As a misanthrope, I really don't understand racism. Actually, that's not true. I understand it, I just think that it's the height of intellectual laziness. Hating someone on the basis of the race, religion, gender or who they fuck just shows that you're not motivated enough to get to know somebody well enough to loathe them on a truly personal, individual basis. I'm 41 years old. I've hated a lot of people for a long time. My contempt is precious to me and I don't like to waste it on life's trivialities.
On the other hand, I try not to leave the house unless getting laid is a virtual certainty. I also haven't been in a library since I was in college, twenty years ago. I have more than enough books to keep me occupied and I have Al Gore's fabled interwebs. They keep me company and inspire some of the most frenzied onanism you could ever hope to see.
Which, in a roundabout way, brings me to Alexandra Wallace. Apparently, she's a political science major at UCLA - two well-known symptoms of being an idiot - and has a titanic hard on for Asians. So she did what modern man is currently most famous for ... she put her thoughts on YouTube.
Having heard that Miss Wallace's video caused quite the brouhaha this week, I tried watching it. I really did. But other than noticing that she did a reasonable Rush Limbaugh impression, I sort of zoned out after about three seconds.
This is because Allie is a really cute blonde with big fake tits. I've had girls like that threaten to kill me and I did nothing more than nod and smile. It might be hypnosis, the dull throbbing in my crotch, or some twisted and wrong combination of the two. If you're a really cute blonde with big fake tits, I probably won't notice anything other than that you're a really cute blonde with big fake tits. The racism escaped me, but so did practically everything else. Except the Limbaugh impression. No one should do that.
To be fair to myself, I'm like that a lot with pretty girls. When Brampton MP Ruby Dhalla was accused of running a human slavery ring out of her mom's basement, I defended her because she's really hot. And I should point out that things like organized human slavery usually upsets me quite a bit. I might just be a really shallow fellow. I try not to be, but the evidence that I'm failing is pretty irrefutable at this point.
But there is a bright side to all this unpleasantness. I managed to learn something from Miss Wallace even though I didn't really hear a word that she said. I abhor racism because it's lazy. But if you absolutely insist on being a racist, like everybody tells me Alexandra is, try to be a really cute blonde with big fake tits. Then I won't notice. And when I don't notice stuff, that's when the healing can begin.
Come to think of it, if everyone were just a little more like me, we'd be better off as people.
Video furiously stolen from Five Feet of Fury
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