When Moshiach Comes, Will He Give Me an iPad Mini?

As you all know, I'm not a religious man. Since I was six, my position has been that if I absolutely must subscribe to intellectually unsupportable superstitious nonsense, it should at least be intellectually unsupportable superstitious nonsense that gets me laid. If some borderline cult gets my faith, energy, time and money then I should at least get stinky fingers out of it. That only seems fair.

Having said that, I acknowledge that I could be wrong. It's rare that I am, but I'd be less than wholly honest if I said it never happened. And, as a general rule, I rather enjoy folks with viewpoints different that mine. It keeps life interesting, and people who believe everything I do bore me terribly.

That's why I'm lucky to have a friend like the good and great Dr. Reverend, my closest friend and spiritual advisor of some two decades. I'd encourage you all to get to know him, but he likes people even less than I do.

From time to time, my phone will ring and I'll instinctively know that Herr Doktor is on the other end of the line, seeking to improve the condition of my immortal soul.

"You scumbag," he'll holler into the receiver. "You're too preoccupied with cocaine, Chivas Regal and orgies! Those things are all fine, if messy when taken in combination, but you need to read your fucking bible! Exactly what are you going to do when Moshiach comes? You think He's going to be impressed with you thick wang and ability to snort a three-mile line of blow? Well, he might, but that's not the point. You need to get right with the Lord, son!"

Not only are the Doctor's tirades impressive performance art, they have a ring of Truth to them.

As I said earlier, I could very well be wrong about the existence of a Higher Power. I don't think I am, but stranger things have happened. So I've decided to cover my bases. In financial circles, they call it hedging.

While I was raised Catholic, I just can't get behind Jesus. He's simply not trending the way he should. When the only person who relates to you is Chris Brown, you've got what can only be considered a serious branding problem. Besides, look what happens every time He makes a personal appearance.



That's right. If a group of crazed Italians don't get you, then some homeless Dudebro with a hatchet will. And I just can't rely on that when the End Times come. You're free to, but I have a feeling it won't end the way you want it to.

Besides, Christians haven't faced any serious adversity since roughly the second century. How do you know that He'll have your back when shit gets real?

The Jews are different. They've been fucked over by everyone wherever they've gone since the dawn of recorded history. They can't even be in a room with each other without a violent disagreement breaking out. Yet they've persevered, which tells me that they have a Friend in High Place.

So I've concluded that if there's anything at all to this superstitious nonsense about an afterlife, Dr. Reverend is likely right and Moshiach is the way to go. And that's why I'm helping him spread his righteous message.

The Good Doctor is spreading that message in the most modern of evangelical ways; on a t-shirt. If you want Moshiach to immediately recognize you as a believer upon His vengeful arrival, you don't just want this shirt, you need it. It just might be the best fifteen bucks you've ever spent. After all, this is your soul we're talking about, people!

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that there's something in it for me. I've been advised that if the Doctor sells 200 of these shirts, he'll use the proceeds to buy me an iPad mini. And I desperately need one of those. There are about 1,500 of you here every day, and I suspect that a healthy majority of you have souls in dire need of saving.

And you know what, iPad Minis just don't buy themselves. So help a couple of brothers out.

The University of Toronto's Department of Lifestyle Studies

A couple of weeks ago, in a review of Django Unchained, I said that " people who see politics in everything should probably be buried alive." Not only is that the truest thing I've ever written, it might be the truest thing written by anyone, ever!

You know what you should see politics in? Politics. Pretty much everything else should be apolitical. Modern politics is little more than an exercise in being deliberately dishonest or honestly idiotic. Watch cable news for an hour. Then watch an hour of cartoons. If you have a difficult time deciding which had more intellectual content, you aren't alone.

Look, I don't give a fuck about what Bono thinks about the issues, and I wish that he'd stop telling me. The only thing I want to know about him is whether or not he can put out another album as cool as Achtung Baby, and I'm pretty sure that he can't. Everybody knows what Ted Nugent thinks, but it's been at least thirty years since he's accomplished anything other than receive second-billing to a goddamned puppet show, so who gives a shit?

