Sofia Vergara Reflects, Is Awesome!

I've never seen Modern Family, so I only know who Sofia Vergara is through the numerous blogs that I read daily. But what I've learned might shock you. She makes my groin rumble and throb in ways that make me squeeze it back to its prior state of passivity, so I'm pretty sure that she should win the Nobel Peace Prize this year.

Giving Ms. Vergara the Peace Prize might seem to be a little much, but what did President Obama actively do anything to win it? Did he make me touch myself roughly and make me feel like a better man for having done so. No he did not. At least not in ways that I'm willing to talk about publicly. And that was more Axelrod than Obama, anyhow.

I've always been of the opinion that the Nobel Committee should establish a prize for women who make the front of my underpants messy, but they haven't. I suppose that's all right, given that I really don't need many more reasons to question the sexuality of your average Scandinavian.

But, Boy Howdy, just look at that body! It's perfect in ways that the English language is inadequate to describe. I'd resort to Italian, but the only Italian I know comes from Jersey Shore and Mob movies, so I'm pretty sure that I'd wind up looking like a jerk-off. While all of my other posts are devoted to the proposition of making me look like a jerk-off, this one isn't. This is a tribute to beauty and it's great big jugs in all of its glory.

Sofia's beauty is notable for the fact that it's been with us for so long. At 38, she's nearly as old as I am, which is far older than any woman should ever be. If my faith in science has been shaken by anything, it is that it hasn't figured out a way to keep broads, say, 26 forever. That a woman of Vergara's vintage makes me to do the things that I do to my own genitals causes me to question my own atheism. There may very well be a god, and He doesn't like me very much. Or my genitals

Another reason that I admire Sofia so profoundly and publicly is her self-awareness.

Sofia Vergara knows what she's got and isn't embarrassed to say so. The 'Modern Famiy' actress is aware that her assets include more than just great comedic timing and a sexy accent. Vergara knows her body, even more specifically, her breasts, have helped her in Hollywood. And she's cool with it.

"I'm grateful I have them, and honestly, they've helped me a lot in my career," she tells Self for its October issue. "And I've always felt sexy."

There are few things that enrage me more than sexpot actresses that ramble on endlessly about their "art." Those women are delusional enough to believe that if they more closely resembled Robert DiNero, they'd be as richly rewarded by Hollywood as he is. And that just ain't so. It's just refreshing to see someone honest enough to admit that 99% of their fantasy life is directly attributable to her fantastic funbags.

Of course, Sofia Vergara wouldn't be a woman if she didn't contradict herself in her very next sentence. I'm told that it's a genetic gift that comes with having a vagina that everyone wants to see and sniff.

But that wasn't always the case. Vergara tells the magazine when she was a teenager, she didn't like her body at all.

"I wanted surgery. I told my mom, 'As soon as I'm older, please take these boobs away.' She said, 'Sofia, shut up. When you're 18, it will be different.' 'I was like, 'Why would I want these huge t--s?' I'm a 34 DD. It's hard to dress. No matter what I wear, I look like a stripper," she said in an excerpt in PEOPLE.

Sofia's mother deserves every award that the democratic world has to offer, and maybe some that aren't. Youth comes with it a natural inability to know how the world really works. That's why we need wise parents to guide us and let us know that looking like a stripper with 34 DDs is exactly how a young woman should enter the world. That gives a girl an almost Darwinian advantage in life that all too many of them don't have, which explains why there's no real threat of global overpopulation.

I haven't worked out the science or anything, but I'm pretty sure that if every woman was Sofia Vergara, drugs like Viagra would be wholly unnecessary. Cancer survivors would just grow brand new prostates immediately after seeing them naked and resume their previous, carnally rewarding lives.

Hey, maybe I should get the Nobel Prize for Medicine!

On the other hand, she's just a little too modest for my tastes.

Overall, embracing her identity and understanding how her looks play into casting helped her stay afloat in the cutthroat world of Hollywood. "For every 100 roles that come out for another actress, there are two that fit somebody like me. I mean, I cannot play a scientist. I know who I am. I know how I look. I know how I sound. I'm not going to tell my agent, 'Book me for Schindler's List 2,'" Vergara concludes.

As anyone who saw the original Schindler's List knows, it just wasn't sexy enough, and a sequel would have to make up for that. It isn't entirely outside the realm of possibility that there were hot foreign girls with magnificent milkbags in the Third Reich. I mean, there was one on Hogan's Heroes and that's considered history, isn't it?

So not only is Ms. Vergara selling herself short, she's selling history itself short. I just wish that it wasn't too late for Sigrid Valdis to sit Sofia down for a long talk.

But these are just minor concerns in the grand scheme of things. I don't think it could be any more obvious that Sofia Vergara is the Greatest Living Human, not only for overcoming the adversity of her ridiculous teenage insecurities, but also for having what might just be the most amazing tits on the planet.

And that's why I'm going to start watching Modern Family, which starts its second season September 22 on ABC. It's "Must See TV" if ever such a thing existed!

Story ruthlessly stolen from Popeater.