Sesame Street is Bad for Children and Other Living Things

I spent my early childhood years preoccupied with the Watergate hearings and developing my long list of reasons to despise Sam Ervin, so I'm not very familiar with Sesame Street. However, I do have a niece and nephew and have had a few girlfriends with young children, so I know that it's supposed to teach you to spell and whatnot.

I'd like to take Sesame Street to task for that. You see, spelling isn't everything. Christ, it's not even one of the top five things that you should strive to better about yourself. Here's an example. I've read two or three of Bill O'Reilly's books, and the spelling was fucking impeccable. Just beautiful. But that doesn't mean that I learned anything from them or would recommend them to anyone that I wasn't angry at.

Things like spelling are highly overrated. Sure, it's nice to be able to pull it off, but it's hardly an essential feature to being a success in life. Looking good and having nice jugs, however, are. And I think that it's a modern tragedy that children won't be learning that from Katy Perry on Sesame Street.

Katy Perry's appearance on the long-running PBS children's show has been pulled after parents complained about the singer's cleavage-baring dress.

A clip leaked on the web this week (nearly a million people have viewed it on YouTube), showing Perry, 25, in a low-cut dress and veil, performing a kid-friendly version of her hit "Hot N Cold" with Elmo.

It was set to air later this year as part of the show's 41st season.

TMZ reports that parents quickly fired off angry letters, demanding it not to be broadcast. "They're gonna have to rename it cleavage avenue," complained one.

You know, that's not a bad idea. That's not a bad idea, at all. I wonder if that's been trademarked yet ...

There are only a few things I know about Katy Perry;

1. She has a cute face and just the most wonderful tits in music today.


2. She was raised by a Pentecostal family that often spoke in tongues. Those fucking people scare me.


3. She's only marginally talented, but made it big because of her luscious sweater puppies.


4. She's engaged to some incomprehensible, unfunny Limey asshole.


5. Did I mention her tits already?

There's a lot that kids can learn from Ms. Perry, such as the utility of having fantastic breasts. That's pretty powerful and it couldn't be more appropriate in an age of economic decay. Kids need to know that they're going to exploit every advantage they have just to avoid being cannibalized when they grow up and life looks like the set of Escape From New York. The sooner they know, the better off they'll be.

But they won't be learning any of it because of the cowardice of PBS and the fact that today's parents are insisting on raising a generation of social retards. And that's fine for the parents. They might be able to salvage just enough of their decimated 401(k) accounts to avoid the worst of the pending holocaust, but they're throwing their kids to the literal and figurative wolves.

Wow, I'm starting to sound like one of those Goldline commercials on Glenn Beck's show, aren't I?

I guess I just feel strongly about children not learning about the magical powers of great tits. My problem is that I'm just too passionate sometimes.

Maybe I can help. If you have young children, you should sit them down read them Postcards of the Hanging every night at bedtime. They'll learn everything they'll need to know right here. I hope to be known someday as "the Education Blogger."