Lindsay Lohan Fails a Drug Test, Wins My Heart

Lindsay Lohan, as you know, is giant-jugged Jesus and the state of California are the Romans. There's just no end to the persecution that they're putting her through, and I'm just not sure how much more of it I can take. Christ was put on a cross and Lohan was forced to wear a SCRAM bracelet, which is pretty much the same thing, if you ask me.

Just because Lindsay had a couple of misunderstandings with tequila, an SUV and the Beverley Hills police department three years ago, I don't think any of us will ever be allowed to love again. I'm pretty sure that the bible has more than a few things to say about forgiveness, but I'm too hung-over to look them up. Whenever I feel like this, I'm afraid that the bible will burn my fingers.

Don't get me wrong, I'm strongly against things like drunk driving and carjacking. I'm just willing to look at these things from a different perspective if you're really hot. If there were any justice in the world, more people would be like me.

Look at what poor Lindsay has been through, just because she missed a bunch of alcohol awareness classes and a court appearance. First, she was thrown into jail for two weeks, then she was sent to rehab. Her diagnosis from the good folks at UCLA was as follows: "She really likes whisky and blow. No problem." That, my friends, is science talking! Are you just going to ignore science? Well, I'm not - particularly when a young girl with red hair and huge cans is involved. Some things are just too important to look away from.

Anyway, the demonic California judiciary continued Lindsay's probation through November and demands that she take regular drug tests because no one in the California judiciary knows how to have fun. Well, almost no one.

Yesterday news broke about Miss Lohan's most recent drug test. Good news! She passed, testing positive for cocaine! Oh, right. That's a bad thing. I keep forgetting that the world is made entirely of funhouse mirrors that distort reality and make positive things negative. My memory isn't what it should be the morning after drinking a case of Guinness and a couple of bottles of wine and vodka.

In an act of incredible personal courage, Lindsay confirmed the news on her Twitter account late last night, saying that;

Regrettably, I did in fact fail my most recent drug test and if I am asked, I am prepared to appear before judge Fox next week as a result.

Substance abuse is a disease, which unfortunately doesn’t go away over night. I am working hard to overcome it and am taking positive steps. I am testing every single day and doing what I must do to prevent any mishaps in the future.
This was certainly a setback for me but I am taking responsibility for my actions and I’m prepared to face the consequences.

I am so thankful for the support of my fans, loved ones and immediate family, who understand that i am trying hard, but also that I am a work in progress, just as anyone else.

I am keeping my faith, and I am hopeful….Thank you all!!!

There. Happy now?

I just don't know why we all can't overlook what you people insist on calling Lindsay's "setbacks" and concentrate on the important things, like her glorious, glorious rack? Don't you people have any compassion at all? Haven't any of you ever celebrated getting out of court-mandated rehab? It's really starting to seem like I'm the only one who understands what it's like to be a redhead with a gorgeous body.

Besides, it's not like she hit a baby with her car or anything. Oh. Right. She did. But nobody's asking if the baby deserved it, now are they? Those little bastards can be pretty mouthy when they want to be. And who can say that the infant wasn't suicidal and threw itself in front of Lindsay's car. That happens more than anyone wants to admit.

Is anyone giving Lindsay the benefit of the doubt that someone with her truly jaw-dropping cleavage should rightfully expect? Nope, I'm pretty much the only person that is. And it must hurt her as much as it hurts me. If I'm known on the Internet for anything, it's feeling the pain of everyone ... especially if everyone has spectacular hooters and likes cocaine and Chivas Regal.

Why, Oh Lord, why can't we just leave Lindsay to heal in the way that only that she can? Can't you see that she's in pain? Don't you know that cocaine is sometimes used as anesthetic during particularly problematic dental procedures? Hasn't anybody thought that maybe her teeth hurt?

I just hope that we can all join hands and remember Lindsay Lohan from a more innocent time, like last week, when she was photographed smoking topless (link NSFW.) That always makes me smile because I like to smoke naked and have pretty nipples, too. It's like we're soul mates!

Good God, how can anyone so mercilessly persecute with such beautiful jugs? What's become of us as a people?