The very last thing that should be political is fucking, and there's no shortage of asexual political misfits on both sides insisting otherwise. An entire field of sexual politics has been defined by a group of people who nobody in their right mind would want to fuck in the first place. Ideally, politics involves great thought and deliberation, and the best sex usually happens when thinking ceases entirely. Whether they're on the left or the right, people who insist on combing sex and politics universally suck at both.

So it goes without saying that the Outrage Machine is going to go into overdrive about this story.

It’s being billed online as an epic student sex club adventure — and in other corners of the web, a student orgy.

The University of Toronto Sexual Education Centre (SEC) is kicking off its annual Sexual Awareness Week next Monday at Oasis Aqua Lounge, a downtown club that bills itself as a water-themed adult playground, where swingers are welcome and sex is allowed everywhere but the hot tub.

“U of T is holding an orgy, and you’re invited! You just need your student ID” one Reddit user posted in a University of Waterloo forum.

But not so fast!

“Our executive director made it very clear that this is not an orgy, we’re not funding an orgy,” says external education and outreach co-ordinator Dylan Tower, 22, as he sits inside the sixth-floor office of SEC. “People are allowed to have sex on premise … there is not any type of ‘You should be having sex when you’re here.’ It’s very much, come and enjoy the space, there’s no prodding or pushing in that direction.”

There are names for people who show up at orgies and don't fuck. "Perverts." And do you have any idea what it takes to be labelled a pervert at an orgy? You really, really don't want to know, but the process of finding out can be even more fun than you'd suspect.

 SEC has rented a downtown Toronto fuck club (because such things are legal in Canada), Oasis Aqualongue, out for the event.

Of course, if you're overly political, this is going to twist your titty in big, bad way. Shithead social conservatives are going to look for some idiotic "culture war" angle, and victimhood junkie liberals are going be in a desperate search for victims, if only because they need something to do between SlutWalks.

As you might expect, I have other concerns.

The group’s mission is to foster a sex-positive attitude in the greater U of T area, by offering information, programming, safer-sex supplies, and peer counselling in a welcoming environment. Their sexual awareness week includes a discussion on sex positivity, an interactive sex toy demonstration and an afternoon of pornography. The first event is the party at Oasis: the organization rented the club and lowered the price to $5 a person. (Admission for couples is normally $80.)

Tower said it is a safe and cheaper way to introduce curious students to the sex club scene in Toronto. The group plans to provide a “myriad of safer-sex supplies” so “everyone can be as safe as possible” and volunteers will circulate to “make sure everyone is respectful and having the best experience Oasis has to offer,” he posted online, addressing concerns.

We're all probably a lot better off if we don't discuss how I know how fuck clubs work, but there's one thing I need to share with you. If you have larger than average genitals, do not under any circumstances rely on their condoms. They only supply them in the "regular" (or as I like to call them, "pre-teen" size.) As you might might imagine, no good can come of that.

Actually, maybe not. If you really want to impress a group of potential paramours, try on one of the establishment's scumbags and watch the ladies' eyes widen in amazement when you snap it in half. Don't ask me how I know that'll happen, just know that I do. Your WonderWang will immediately become quite the conversation piece. There are few things as flattering as having your heroic girth becoming the talk of the town.

I'm also wary of any public sexual event that allows college -aged men to participate. I've discussed this with dozens and dozens of women over the years, and they are of the universal opinion that guys under 30 just don't know how to fuck. Not only do most of these whippersnappers need training wheels under their balls, adequate cunnilingus is well beyond their skill set. I'm shocked that more sexually mature girls don't scream at them to "get off of my lawn," so to speak.

Of course, younger women are no great help because they're singular failures in telling their partners what they want and how they want it done. Oh, they'll tell all of their friends how inadequate you are, and they'll eventually tell me. They just won't help you out when you need it most.

Higher education is supposed to be about exactly that: education. And there's just no way that a 20 year old with a football scholarship and a minor in date rape can be expected to know the intricacies of a Vietnamese spin-fuck chair. No 19 year former cheerleader knows what miracles occur when she tickles a man's perineum with the tip of her tongue.



These are things that take years of experience and experimentation. I'm all for "fostering a sex positive attitude," I just think it should be done properly. And that necessarily requires the presence of mature mentors. Just as you don't let first-year chemistry students dick around with the beakers without adult supervision, the same should be doubly true of their goodies.

