with you (and me.) Put them out of business and Chick-fil-A just resells the location to someone more inclined to their viewpoint. Trust me, you won't like the way that turns out. And I'm guessing that Mr. Cathy knows that if Chick-fil-A was an owned and operated business, he would've shut the fuck up. He's not gambling his money in this, which is why I think he's a coward.

Here's where I do have a problem, and one much greater than than the one I have with a restaurant that I hadn't heard of before last week.

Boston Mayor Thomas Menino told the Boston Herald he would work to block Chick-fil-A from opening a restaurant in the city. “You can’t have a business in the city of Boston that discriminates against a population,” Menino said.

Bullshit!

There's no evidence whatsoever that Chick-fil-A is "discriminating" against anyone in their business practices, at least not in a way that is applicable under current law. Even though they pretend that they're not, the Cathy family and Chick-fil-A are engaging in political speech.

I can independently choose where I eat fried chicken. I cannot choose to boycott the fucking government. So, when given the choice between supporting the right to engage in speech that I find repugnant and the overwhelming power of the state to suppress said speech, I'll always support the individual right to speech. Each and every time.

In this case, the people of Boston aren't even being given the chance boycott Chick-fil-A because cunts like Menino presume to make it  for them. And that's far more egregious than anything that Don Cathy or Dan Savage can ever do.

My personal opinion is that religion is superstitious, silly and unsupported by empirical evidence, which faith is supposed to be. But the government has the power to compel in ways that religion just doesn't in modern Western societies. I've shown that the Cathy family doesn't know their own fucking Bible half as well as they think they do. But it isn't the government's job to police that.

I'm not going to pretend that social conservatives wouldn't be every bit as hot and bothered if if Chick-fil-A supported gay marriage against their personal beliefs because I know that they would. That, however, is a matter of personal hypocrisy that I never tire of pointing out.

One way or another, the market will deal Chick-fil-A. It is not the function of the government, under Tom Menino or any other shithead, to do so unless they've clearly violated an existing law.

This is why people hate liberals. Whenever there's an issue that reasonable people are dying to get together with them on, they find a way to fuck it up. They make a noisy, stupid fucking spectacle of themselves and, within 72 hours, they insert the government where it doesn't belong.

The very people who are the loudest about stopping bullying are those who would use the unmatchable power of the state to bully dissent into submission.


Special thanks to Popehat and Screed of Momus.

Let's get the Catholic Church off of welfare

I've explained my history with the Catholic Church before. I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic schools for eleven years. However, when it came time for my confirmation, I realized that there wasn't a single major issue that I agreed with the Church on, so I declined formal membership into "the club."

I generally support the death penalty (except in Canada, for constitutional reasons involving double jeopardy and the government's ability to appeal a jury acquittal) and I think that abortion is adorable. I don't oppose war for it's own sake, even some aggressive wars. Any number of folks like to tell me that the Church doesn't necessarily stand against all war, but they can't cite one that the Holy See hasn't opposed in the last seventy years. I think that charity is a marvelous thing, but when it becomes a duty, it stops being charity. I also believe that government should be awfully careful when committing itself to the charity business.

I disagreed with the Church up and down the line, so I stopped being a Catholic when I was twelve years old. In my mind, that makes me more intellectually honest than the vast majority of Catholics, conservative and liberal alike, both of whom feel that the Church is "misguided" about 50% of its agenda at any given time.

That attitude is as sanctimonious as hell. You know what? They can't be misguided, you assholes! It's their fucking club. If you don't like their rules, get out of their treehouse. Sometimes life really can be as simple as that.

I'm of the mind that the Church is way too stingy about excommunicating fairweather Catholics. If it were my treehouse, Catholic law would be exactly that. Therefore, if you use birth control, get a divorce or an abortion, sit on jury that hands down a capital sentence, or volunteer for an "unjust war" (which, according to Church dogma, is most of them), out you'd go. Religion, after all, is the least democratic construct imaginable. No one has ever suggested that you get to outvote the Word of God.

