Everything I Need To Know About Lindsay Lohan I Learned From The Nixon Tapes

It shouldn't surprise anyone who reads this blog regularly that Richard Milhous Nixon is my favorite president of my lifetime. He was probably the smartest, and far away the most interesting.

Even those of my readers most married to novels should pick up a good Nixon biography because that story has everything they could ever look for. The life of Nixon was positively Shakespearean. It's a pattern of a rise, a fall, a resurrection, a further fall and another resurrection that couldn't be more compelling. I haven't read over sixty books on Nixon and Watergate for no reason at all. Also, while that alone hasn't gotten me laid, it certainly hasn't hurt.

Nixon's life and presidency were certainly complex. A man who based his life on fighting communism also established relations with China and detente with the Soviet Union, both of which inarguably furthered the end of the Cold war. A politician whose bedrock, hard-nosed conservatism elevated him to the presidency also created the Environmental Protection Agency, expanded funding for PBS and made affirmative action the law of the land.

But as the late William Safire wrote in his memoir, Before the Fall: An Inside View of the Pre-Watergate White House, there will always be "those damned tapes."

Those damn tapes will forever cloud everything that Richard Nixon ever did.

The fact that Nixon was recorded telling H.R Haldeman and Charles Colson to "get the Jew cocksuckers" that funded both his political enemies and the presidential campaigns of Hubert Humphrey and George McGovern tend to overshadow the fact that Nixon appointed more Jews to higher positions than every president before him, including to the posts of chairman of the Federal Reserve and secretary of state. Despite his private rhetoric about the inferiority of "the negro", Nixon's Philadelphia plan brought more blacks and other minorities into the trades than most other presidents, before or since.

The tapes, while irrefutable evidence of a presidency run amok, they also tend to obscure the record of an otherwise fine admistration. Yes, there was obstruction of justice and conspiracy to commit to perjury in the Oval Office, but there were all kinds of other things going on, too. But those things tend to be forgotten in the sensationalism of presidential wrongdoing and the uttering of unwarranted and paranoid slurs. There's an overall record that can and should be reviewed by everyone. What you find might surprise you.

Those damned tapes pervert everything. From February 1971 to July 1973, Nixon created 3,700 hours of tapes. Unlike presidents Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Kennedy and Johnson,; Nixon had a voice-activated system that recorded everything, as opposed to what other presidents wanted recorded.

Imagine of you recorded everything you said over two-and-a-half years was recorded, and only the absolute worst things you said were released in dribs and drabs over four decades. I can't think that your reputation would hold a golden sheen, particularly fifteen years after you were too dead to defend it.

That's what I think is happening to Lindsay Lohan. Her reputation in history is being ruined before our our eyes because we just don't give a fuck what the facts are. And that's travesty of journalism generally and the blogosphere in particular.

While Lindsay have has admitted to a couple of unfortunate incidents of drunk-driving, she has never been convicted of cocaine possession, or even tested positive for it while under court-ordered monitoring. Any suggestion to the contrary is an outrageous lie.

Of course, La Lohan has been photographed with cocaine, or things that could be cocaine, any number of times. But that does nothing to prove that she's an abuser of the substance, especially since she lives in Hollywood, where the passage of cocaine is accepted as a common greeting of sorts.

My own belief is that is that Lindsay has taken just enough coke for a girl that age and is that fucking hot. If you're a 24 year old redhead with huge cans, I think you know what I mean. It just is it what it is. Moreover, it is what it should be. Young girls with big tits who haven't taken a lot of cocaine just haven't lived enough yet. And no man will likely ever love them.

But no one has ever thought about all the times that Lindsay hasn't been photographed with cocaine. And that's time after time after time after time, Goddamnit.

The unfair and unfounded allegations against Lindsay Lohan really distract from how spectacular her tits really are. They're huge and beautiful, in ways that the laws of both God and man demand.

Life is unfair enough, isn' it?