Finger Lickin' Good: Why KFC is Brilliant

I wasted two years of my life studying advertising in college and while that didn't get me anything worthwhile, like an adult job, I sure did learn a lot about who the purchasing public is and how they think.

I extrapolated from that much of what I know about political communications, since the two aren't as different as you would think. Joe McGinness isn't the conservative movement's favorite boy lately, but he did write the seminal tone Selling Of The President, which detailed the triumph of modern advertising techniques in modern presidential politics. Knowing something about how it works comes in handy from time to time.

Here's the basic fact of life in advertising: If you're a woman, or anyone over the age of 54, you don't exist. Nobody cares what you think and no one ever will. This is because broads and old people are what is known as "brand loyal." They find a product that they like and they stick with it, come hell or high water. I tend to be uncommonly brand loyal for my demographic (male, age 35-54), but that's only because I'm in touch with my feminine side. Unsurprisingly, that's also why I eat pussy like a professional.

The only group that any advertiser on earth cares anything at all about is men aged 18-34. Those people tend to be incredibly reckless with their disposable income, spending it on anything that even slightly hints at the possibility of getting laid. If you ever wondered why the "typical housewife" in, say, a handi-vac commercial is really cute and has bigger than average tits, now you know. Young-to-middle-aged men are the most predictable creatures in all of Christendom.

The Artists Formerly Known as Kentucky Fried Chicken know this as well as I do, or at least their marketing department and ad agencies do. That goes a long way in explaining why they're using hot co-ed ass to sell chicken sammiches.

KFC wants folks to watch its backside.

Or, more precisely, the backsides of female college students it's recruiting to promote its hot new bunless Double Down sandwiches.

Women on college campuses are being paid $500 each to hand out coupons while wearing fitted sweatpants with "Double Down" in large letters across their rear ends

The promo comes as KFC is in the doldrums domestically. The world's largest chicken chain's U.S. same-store sales fell 7% in the second quarter. Nearly all its growth now is in international expansion.

Last week, the chain confessed that more than six in 10 Americans ages 18 to 25 — the chain's key demographic — couldn't identify who Colonel Sanders was in the KFC logo.

Now, it's turning to cute women parading around campus with "Double Down" emblazoned across their fannies.

It turns out that having a really old guy with a military rank for a first name is good marketing tool during peacetime or when America is fight popular wars. Otherwise, not so much. That's when you go with the tried and true standby of tits and ass.

There are a number of reasons to reasons to run this promotion on college campuses. If you happen to be one of my more unimaginative readers, I'll spell them out for you.

First, college-aged men fit the perfect demographic and tend to be the least brand loyal component of it.

Second, those guys are going to graduate with tens of thousands of dollars in debt and enter into a declining job market that promises them nothing but a lower standard of living than their parents enjoyed. A good percentage of them will be unemployed or underemployed for years, despite their fancy degrees. Introducing them to the concept of "comfort food" as a lifestyle choice is just smart marketing.

Third, everyone wants to fuck college girls. They're just younger, tighter, and better than almost any other kind, except strippers. Everybody knows that. How can a multinational corporation not exploit their hot little bodies for fun and profit? Frankly, I'm amazed they waited this long. Maybe it takes a total economic collapse to bring out the creativity in the corporate machine.

Of course, some people can think of nothing better to do than complain.

The nation's largest women's group doesn't like it one bit. "It's so obnoxious to once again be using women's bodies to sell fundamentally unhealthy products," says Terry O'Neill, president of the National Organization for Women. What's more, she says, KFC has forgotten something important: Women make more than half the decisions about what to eat for dinner.

(...)

The stunt hasn't reached Colorado State University — and senior public relations major Candace Carlucci hopes it never does. "It may be funny, but it's also inappropriate and degrading," she says. "There must be another way for KFC to get its message out."

Terry O'Neil and NOW should shut the fuck up and make me a steak. They've just proven to me that special interest groups exist only to provide upper-middle-class lifestyles to people who don't know how life works.

If KFC knows anything, it's that they aren't marketing to people who have women making their dinner decisions for them (for example, families) because they aren't going to be regular customers. Furthermore, any mother who would feed their kids Double Down sandwiches every night should be indicted for child endangerment. That shit'll kill you.

Young, single men know that, of course. They just don't care. They - by which I mean "I" - will see a tight, supple co-ed ass and their mouths will start watering. More than usual, I mean. And for chicken, too! If nothing else, the phrase "a fine piece of chicken" will return to what it was supposed to mean!

NOW has no idea what they're talking about and they never did. That's why they threw Bob Packwood under the bus and gave Bill Clinton a walk, despite the fact that Clinton signed a welfare reform bill that NOW feared would disproportionately hurt single women and children. So fuck them.

I'm more surprised by Candace Carlucci, whose fancy education should've taught her that capitalism is supposed to be inappropriate and degrading. That's why it's fun and practised the world over. Hasn't she learned anything from the fact that Glenn Beck has a career?

You know what the worst part of writing this post has been? Now I'm horny and hungry!