Lindsay Lohan is Dressed for Success!

Some people might try to tell you that appearances aren't everything but ugly people say shit like that all the time. That's why you just shouldn't trust anyone who isn't gorgeous, like me. Appearances aren't, to paraphrase the late Red Sanders, everything, they're the only thing.

That's even more true when the Day of Judgement is near. Look at your average run-of-the-mill felony case. More exactly, look at the defendant. Chances are that he or she is some goddamned schmoe who dresses and grooms him or herself like prison would be a step up for them. And so to prison they usually go.

I've said before that Lindsay Lohan isn't just like Jesus, she's even better. Sure, both were persecuted by demonic forces for no other reason than who they are and because they both taught us to love each other, but Lindsay has a way better body than He did. You'd really think that the Prince of Peace would be a little more cut. He also dressed like a homeless guy, who goes a long way in understanding the crucifixion.

La Lohan knows this and acted accordingly for her appearance this morning at the LAX Airport Courthouse this morning. She was fashionably late for a hearing regarding the ridiculous felony theft case that I've tried so hard to ignore. There's really no need to discuss it because you might as well be debating the laws of physics. The security tape that the jewelery store has since sold to the Goddamned Liberal Media is clear about one thing: that the necklace in question say Lindsay's fantastic funbags and jumped around her neck to be closer to them. That's not a crime as much as it is nature at work.

But there's no way that the ghouls in the California "justice" system are going to recognize something as simple and innocent as nature. Oh no, they have to build a felony case around it, just like any Judas would. California sullies everything that touches it, justice foremost of all. The ideas of fairness and truth has been so twisted and defamed there that the locals break out into laughter and their merest mention.

That means that History's Greatest Heroine had to argue on her own behalf, like some common pervert on an indecent exposure beef would.

And you can't properly argue for yourself without maintaining a proper appearance. Thankfully for Lindsay, her appearance is also the most compelling proof there is for her almost metaphysical innocence. The defense here is as clear as can be: prove that Lindsay didn't steal the necklace, the necklace tried to steal Lindsay's tits.

I've studied law as a layman for several decades now and I can't see how that strategy can fail. By highlighting those giant jugs of justice in the tightest available leather , Lindsay puts forth her case in the most legally unmistakable way imaginable. Just look at how her nipples are hardening with confidence. A plea bargain? With those two-legged beasts in the DA's office? Fuck that noise, says our Lindsay.

In tarting herself up for Truth, Justice and the American Way, Lindsay Lohan teaches us another valuable lesson - if you don't dress for success, you can't help but fail.