But because the Church is way down on my list of things that I give a shit about, I'm generally supportive of their right to be wrong about everything. Even the tax exemption for the Church and its subsidiary institutions and charities doesn't bother me that much, even though I think that neither should exist. The Church obviously wants to play politics, so they can pay the entrance fee. I'm also of the belief that charity isn't charity when it is subsidized by the rest of society through the tax code. For that reason, I have never deducted charitable giving through on my taxes. The gifts that I give, however small, are 100% mine.

All things being equal, I try really hard not to think of my former church all that much.

Having said that, the Church has gone out of my way over the last few months to get my attention, both in the United States and here in Ontario, and that's what I'd like to discuss with you today.

Because of a constitutional quirk in the British North America Act of 1867, Catholic schools that want it receive public funding. Prior to 1984 that funding only went through grade 10 in Ontario. Afterwards the system was fully funded through what was then grade 13. The Catholic system is alone among religious schools in receiving public funds here. You'll see why that's important in a minute.

The genetically wrong and quite likely corrupt Liberal government of Dalton McGuinty recently decided that Catholic schools must be forced to accept something called "Gay-Straight Alliances," irrespective of their religious beliefs.

First, the Church's teachings awfully selective. You find almost no references to homosexuality in the New Testament. What you find about them is almost exclusively in the Old Testament, right alongside demented prohibitions against shellfish and tattoos (which immediately follows the queer stuff in Leviticus) and some truly fascinating divorce procedures. If and when religious folks ban their adherents from tattoo parlors and Red Lobster, I'll start taking their feelings about gay people seriously.

On the other hand, schools have sucked for years and are only getting worse. Each new generation is more awesomely fucking stupid than the last. If schools start focusing more on "the three r's" and less on social engineering (on both ends of the political spectrum,) they might finally stop being little more than retard factories. And that's especially true of sex education. The only people I trust less to teach anyone about fucking than the government is an institution that has an antiquated vow of chastity.

As much as I might personally sympathize with the motivations behind the gay-straight alliances, I'm not sure that schools are the proper forum for them, particularly by government diktat. As soon as those little bastards can read Dickens, show me where Pakistan is on an unmarked map or do my goddamned taxes without my winding up in prison, I might feel differently.

So far as "anti-bullying" measures go, most of the things that constitute bullying are already against the law or are in clear violation of existing school policies and definately actionable in civil courts. The question is - as it usually is - one of enforcement. I'm always suspicious when government takes further measures against things that are already criminal or creates drastic civil exposure. Usually, it constitutes nothing more than grandstanding by scumbag politicians of every stripe. For that reason, I rarely credit political types with good faith. And I'm never disappointed as a result.

It seems that the Catholic school boards object to the term "gay-straight alliance" more than anything else, but McGuinty is forcing them to accept it. Amazingly, no one is objecting all that strongly to the school boards' restrictions on the speech rights of their students. But again, it's hard to justify school time and resources being dedicated to non-academic activities (which I would extend to sports, clubs and other purely social functions, like dances and whatnot.) If students feel strongly enough about the issue, they can organize on their own time and call themselves whatever they want without the interference of the Church or the state.

Then there's the outrage and litigation against the Obama administration's insurance mandate for contraception. The Church itself is exempt, but their subsidiary institutions (schools, charities and hospitals) are not. So of course Catholics and sycophantic Republican shitheads are howling about "a war on religious liberty and the First Amendment."

Their argument is problematic in that most of the institutions at issue receive public funding in one way or another, either through direct subsidies, tax exemptions, grants or student loan programs. They're all on the dole to varying degrees and none of them have suggested that their faith is so strong that they're willing to forgo that funding to uphold it. They'd rather keep the money, sue, and become Republicans or members of the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario.

I'm amazed that the people who can't contain their outrage about gay-straight alliances and contraception mandates are almost always the very people who support drug testing welfare recipients. Those tests are in violation of the Fourth Amendment and individual privacy rights but, as Republicans and Conservative Party members will tell you, you sacrifice certain rights the second you take government money. They aren't wrong either. Private businesses accept all manner of restrictions and mandates when they receive public contracts.

As a matter of simple intellectual consistency, you can't support one government intrusion on liberty when public funding is involved and oppose the other. As a matter of constitutional theory, all rights are created equal. One person's right to the free exercise of religion is no more special than another's right to be free of unreasonable searches, except upon issuance of a warrant. And the reverse is also true. Liberty rights are liberty rights. You can't logically or realistically demand that the state infringe one one, yet insist that another is off-limits.