Folks in their late teens and early twenties think sex is pretty awesome, but they don't have a fucking clue. Just as Dan Savage teaches us, albeit in a very different context, "It gets better." And, oh, it gets so much better.

Be that as it may, the endeavour is getting kudos from the academic community, as well it should.

Jocelyn Wentland, PhD student in the Human Sexuality Research Laboratory at the University of Ottawa, said the centre should be commended for “not hosting another ‘happy hour’ at the campus bar and doing something unique.”

“Young people often experiment with their sexuality, and we know that many young adults’ conceptualizations of what constitutes a ‘relationship’ has changed over the years. Recognizing those changes and offering mechanisms and events for young adults to self-express their sexual attitudes in a safe environment should be encouraged,” she wrote in an email. “It’s time that we recognize that not everyone is in heterosexual, monogamous, committed long-term relationships and nor does everyone wish to be.”

There comes a point in everyone's life when they realize that monogamous relationships are the very worst kind. No matter how wonderful your monogamous partner might be, it's virtual certainty that he or she doesn't have two tongues with which to lick your favourite no-no places in tandem. If they do, there's a very high probability that they're fucking radioactive.

As a blogger of international renown, I know a great deal about self-expression, and I'm here to tell you that it's never as satisfying as when you're blasting it all over the face and chest of someone you just met. Some of my greatest interpersonal relationships started exactly that way and I'm sure that many more will.

Tower says sex positivity is all about coexisting, and not having disagreements about what is morally right or appropriate.

“We just make sure that everyone, no matter what they’re into, can communicate about it, and have a great experience socially, without people being like, “You can't do that, that’s gross.”

Well, except for watersports. And poo-parties. Anything German is gross and I think we can all agree about that. But I'm getting beyond the point, aren't I?

Look, if U of T itself were paying for this, I might feel differently. But they aren't, so I don't give a shit. Besides, if more and younger women get involved in the lifestyle at an earlier age, the better the chances are that I'll run into them one good eve. And no one is more about helping young adults self-express their sexual attitudes more than I am. I'm pretty Christ-like that way.

And that should be enough reason for my friends on the left and the right to keep their busy yaps shut about this. But I can almost guarantee you that they won't. I'd put good money on the Canadian blogosphere going apeshit about this story by noon, mostly because the Canadian blogosphere is out to ruin my good time, the assholes.

If the University of Toronto wanted to accomplish something even more productive, they'd offer a course in How to Live Like a Real Man.

In Further Praise of Rihanna

I had an interesting argument with a friend of mine of Facebook the other day. I've known this woman for nearly thirty years and I've learned a lot from her.

During the 1988 presidential campaign, Michael Dukakis was some 17 points ahead of Vice President Bush. Then, as now, Bush was personal hero of mine and I was growing worried. My friend consoled me with what remains the most prescient political analysis I've ever heard.

"Don't worry," she said. "Bush will win."

I was more than a little mystified by this. No one had come back from a 17-point deficit in my lifetime at that point. I wanted her to be right. Shit, I needed her to be right. But I needed to know why she thought  the way she did.

"Really, " asked I. "Why do think so? I mean, the polls are bad ..."

"Don't worry," she interrupted. "Dukakis is married to a Jew. And her name is Kitty."

Uh oh, I thought. We're going down a road that can get ugly quick. Thankfully, my friend is Jewish and these were her thoughts, not mine. The last thing I needed in high school was being branded an anti-Semite. I was having a hard enough time getting laid back then.

I decided to let her finish.

"Kitty is a terrible name for a Jew," she continued. "The American people will never put a Jew named Kitty in the White House."

And you know what? She was right! At least I thought she was until Joe Lieberman ran for president. Say what you will about the man's politics and policies, but Hadassah Lieberman is maybe the most amazingly Jewish name imaginable. Just try to top that, I dare you!

Needless to say, I've put a lot of stock in her opinions ever since. She sees the blind spots that people like me all too often miss.

Anyhow, she (and no, I'm not going to use her name because she isn't a blogger and likely doesn't want to be associated with psychotic drivel like this) opined on Rihanna this past Sunday. I'm guessing because she was on Saturday Night Live the night before.

The conversation went as follows;

Am I the only one that doesn't see the appeal of Rhianna?

