Rihanna Is Better Than You Are

There are any number of beautiful women out there and I love you all, some more often than others. You're all fantastic and each of you has a special place in my pants. I'm just saying that Rihanna is better.

The evidence is pretty much incontrovertible at this point. Sure, you can try to beat it, but you'll just wind up looking like a flat-earther, a Birther, or nearly any other faction of the modern Republican party that you want to name. And you don't want to do that, do you? Of course you don't. You all know that you're the smartest blog audience on Al Gore's Internet and you should all be very proud of that.

Besides, just look at her! Even when she tries to ugly herself up by looking like Sideshow Bob, she's still one of the top five most beautiful women alive. Her face is as damn near perfect as they come. And her ass is even better! Jesus Christ and all the Dwarves in Disneyland, I could spend the rest of my life just thinking of new and increasingly sexy things to do with it.

The fact that Rolling Stone hasn't put her on the cover of every single issue in the last five years tells you pretty much all you need to know about the decline and fall of journalism. When editors decide to be that consciously dumb, the print media has no other option left to it but to wither and die.

Sadly, Rolling Stone spent far too much of its time with Rihanna getting her to talk about Chris Brown. There's really only one thing left to be said about that sad chapter of American history, that the judge should've sentenced him to being eaten alive by red ants in the fucking desert. The fact that he wasn't, combined with the ongoing persecution of Lindsay Lohan, is why the entire state of California should be destroyed. And you know what? Everybody already knows that.

Thankfully, the article isn't a complete waste of time. It does finally get around to the things that inquiring minds need to know, specifically;

Rihanna's hit single "S&M" is semi-autobiographical. "Being submissive in the bedroom is really fun," she says. "You get to be a little lady, to have somebody be macho and in charge of your shit. That's fun to me...I like to be spanked. Being tied up is fun. I like to keep it spontaneous. Sometimes whips and chains can be overly planned – you gotta stop, get the whip from the drawer downstairs. I'd rather have him use his hands."

Exactly. I couldn't have said it better myself, and I'm probably the most sexually eloquent man I know.

So yes, Rihanna is better than you are. The sooner you accept it, the better you'll all be as people. Aren't you all amazed that I'm not the world's leading self-help guru already? Maybe I should write a book.




Rihanna - S&M by UniversalMusicGroup