Of course, forgoing public subsidies probably wouldn't be the end of the matter. The government has the legal right to be involved in educational curriculum, even of home schooled children. And regardless of which party controls the White House and Congress next year, the American government is going to be a whole lot more involved in the health insurance industry.

However, Catholics would have a much stronger argument if they didn't insist on being paid pipers who play their own tune.

Kiss me on the bus

Because I stupidly thought I could get through life based on nothing but my rapier wit, rugged good looks and enormous fucking cock, I take public transportation a lot. That's why you should never listen to your heart or follow your childhood dreams, kids. They'll lie to you every time and lead you to ruin. Stay in school!

Having said that, I don't just ride the rocket because I'm a professional loser, although that has a lot to do with it. Toronto happens to be an impossible city to drive in. It was designed to accommodate maybe a half million people comfortably and now almost three million call it home, with another million and change commuting in every day. I could probably walk the 20 miles to work faster than I could drive it - and my cock is easier to park downtown than even a hatchback, although my formidably thick wang is bigger.

Anyhow, spending three hours a day on the TTC makes me feel something that liberal shitheads would probably call racism. But being the worldly type that I am, I recognize it for it is, a special blend of misanthropy and xenophobia.

You see, I've come to view my commute as special. It's "me time" whereupon I can focus solely on just how much I detest everything that my life has become. I find it prepares me for the next eight hours, that I know I'll spend praying for the giant coronary that finally finishes me off. Sometimes my internal monologue includes me practicing Redd Foxx's classic "I'm coming, Elizabeth!" line until I feel it's perfect, but mostly I just listen to Kevin Smith's 600 podcasts and ruminate.

The very last thing I need during those desperate hours is bizarre cultural spectacles that creep everybody the fuck out. This is Me Time, Asshole!

Case in point, I was coming home on the subway today from what was a truly hateful week at work, and I just wanted to listen to my Adam Corolla podcast and be left the fuck alone. I'm a pretty easy guy to please that way, I know. I hear it a lot. It was early enough in the day that the train wasn't the shitstorm of chaos and awful smells that it becomes just half an hour later and I was pleased with my ability to manipulate my staff into coming in early so that I could flee. I was as close to peace with myself as I get.

It was not to last long. A gentleman of Pakistani extraction decided to sit across the aisle from me. He was in his late forties or early fifties and wearing a golf cap and shirt, a spring jacket and chinos, all of which were equally creased and rumpled. It was actually a pretty impressive sartorial display, and I'm a guy who own a "Richard Nixon Athletic Department" t-shirt that I remain as proud of as the day I bought it in 1998.

He wasn't all that interested in me, but that wouldn't matter in mere seconds. And that's where shit gets creepy and weird.

There was this African girl who was maybe twenty years old in a hijab and immodestly tight jeans that caught his fancy in the next row of seats to his right. He expressed his interest in her by turning his portly frame so that he faced her, with his arm and leg over the seat immediately next to her. And he started pounding a beat on the back of the seat. An exotic beat. No good could come of this, thought I, trying as I was to listen to overly excitable Tea Party nativism and simplistic economics from a third-rate comedian and Andrew Brietbart.

Don't get me wrong, I would never condemn a man for ogling a girl less than half his age. I'm just not so fucking blatantly obvious about it. If you've read this blog for any length of time, you'd know that I'm far too classy for that. I also strive not to make my carnal intentions known to women that wear symbols of religious piety, unless they're worn for clearly ironic reasons. Strippers with crucifix necklaces have been a favorite of mine since I was six.

Then, over the maybe three feet that separated them, he started singing to her. Loudly enough that I could hear it above my maxed-out iPod, which meant that everybody else in the car could hear it, too. And this cat was no Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. I would've dug that and maybe jammed with him for a few bars.

Because he was singing in Urdu - which, again, I could hear and identify over a really loud Corolla podcast - I had know idea what he singing about. For all I know, it could have been a touching ballad about what a Jew-loving pig I am and how I should be slaughtered and my entrails left on the train tracks, but I don't think so. I wouldn't have necessarily disagreed with such a song, but that wasn't the vibe I was getting from it. The dude was trying to get his own bad self laid.