As you might imagine, there was no way I could let that stand. I'm not just a heterosexual male, I'm a champion of my gender and orientation. Maybe, at the risk of sounding immodest, the greatest champion of all. After all, I have a blog.

And there is literally no end to Rihanna's appeal. She's physically perfect in ways that only people who believe in childish notions, like the existence of a loving god, can truly understand. I don't believe in god, and certainly not a loving one, but I can't escape the cold reality that Rihanna was put here by a Higher Power to torture me through my awesome loins. I also feel the same way about Kerry Washington and Rosario Dawson.

Anyone who's seen her naked (link NSFW) knows that. That's just good science, people! Look at her, with the nipple rings and the total absence of public hair! And looka that ass! (also NSFW)

I had to disabuse my friend of this nonsense once and for all. As you might expect, I wasted no time in doing so. I'm not the greatest champion of heterosexual men for nothing, you know!

You're wrong. She's the hottest thing on earth and an outstanding excuse for ridding the world of Chris Brown!

There's probably no higher calling for mankind than ending the physical existence of Chris Brown. Moreover, it's an achievable mission in way that, say, ending the Iranian nuclear program isn't. While we'll likely be forced to live with atomic mullahs (which, by the way, is going to be my next band's name,) Brown can be dispatched to the hereafter with very little effort. One drone attack should do it.

Look, I'm not going to say that Rihanna was right to get all pissy about Chris' booty calls. That's just contrary to way nature works. Until we get beyond our childish and wrong polygamy laws, there are always going to be things that a man simply has to do, and nine out of every ten of those things are going to be strange pussy. We're biologically programmed that way, and the only way to stop us to ensure that we're always exhausted!

Having said that, there is no justification to beating the crap out of a girl who looks like that. I'm amazed that the judge in People v. Brown could look at Rihanna on the witness stand, then look at the police photos of what was done to her and still sentence him to community service. At a bare minimum, crucifixion should've been on the table. Were I on the bench, he would've been eaten alive by fucking lions.


My friend of several decades still persisted in continuing the argument, even though aesthetics, common sense, justice and science itself were working against her.

Yes she's pretty. Yes, she's kind of sexy (in a no boobs kind of way). But her music SUCKS.

Once again, I couldn't leave the topic alone. I'm not considered the Clarence Darrow of poontang for nothing. And for the sake of my argument, we'll forget that Darrow actually lost the Scopes Monkey Trial.

She sings? All I know is that I'd give anything to hold her like a bowling ball. And, although smallish, her knockers are beautifully shaped and will age extraordinarily. I'm a long-view breed of cat, I guess.

I was maybe too crude by half in presenting my case. I can only say that it was fairly early on a Sunday when this ugliness was brought to my door.

Of course no woman should be compared to a bowling ball. Only the worst losers (and probably serial killers) bowl. I should've said that I would do anything to be the Edgar Bergen to Rihanna's Charlie McCarthy, which implies something of a partnership. But, as my spiritual mentor, the great Dr. Reverend keeps asking, what would I make her say?

That my friends, is for me to know and you to find out, ideally from the purchase of the sex tape!

I should also point out that I was being a cutie-pie when I said that I didn't know Rihanna sings. Of course I do. As a matter of fact, I try to get every woman who meets my acquaintance to not just listen to "S&M" but to live its message. You probably haven't lived until you do.



I've written about this before, but that song is truly prophetic and has an important message for women of all ages that shouldn't be ignored!

"Being submissive in the bedroom is really fun," she says. "You get to be a little lady, to have somebody be macho and in charge of your shit. That's fun to me...I like to be spanked. Being tied up is fun. I like to keep it spontaneous. Sometimes whips and chains can be overly planned – you gotta stop, get the whip from the drawer downstairs. I'd rather have him use his hands."

Don't just take it from me, ladies. Rihanna has sold 85 million records; more than R.E.M, Van Helen, The Doors, Beyonce and Nirvana. So what she says has to be important, especially when what she's saying is that you need to be tied down and taken, ideally anally. That's just the numbers talking, but I'm not so arrogant as to disagree. Capitalism is never wrong, folks. Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows that.

If I were the only one who felt this way about Rihanna, I'd keep my mouth shut. But I'm not. Even homosexualist instructional manuals like GQ and Esquire have been forced to admit this cosmic truth, naming her the Greatest Woman of Our Time! Given their druthers, they'd probably name the Green Lantern guy that, but the Truth was just too strong.

