American Idol Gave Who What Now?

I'm actually pretty proud that I've never seen a single episode of American Idol. I practically put on a lab coat and invented wasting time, but whenever I feel like actively making myself stupid, I put on Fox News, instead. Watching American Idol to discover music is a lot like discovering your sexuality by slamming your genitals in a car door.

I'm also on the record as being a loud proponent of capitalism. Sure, I have my problems with it, but I would imagine that everyone that isn't Donald Trump does. But the fact is that there are few better ways of going from nowhere to the top in less time, based solely n your god-given talents and ability to fuck your way to the top, which is how I did it.

I became somewhat less enamoured with the system when the U.S government actually gave it the ability to print their own money in 1999 and they fucked it up, destroying the planet's economy in the process, two years ago today. When the rich went to the taxpayer to keep them in grey popoun and classy whores, I viewed them with the same suspicion that I view your average sex offender. There are just some things that you should only give people one chance on.

Those two topics, in a roundabout way, bring me to Jennifer Lopez, whose lack of talent at much of anything actually physically intimidates me. This is a woman, remember, who's greatest career was dropping Ben fucking Affleck to marry a guy who might have died in 1986.



Remember that? I know, I've tried forgetting it, too. It's horrifying, and regret getting in your personal space with it. But, like the Holocaust, some things should never be forgotten.

It also provides an important context to this story.

Kara DioGuardi out — Jennifer Lopez back in.

A month after the singer-actress’s initial deal with American Idol fell apart — thanks, in part, to demands that had gotten “out of hand,” according to a source — Lopez will after all be joining the judging panel for the show’s upcoming 10th season, sources tell PEOPLE.

Lopez’s $12 million contract, which was first reported by Deadline.com, comes two weeks after DioGuardi confirmed she was leaving the show, following in the footsteps of both Simon Cowell and new judge Ellen DeGeneres.

According to the report, Lopez was hoping for movie and TV development deals to accompany and even larger Idol salary as well as input about her new co-judges, but Fox made no commitments and she settled for a cool $12.

“She’s very excited,” a source close to Lopez says of the final deal.

You know what? I'd be fucking excited, too! Jennifer's last movie, The Back-Up Plan, opened to less favorable reviews and lower box office than your average snuff-movie, including gay ones. Oh, and she was dropped by Sony Music in an atmosphere where anyone who's willing to hum off-key for nickles can get signed to a multi-year, 360 deal.

Yes, that Jennifer Lopez is getting $12,000,000 a year to tell American Idol contestants how to be stars.

I don't like the fact that Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is going to be a judge as well, but I can understand it. Even though Aerosmith hasn't been fun or interesting in years, they are massively fucking successful to this day. Despite not putting out a bad album of original material in nine years, they do great concert business every year, including this one.

Tyler has survived in show business for forty fucking years. Lopez is hanging on by her fingernails after what, fifteen? But am I hearing about Steven Tyler signing a $12 million deal? No, actually, I'm not. Oh, and American Idol still exists.

American Idol has been shedding viewers like crabs for years, and Jennifer Lopez has neither a movie career that you average gay porno star doesn't, or a record deal. This is the entertainment equivalent of AIG saying, "Subprime mortages? Why not?"

Music is dead, capitalism is dangerously off course, and these are the signs that the Apocalypse of Western Civilization is well upon us.