And he failed spectacularly. By the second verse, the object of his affection got the fuck up and hightailed it to the nearest exit. Where she remained for the next four stops. The best part? He went into a third verse. I felt horrible for this girl and started wondering how much damage my steel-toed boots could do on this asshole's skull. My initial estimate was somewhere in the neighborhood of "a lot."

As an aside, Africans traditionally understand about as much Urdu as your average Confederate soldier from the U.S civil war. But this girl knew that something devious, wrong and not in her best interests was afoot, as I suppose one does when a stranger starts melodically cooing to you in a tounge foreign to everyone in his immediate vicinity. His wardrobe did him no favors, either.

I tried giving her a sympathetic glance, but that was avoided on her side, what with my being an awkwardly tall white guy with a shaved head and all. I'm what you might call in an acquired taste in most communities, which is too bad, seeing as though I'm such a "people person."

It gets better. Our South Asian Hero didn't stop there. Once his One True Love turned away, he kept staring at the back of her covered head. And when she turned around, he waved at her and launched into a fucking fourth verse of his song! Or it might have been the bridge. Bridges are designed to get girls damp in drawers. Just ask Lemmy.

Now, I hardly consider myself an intellectual but everything I know wasn't learned from talk radio. I find that the best way to learn lessons is to ask questions. And the Pakistani on the subway was a Pandora's Box of queries.

As I mentioned earlier, this guy was even older than I am. And he had a confidence in his delivery that undermined the notion that this was the first time that he attempted this particular strategy of seduction. Singing to strangers in language that no one understands in public is something that I would think he had done a few times before. Then there was his particular manner of haute couture. I get the idea of loving an outfit so much that you live in it for weeks at a time, but in my experience, the ladies don't.

What I'm getting at is this must have worked for him before, and more than once. Men are famously creatures of habit and aren't given to sudden changes in their seductive technique.

Somehow, somewhere. some woman - probably a pious African woman, what with the creatures of habit of men, and all - heard this cat's mating song and lept right into his lap and cooed "You are from Rawalpindi, yes? Take me now, here in the subway! I need it! I need you! Only you! In the ass! Be my Daddy!"

Although it contradicts everything I know about the human condition and the female sexual psyche, it must have worked for him at least once. And that's why I hate humanity.

If you want to know why I hate myself, consider this: I just wrote 1,386 words describing an event that took less than ten minutes to actually happen. And I can almost guarantee you that this little essay isn't going to get me laid.

So who's the bigger loser, me or the obnoxious singing Pakistani? Is this how the TTC is supposed to be the Better Way? Does it it exist for me to find more reasons to hate myself? Is this why I pay my fucking taxes?

I should have killed myself when I was three.

Dead!

Several media outlets are reporting that Osama bin Laden was killed in an American missile strike last week and that President Obama is about to address the nation from the White House momentarily. I'm live-blogging this, so expect mistakes to appear that I'll clean up later. The body is in U.S custody and DNA tests have been done.

Nothing yet to link yet, but Geraldo Rivera is reporting it on Fox News right now.

10:57 EST: CNN is on the air reporting the story as well. MSNBC has taken a break from decade old prison rapes and has David Gregory on the air.

Apparently, Vice President Biden notified congressional leaders earlier this evening.

11:02: EST: The New York Times has the story online. Click to enlarge.

WASHINGTON — Osama bin Laden has been killed, a United States official said. President Obama was expected to make an announcement on Sunday night, almost ten years after the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

11: 17 EST: I would be much happier if the got the son of a bitch alive. Martyrdom is exactly what he and his twisted brethren have been counting on for fifteen years now.

11:21 EST: Fox News is reporting that crowds are gathering outside the White House chanting "USA, USA!"

11:27 PM: Fox is now citing AP reports that bin Laden was killed in a "ground operation" in Pakistan, not a drone or air strike.

11:31 PM: Cute Tweet ... click to enlarge

11:34 PM EST:  Fox News reporting that Speaker Boehner, who was ironically in Pakistan tonight, was notified by the president at 10:30 PM

11:35 PM EST: President Obama on TV, confirms the death. It is done!

11:38 PM EST: Obama says that he was briefed on a location for bin Laden last August. Says the operation was carried out today! No American casualities.