Rihanna isn't just an important woman, she might be the most important woman of our time!

The Redemption of Monica Lewinsky

Have I mentioned lately that Bill Clinton is an idiot?

Don't get me wrong, he's a political genius and, and anyone who saw the Democratic National Convention earlier this month knows, the greatest performer of my lifetime, including Reagan. Watching him go when he's on a roll is nothing short of spellbinding.

But he just doesn't know how women think. For example, he ejaculated on and about Monica Lewinsky's now famous blue Gap dress and then assumed that she wouldn't keep it. Who does that?

When I blow my ball batter about, I just assume that any young lady in the vicinity is going to keep it. I'm often told how delicious it is and it may well be the secret of eternal youth. Not for nothing, but no woman who I've emptied myself on or in has ever suffered a serious illness and has actually been cured of any minor ailment that they may have been suffering at the time. I've often thought of selling my jizz at old-timey medicine shows, but the busybody assholes at the FDA won't let me. Any paramour of mine who has ingested my goo has immediately began singing "Yummy, yummy, yummy/ I've got cum in my tummy" at the top of their lungs for several hours afterward.

I never thought I was special in that regard. I just figured that all relationships worked that way. It was only in 1998 that I discovered otherwise.

His intellectual and political gifts - and his remarkable ability to lie - aside, former President Clinton is among the sleaziest individuals to walk the earth. Contrary to popular opinion, he assuredly didn't like women very much.

The late Christopher Hitchens put the lie to that myth when Clinton's defenders asserted that "everyone lies about sex." That may be true, Hitch remarked, but when men lie about sex it's often out of a Victorian impulse to protect a woman's honour. Wild Bill was different. He lied about sex in the most damaging and defamatory way to his partners imaginable. Whenever the President was romantically connected to a lady, he and his White House painted them as psychopathic whores.

 

 The fact that women supported Clinton to the extent that they did suggested that abusive relationships are a two-way street far more often than most people would have you believe. On the other hand, maybe it's a Southern thing.

Nearly fifteen years later, I still can't understand that. I've always considered a young lady's desire to google my knob among the greatest gifts one can get. Anyone who would want me to fire off a creamy twenty-one gun salute into their skull is most assuredly a friend of mine. To this very day, I love and appreciate every girl that has shared such an experience with me, even if I can't remember all of their names.

For several years I was dumb enough to enthusiastically support the impeachment of William Jefferson Clinton for perjury and obstruction of justice as as a righteous cause. After all, justice is meaningless if some men are allowed to hold themselves above because of their office and associations.

It was only in July of 2007, when the Republican party asserted that Scooter Libby's perjury was unworthy of any serious punishment at all, that I changed my mind. Libby lied both to FBI agents and before a Grand Jury about the leaking of a CIA agent's identity to the Goddamned Liberal Media, which is considerably more consequential than a fib about cocksucking. Had I not already renounced my fondness for the GOP during the Terri Schiavo debacle, I would have done so when President Bush commuted Libby's sentence.

Clinton's continuing protestations of victimhood remain among the most stomach-churning spectacles I've ever witnessed. There was only one real victim in that strange and savage saga: Monica Lewinsky herself.

Everybody else involved - Clinton, his craven staff, the Office of Independent Counsel and the hypocritical fuck-monsters of the GOP - all pretty much got what they deserved. In so far as Clinton's passion for blowjobs was directly responsible for the election of George W. Bush and his monstrous reign of error, I suppose that you can argue that America itself was a victim as well, but the country sure enjoyed the spectacle while it lasted.

Miss Lewinsky was a good girl. She (and I hope that you forgive this unavoidable pun) strived mightily to keep her mouth shut. She perjured herself in the Paula Jones case to protect Mr. Bill and initially refused to cooperate with OIC. It was only after Kenn Starr threatened her and, it should be mentioned, her mother with decades in prison that she folded.

Monica was only an afterthought to Clinton. Even after he (sort of) admitted his wrongdoing on August 17, 1998, it still took him over a month for him to apologize to her, and he hasn't personally communicated his regrets to her to this day.

