The Presidential Whore

"If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they don't have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they're relatively rare. On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn't matter, you know. These things are very real. On the other hand, if combat means being on an Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships and their rockets, a female may be again dramatically better than a male who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes." - Speaker Newt Gingrich, January 7, 1995 

You know, there are few things as adorable as the idea that Newt Gingrich can be elected president of the United States. He's like the kid who's mother told him that he could be president when he was three and he's holding on to that illusion, some 64 years later.

Say what you will about Barack Obama, but he's young and his numbers are better than they have any business being. If he stays above 40% between now and the end of the year, Obama's a virtually lock for reelection. The idea that he's going to beaten by a refugee from the nineties is actually laughable. Worse, he's a refugee from the nineties that everyone has pretty much roundly hated since his last campaign, thirteen years ago.

People have very short memories and probably don't remember that Newt was very nearly toppled as Speaker by the House Republican conservatives, who included Steve Largent, Joe Scarborough and Mark Sanford. The effort failed, but only because of the duplicity of the incredibly sleazy Dick Armey.

Among Gingrich's perceived sins was what was thought to be the speaker's eagerness to compromise with the Clinton administration on matters of principle. There was also Newt's vexatious habit of opening his mouth and letting impossibly dumb things pop out. thereby destroying any Republican message for several days of news cycles. The most famous example of this was Gingrich saying - in public, mind you - that he shut down the government in 1995 because Bill Clinton made him sit in the back of Air Force One on the way to Yitzak Rabin's funeral.

Here's what you need to know about the current GOP: those Tea Party yahoos look at the Republican class of '94 and think that they're all screaming liberals and sellouts besides. If you think that Newt Gingrich is going to survive for 35 seconds in a primary run by those psychopaths, you're delusional.

Then there's Newt's political batting average to consider. I guess that '94 was a pretty impressive win. But if you credit Gingrich for that, how do you avoid blaming him for the debacle in '98? And that was a particularly galling loss.

The party in the White House hadn't gained seats in a sixth year congressional election since at least FDR's time. Clinton also had a little blowjob problem at the time that you might have heard about. After initially saying that he was going to leave the story alone, he suddenly changed his mind and wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. Newt went out of his way to make his the face of the Clinton impeachment, which was especially ballsy, given that he was banging the help at the time, too.

The GOP ended up losing five House seats in 1998 and Newt quit the speakership and resigned from Congress before his own caucus could throw him out on his rather full ass. From that point forward he's written books that nobody's read and been basically ignored by all but the least serious people, both inside and out of the conservative movement.

On the other hand, he does have the "family values" issue tied up. How could he not, being on his third one? Perhaps the single most priceless thing I've ever heard was Gingrich recently explaining his many infidelities. He actually said - I shit you not - that he was just so busy working for America that he frequently found himself inside a strange piece of ass. He can't really tell you how it happened, but he knows that it did and he wants you to know that Jesus has forgiven him for it ... although he had to change religions for that to happen.

Not only do I love pussy as much as the next guy, I love it a whole lot more. I've not only had my share of it, I've probably had yours, too. And you know what? I can't remember a single instance where an excess of patriotism has landed me balls-deep in another human being. Not one. And I'm a pretty patriotic guy, it's just hard to tell sometimes because I'm also so handsome. Oh, and Canadian. We tend not to be as demostrative about such things.

Even Chris Wallace, the otherwise friendly host of Fox News Sunday, had a hard time not laughing at Gingrich this morning.

As a practical matter, that's where the Gingrich campaign dies. Every minute that he has to spend talking about pussy from a decade and a half ago is a minute that he isn't talking about the present or the future. And if I know anything about politics, it's that everybody would rather talk to Newt about poontang than, say, Libya.

Frankly, Newt himself should prefer it that way, because his views on Libya are a fucking mess! The guy fundamentally reversed his "principled position" on Obama's intervention ... in just sixteen days. That's gotta be some kind of record in flip-flopping. Even Republican bloggers are calling horseshit on Newt, which they're loath to do to any other Michele Bachmann fetishist.

