Don't Mess With The Lohan!

Am I the only one that's starting to get the impression that Lindsay Lohan is a beautifully beknockered James Bond? Every time the villainous California judiciary gets into explaining the details of how she'll meet her end and its hands, she's already on the road and enjoying her sweet, sweet freedom. There's definitely a pattern developing here.

Just last night I thought that my faith had left me forever. I saw no way out for Lindsay this time. I thought that the forces of evil had at long last triumphed, and I mourned the death of everything that is good and right in the world. It was sad beyond words.

It also goes to show just how little I know. People - and I include myself in this - tend to forget that the Lohan has magical powers that protect her from the evil that envelops us all. She's like a hard-nippled Hammer of Justice that exists only to confound the malevolence of the world. We get so distracted by her magnificent mammaries that forget that sometimes.

Clearly her super powers include, but aren't limited to, getting judges so angry that they forget the law that they're supposed to be applying. That's pretty much what ended up happening yesterday. The sinister Judge Elden Fox, in a fit of pique, sent Lindsay to the pokey for a month without bail. That, as it happens, is illegal. The state of California guarantees the right to bail for defendants in misdemeanor cases, which probation violations in DUI cases decidedly are.

By nightfall, Lindsay's shyster was appealing Fox's ruling before Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Patricia Schnegg, who promptly reversed the order and restored the balance of the universe. I awoke to this news with what the Quakers call "peace at the center." All was right in the world again.

By no means was Judge Schnegg's order ideal. For instance, bail was set at $300,000 and Ms. Lohan has to wear that infernal SCRAM bracelet that I find so hot again. Moreover, her bail conditions stipulate that she's prohibited from "possessing any controlled substances, must refrain from drinking and must stay out of places where alcohol is primarily sold."

I would have given her a hug and a prize, probably an eight ball of blow. But that's just another argument for my passing the California bar and getting myself elected to the bench, isn't it? Besides, I look amazing in black. I'm a winter, you know.

As Rick James once said, "Cocaine is an amazing drug" and Lindsay proves it over and over again. As long as she's on it, there's just no foiling her! She's like a bisexual Road Runner with much nicer legs and a super tight little ass and the judiciary is Wile E. Coyote, forever doomed to be crushed by its own ACME anvil. I'm not proud of unfavorably comparing the courts to a cartoon, but in this case, I'm not exactly ashamed of it, either.

For a few hours yesterday, I had lost my faith in Truth, Justice and the American Way. And even from the Lynwood Correctional Facility for Women somewhere on the outskirts of Los Angeles, Lindsay was there for me still. That girl should be given a cape and have a federal holiday named after her.

There's a lesson here to be learned by us all: Don't mess with the Lohan!