After leaving office, Clinton got a gigantic sum of money to write an unreadable book, made a fortune on the lecture circuit, became a revered figure in his party and an elder statesman to his country. Starr himself got a book contract and each new job he got was cooler and more lucrative than the last. Most of the reptiles in the Republican party were happily reelected and went on to proposition teenage boys, fuck high-priced whores and get suck-started in Minneapolis airport bathrooms. The chief engineer of the Clinton impeachment, Newt Gingrich, was being regularly blown by a staffer at the time. When his wife learned about this, the Speaker asked for an open marriage. All of the above are why I think that the idea that "the government should set a moral example" is evidence of possible civic retardation.

The only person who suffered at all was Monica Lewinsky and her life was thoroughly ruined. She was in debt to her lawyers to the tune of millions of dollars, left completely unemployable and unable to have a long-term romantic relationship. More than even Clinton, her name quickly became a national punchline. Worst of all, there's probably nobody in the world that can relate to her predicament. In almost every way you can imagine, she's alone.

And for what? Blowing a married man? Shit, everybody else in that story did far worse as a matter of daily routine before they were fully awake in the morning. And each and every fucking one of them managed to profit from the experience.

Her loyalty extended even to 2009, when she finally said in an e-mail interview for Ken Gormley's book The Death of American Virtue: Clinton vs. Starr (which I highly recommend) that the President continued to lie throughout the impeachment process.

Well, at long last, it's Monica's turn. She's shopping a book for $12 million (which, after adjusting for inflation, is about as much as Clinton got his singularly unreadable 2004 memoir.) And it promises to be humiliating for the former president and elder statesman.

Lewinsky never got explicit in past interviews about her Clinton encounters, but now plans to describe his “insatiable desire for three-way sex, orgies and the use of sex toys of all kinds,” one pal told the National Enquirer.

The purported details of the potentially embarrassing tome come after the Post’s Page Six reported last week that Lewinsky was shopping a tell-all to several publishers.

According to her friends, Lewinsky also will recount how Clinton referred to wife Hillary as a “cold fish” and “laughed” about their “non-existent sex life.”

She’ll also release love letters she wrote to Clinton.

“In them, she opened her heart about her love for Bill and how much happier she could make him,” said the source. “Some of what she wrote was so raw that she never sent them.”

 You know what? I hope that she gets the full $12 million and that every man, woman and child in America buys the book, making her wealthy beyond her dreams.

Of everyone involved in the tawdry Clinton legacy, Monica Lewinsky was the only person even approaching innocence. Was she naive and perhaps even remarkably dumb? Sure, and I'm pretty sure that even she would tell you that. But people forget that she was a 22 year old girl at the time that she was involved with the most powerful man in the world, and she wound up having her life ground through the gears of the federal government for over a year.

Miss Lewinsky did nothing that girls that age don't do each and every day and, for her trouble, she was bankrupted, personally destroyed and her reputation forever ruined. Everyone will forget that, say, Paris Hilton ever existed ten seconds after she dies, but Monica Lewinsky has to know that hundreds of years from now people will still be reading about her dalliances with Clinton.

No other presidential mistress in American history was exposed in real time. We only learned about the ones that we did long after it could do them real harm and, in most cases, after they were already dead. The most private moments of Monica's life were dragged into the daylight when she was just starting her adulthood and she's had to live with the devastating consequences of that ever since.

Can you even begin to imagine what that must be like? I certainly can't. Because of a purely private act in her very early 20s, Monica Lewinsky will soon enter her 40s and still have no real prospect of a career or a family of her own. For all anybody knows, she may still owe her lawyers money. Her legal fees must have been astronomical and, unlike Clinton, her earning potential was decimated. She made a few million in the aftermath of the fiasco, but I'd be surprised if it was enough to pay her bills and rebuild her life.

I know that I started this little article with innumerable blowjob jokes. That's because I'm a bad man and I couldn't help myself. But I have always felt a deep sympathy for Monica and always will. Yes, Bill Clinton and Kenneth Starr ruined her life, but all of us were joyous spectators in it. And she didn't do anything to deserve that. Her punishment couldn't have been more disproportionate to her supposed "crime."

They say that America is the land of second chances. Bill Clinton sure as hell got one. I couldn't be more sincere in hoping that Monica Lewinsky does, too. Few people probably deserve it more.