Ines Sainz is a Very Good Journalist

It's been said that the best writers have at one time or another been sports writers. I wouldn't know because I think that sports is the provenance of hyperactive homosexuals, unless those sports happen to be foxy boxing or throwing Christians to lions. Hemingway wrote beautifully about bullfighting, which - the outfits notwithstanding - doesn't seem like too queer a sport, so there might be something to the theory.

Not speaking Spanish, I couldn't tell you if former Miss Spain and current sports reporter for Mexico's TV Azteca, Ines Sainz, can write her own name. But just from looking at her, I can tell that she's the greatest journalist of all.

Her ass alone tells me that she's better than Woodward and Bernstein. Science shows us that having an ass like that means that you can excel at anything you want, if only because it makes your average human incapable of objectively judging your work, and Ms. Sainz has the perhaps greatest ass that Western Civilization has ever seen, let alone a profession as sexless and odd as journalism. Of course, I don't say that to hurt Mark Bourrie's feelings. His ass is a close second.

In fairness, Ines has an all-around spectacular body - more than enough to allow me to overlook the fact that her face looks like a catcher's mitt - but it's her dumper that truly speaks to me in a secret language that only I can understand. If a woman has nice enough buttocks, I'll be supportive of anything she wants to do, which goes a long way in explaining my feelings about Karla Homolka. And I'd go so far as to say that that I'd like to have my face surgically sewn between Ines Sainz's heavenly cheeks. Long story short, that's how I know that she should win the Pulitzer Prize.

Having said that, I'm having trouble understanding this story.

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan, assistant coach Dennis Thurman and some players are being investigated by the NFL for inappropriate behavior toward female sportscaster Ines Sainz at a practice Saturday.

While Sainz, a former Miss Spain and reporter for Mexico's TV Azteca, was working on a story about quarterback Mark Sanchez, she had footballs thrown in her direction by a Jets coach during practice. Players later called out to her in the team's locker room.

On Sunday, NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said that the league and the Jets began looking into the situation when they were made aware of it Saturday night.

The Jets released a statement about the incident, saying that they "will continue to work with the League to gather the facts and take any appropriate steps necessary to maintain a respectful environment for the media."

Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum called Joanne Gerstner, a board member of the Association for Women in Sports Media, on Sunday to discuss the matter. The two organizations were working to schedule an educational and awareness session with the team, according to Jets spokesman Bruce Speight.

Oh, come on, already. When you're a Jet, you're a Jet, you're a Jet! Everybody knows that, right? How many scenes was Maria shown sitting down in, anyhow? I'll bet not many, although I have to admit to not having seen West Side Story. While I'm at it, I may as well admit to never having sat on a fencepost for thirteen consecutive hours.

Football is one of those sports whose statistics include touchdowns, yards run, felony charges and jury acquittals. The sport's professionals have all become multi-millionaires for playing a child's game, and the coaches aren't much better. And everyone's expecting them to act like adults around a banging lil' booty like Ines Sainz's? Shit, I'm having a hard time doing that, and I'm four hundred miles away and not a professional child. Did everyone on the planet drop acid while I was napping again? I hate it when that happens.

Trust me, when you look and dress like Ms. Sainz, these things happen and the same thing probably would have at a Shriner's convention. At least she didn't lose her job for the Perfect Human, like she would have at Citibank.

Being as hot as Ines Sainz is carries with it the responsibility of being a professional. And that requires giggling, waving, and perhaps a nipple slip whenever a overly rewarded felon throws a football at your wonderful, extraordinary derriere or catcalls you.

Because, 'yknow, nobody said that journalism was easy. It is, but nobody likes to talk about it that much.

For a good look at the outfit that Ines was wearing on Saturday, check out Power Grid. You won't be disappointed.