The Plastic Kardashian

If you're anything like me, chances are that you've wanted to hold Kim Kardashian like a baseball glove. No one's going to judge you on that. God knows that there's something about a nouveau riche Armenian tart with big knockers and a huge, yet remarkably tight ass that men everywhere find nothing less than enchanting.

There's no reason to be ashamed of your feelings. That's what my mom tells me, and I'm inclined to believe her over, say, my parole officer. The key to life is knowing who to trust. And the key to knowing who to trust is finding someone that's willing to say whatever you want to hear because you were so adorable as a kid.

But I'm not going to lie to you. There are practical matters to consider. If in the unlikely event you get to violate the real Karadashian, you'll blow your load and find yourself stuck in a room with Kim Karashian. I'm sure that there are worse fates than being trapped like a rat with a vapid famewhore who lacks even the most superficial semblance of a personality, but none are coming to mind right now. Orgasms so powerful that they actually make you eyes cross make you see things in ways that you otherwise wouldn't when your balls are bloated and blue.

Or you might be afraid of getting the remnants of Reggie Bush or, heaven help us all, Ray J, glued to your ween. No matter how many John Howard Griffin social experiments you've embarked on in your time, you're never going to size up to those motherfuckers. Trust me, I've embarked on them all, and all they ever got me was an ass-kicking when I tried voting in Mississippi. And more than a few women laughed in my face when they discovered my theory that shoe polish would make me look bigger in the pants. As it happens, it doesn't.

Yet, no matter how hard you try to abandon the desire, you still want to make Kim Kardashian your personal three-input girl. I understand that. And thankfully, so do the good people at Pipedream Products!

Kim Kardashian was upset about the surprise release of her nude photos and now RadarOnline.com has learned the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star is being made into a life-size adult blow-up doll.

Pipedream Products recently introduced the Kinky Kim Filthy Love Doll to their “Super Star Series” which features blow-up dolls of famous Hollywood starlets like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Beyonce.

A convincing look-a-like model is used for the cover of the product – the front featuring her in the bedroom with a burger and fries while the back of the box has her posing nude with carefully placed tomatoes and lettuce – along with several dirty phrases.

The X-rated cover appears to be a play on the Carl’s Jr. commercials Kim did in which she seductively promoted their line of salads.

We might all win - If your idea of "winning" includes anally violating an oxygen-inflated lover that you can't help imagining being slathered in mayonnaise. Each of us has different dreams though, and that's what makes people like snowflakes. Or diseases. We're all unique!

I don't see myself buying an inflatable Kardashian. I think I'm just too dignified for that, and you, my international readership, expects better of me.

Besides, they make a Lohan! I wonder if it's "filthy", too. The stoned ones usually are.