Most of you don't know this about me, but I've always been an aspiring screenwriter. The reason you might not know that is that the studios are are conspiring against me, refusing to put any of my scripts into production. They usually say that there should never be a bukkake scene in a romantic comedy, and each of my scripts have about twelve. Haven't those idiots ever heard of an "emotional climax" before? No wonder Hollywood sucks so bad.Anyhow, my latest screenplay is about an up-and-coming actress that designers won't make clothes for, on account of her having such gigantically beautiful hooters. After so many years of designing for 12-year-old boys and heroin addicts, the actresses' rocking knockers confuse and frighten them because all designers are homosexuals.
But the actress has been facing down adversity all of her life and refuses to be defeated by the Velvet Mafia, 12-year-old boys and heroin addicts. So she makes all of her public appearances naked. This, shockingly, makes her an even bigger star since everyone loves a woman with huge cans and nipples the size of dessert trays. We also learn that she's completely waxed, except for a tiny crimson landing strip on her mons venus.
The actress triumphs, the designers suddenly sexually desire women, and we all learn an important lesson about the power of courage. Then the entire cast masturbates in her face.
It's called It Rubs the Lotion in Its Skin and it actually brought a tear to my agent's eye.
I'm convinced that my film would be the Greatest Story Ever Told, win multiple Oscars, and teach us all to love one another. Unfortunately, it'll never be made, so the planet will continue to be plagued by poverty, war and intolerance. And it'll all be Christina Hendricks' fault.
You see, girls with red hair, giant cans and big, fat asses are my muse. They always have been, actually. And no woman has redder hair, bigger tits and a more deliciously fat ass than Mad Men's Christina Hendrick's. No one else can play the lead in my movie, unless I made the character Hispanic and talked Salma Hayek into doing it, but I'm exceptionally lazy.
Ms. Hendricks has such a perfect body that it's almost impossible to notice that her head is about eleven percent too small for her body. But even that works, since the teeniness of her cranium would make the penises look bigger in the climatic bukkake scene. The script is nothing short of a love letter to her, and to do it without her giant jugs would be a desecration of my dream.
Tragically, Christina is categorically refusing to do nude scenes, and 100% of her role in It Rubs the Lotion in Its Skin would require her being as bare-assed as the day she was born. Oh, and to have about a dozen newly reformed homosexual designers jerk off in her face.
“Christina is riding the crest of a wave right now and the offers are flooding in,” says a source close to the star.
“She would love to do more movies and is in the process of considering projects to tie in with the show’s hiatus. She has noticed though that a good number of roles she’s being offered require her to go nude.
“Clearly everyone wants to see more of Christina but she doesn’t want to be over exposed in the wrong way.”
Clearly, Christina doesn't know what's she's talking about. Or she secretly hates art. Take your pick. Doesn't she know that full-frontal nudity is absolutely the best way of being over-exposed? Sasha Grey and Jenna Jameson became big stars that way, although I'm sure that their enthusiasm to rub the lotion in their skin had a lot to do with that, also.You know, this is hardly new. Artists like myself have been relentlessly confounded and persecuted throughout history by tyrants of every description. Imagine if Rubashov's executioner in Arthur Koestler's Darkness at Noon was a size 14 and a 38 DDD cup, and you'd have a pretty good idea how I'm feeling right now. I'm lonely without words, yet still overwhelmed by the need to beat off until the tendons in my right wrist snap, crackle and pop. It's sad beyond description, bur I'll persevere. I always do.
But this isn't only about me. Just mostly. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't deeply concerned about Christina's fate as well. Not only could It Rubs the Lotion in Its Skin make her the most revered actor in the history of the English speaking peoples, her refusal to get naked and be slathered with DNA might result in no man ever loving her. Nobody likes a cock-tease, as everybody knows.
Besides, a hearty helping of jizz keeps a woman's skin looking young. There's a reason that my last five girlfriends look like they're no older than seven. It's like there a time machine in my scrotum.
This is a horrible setback and I just don't know how my dream can ever recover from it. Why is it that the things we love the most are the things that end up destroying us, as Mr. Hands learned the hard way?
Why is there no justice - or, at the very least, art appreciation - in this world?
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