11:40 PM EST: "We must - and we will - remain vigilant at home and abroad."

11:41 PM EST: Cites co-operation with Pakistani intelligence and military in the killing, which I was just wondering about.

11:42 PM EST: We can say to the families and loved ones of victims "Justice has been done." to families of 9/11, "We have never forgotten in your loss, wavered in our committment."

Great speech.

I want to hold off on the politics of this until tomorrow. I really hope that no one says anything especially stupid in the next few days, although I know that everybody will.

11:48 PM EST: Statement released from the office of George W. Bush. Notified in call from Obama this evening. "No longer how long it takes, justice will be done."

12:06 AM EST: Crowd outside of the White House singing the Star Spangled Banner ...



12:10 AM EST: Here is the full statement from Former President Bush.

"Earlier this evening, President Obama called to inform me that American forces killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of the al Qaeda network that attacked America on September 11, 2001. I congratulated him and the men and women of our military and intelligence communities who devoted their lives to this mission. They have our everlasting gratitude. This momentous achievement marks a victory for America, for people who seek peace around the world, and for all those who lost loved ones on September 11, 2001. The fight against terror goes on, but tonight America has sent an unmistakable message: No matter how long it takes, justice will be done."

12:13 AM EST: The statement by President Obama



12:23 AM EST: I hate the White House's website. It takes them forever to get text and video up. Say what you will about the Bush administration, but they were crackerjack webmasters.

12:30 AM EST: Why do I get the feeling that somewhere out there, L. Paul Bremer is muttering to himself "I'm way better at those announcements ..."



12:55 AM EST: Unauthenticated picture of the bin Laden corpse, ruthlessly stolen from Girl on the Right. Better version here.

The military says the body is "being handled in accordance with Islamic customs and traditions."

1:06 AM EST: Some Canadian just said to Geraldo outside of the White House, "You in America care too much about where people are born. It only matters where they die."

2:227 AM EST: The best picture I've seen in a good long time. Stolen from Patterico's Pontifications. God bless the NYFD!

Another special appearence

By Raymi's ass!

Jesus Christ and all the Dwarves in Disneyland, that thing is just spectacular. It takes my breath away every time I see it. It speaks to me in a secret language that only I can understand. It says things to me. It lets me know what it wants, what it needs, in ways that the English language is simply inadequate. You know that something is special when communication transcends language, which is why it's so rare.

Although I've never met Raymi (who is considerably younger than I am), I think her marvellous, marvellous dumper instinctively knows the almost spiritual experience that my mighty. mighty rimjobs bring to everyone that experiences them. There aren't a lot of things that I'm famous for - God knows that that hot girls are endlessly bored by my political pontifications - but when I finally have the good sense to die, I hope that I'm remember for all of the mystical feelings that my mouth has given the women in my life.

It seems only proper that they would go forth and tell the villagers about my gift until it becomes the legend it properly deserves to be. The menfolk that I leave behind should be inspired by my example and learn to slurp on their lady's naughty bits until it changes the way she views life. If my time on this mortal plain has served any purpose at all, I hope that would be it. And Raymi's perfect posterior has a lot to do with that.

I've strived to always avoid being spiritual in public, but things like Miss White's delicate ring piece make that impossible. And you know what? It should! How tragically empty would life be if we simply survived from day to day, never knowing that there was something better out there for each of us? Yes, we make it through the day, but to what end? Why?

As an atheist, Easter has always been a difficult time for me, a sad and tragic period that deprives me of the sense of redemption so freely bestowed upon my theist friends. But this year, I have found something to celebrate, something greater and more powerful than I will ever be. There is nothing false about the idol I worship, oh no! All of life's beauty is contained within it, and few things inspire me to truly evangelize the way it does. Sure, human resurrection is impressive, but let's not get carried away with ourselves.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of Raymi's beautiful butt cheeks and I would freely die for their sins, both real and imagined. After all, how could I not? Just take a gander at how they look in those shorts! That video is nothing short of a revelation, and I hope that you all gather your families around this weekend and see the majesty in it. It might just bring us all closer together as a great family of man and it'll probably be the holiest you do over the holiday.


in the fade from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

Christ, I'm adorable. Is it any wonder that I'm an internationally renowned Lothario?