I wasn't surprised by the Libya triple- axle, but I've made Gingrichology a particular study of mine over the last twenty years.

For example, remember this?



That was Newt with America's Sweetheart, Nancy Pelosi, "demanding action" on "climate change" all the way back in 2007. However, that very year, he wrote and published Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less: A Handbook for Slashing Gas Prices and Solving Our Energy Crisis, which reasonable people could conclude is at least somewhat inconsistent with the goal of demanding action on climate change unless, of course, those demands include creating  more of it, which hardly seems like something Nancy Pelosi would agree with him about.

Newt the had to explain this away to the almost reptilian Republican base, which he did with an almost operatic display of contempt for their intelligence.

I completely understand why many of you would have questions about this, so I want to take this opportunity to explain my reasons. First of all, I want to be clear: I don't think that we have conclusive proof of global warming. And I don't think we have conclusive proof that humans are at the center of it.

But here's what we do know. There is an important debate going on right now over the right energy policy, the right environmental policy, and making sure we do the right things for our future and the future of our children and grandchildren. Conservatives are missing from this debate, and I think that's a mistake. When it comes to preserving our environment for future generations, we can't have a slogan of "Just yell no!"

I have a different view. I think it's important to be on the stage, to engage in the debate, and to communicate our position clearly. There is a big difference between left-wing environmentalism that wants higher taxes, bigger government., more bureaucracy, more regulation, more red tape, and more litigation and a Green Conservatism that wants to use science, technology, innovation, entrepreneurs, and prizes to find a way to creatively invent the kind of environmental future we all want to live in. Unless we start making the case for the latter, we're going to get the former. That's why I took part in the ad.

Now Noel Sheppard at NewsBusters might be a gullible child that doesn't speak English as even a third or fourth language, but I'm not.

If you watch the ad with Pelosi, you see Gingrich conceding the existence of global warming in his own goddamned words. He agrees that the country must take action to address it, even. Why then would you implore the country to "take action" against something that you now believe that there's "no conclusive proof" of, particularly as a conservative? Actually, I take that back, Gingrich also wanted America to take action against Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, and they didn't exist either.

I'm also not sure how you square "a Green Conservatism that wants to use science, technology, innovation, entrepreneurs, and prizes to find a way to creatively invent the kind of environmental future we all want to live in" with drilling here, drilling now and paying less, but whatever.

If you're a Republican primary voter, there's one thing that you need to reconcile yourself with: Newt Gingrich thinks you're an abject idiot. That's not to say that I don't, but I certainly wouldn't rub it in your face like he does. And I don't think that you're actually retarded - unless, y'know, you think Bachmann can be elected president of anything other than a MILF fantasy league.

The only reason that anyone is taking this douchebag seriously is because he runs a PAC that raises a shitload of money. But the Goddamned Liberal Media doesn't seem to have realized that his PAC raises money for candidates that aren't named Newt Gingrich or have his notably strange relationship with the conservative movement as it currently exists and the basic facts of life. I'd personally be amazed if Gingrich raises enough money to even face the caucuses in Iowa.

Newt is far and away the worst ideological whore in the current GOP field, which is saying a lot since it's currently is the home of Mitt Romney and, potentially, Rudy Giuliani.

And you know what? I'm okay with that. The Republicans need an election cycle where it blows the full-bore fucking crazy out of its system, sort of like 1964, but without the even-tempered philosophy of Barry Goldwater.  I've seen this movie before, and just as the reincarnation of Richard Nixon wouldn't have been possible without Lyndon Johnson's landslide, the GOP won't allow itself to nominate a functional adult like Mitch Daniels unless they overwhelmingly reelect Obama first.

Newt's hysterical horseshit might be the most entertaining of the current "serious" Republican candidates, but he's hardly alone in slinging it. When even a bland accountant like Tim Paulenty starts talking like Rambo, you know that something's afoot and that nothing good can come of it.

But the only way that Gingrich gets elected president is if John Edwards miraculously defeats Obama in the Democratic primaries. That, friends, would be a race worth watching. As things currently stand, 2012 won't be.

God help me, there's nothing I wouldn't give to hear Newt's anti-giraffe platform again.