Who's Cryer Now?

I'm a pretty funny fellow. Therefore, a number of people over the years have told me that I should try my hand at stand-up comedy. You'll likely have noticed that I haven't.

This is because comedy is really, really hard. If I sat down for a month and concentrated on nothing else, I could probably write five really funny minutes of material, maybe ten if I'm really inspired. You should also know that I'm a really tough judge of comedy. I don't easily laugh at stand-ups. That, combined with my hating myself as I do, being the case, my standard of really funny is likely quite a bit higher than yours is.

So, you know what? Five or ten minutes is something I could be proud of. Try talking to yourself (which is basically what stand-up is) while looking at a stopwatch. Now don't stop for five whole minutes. You'll probably noticed that you ran out of things to say, and you weren't even trying to amuse a paying, drunken audience.

Could I write an hour's worth of laugh-out-loud funny stuff, and more importantly, write a brand new hour of it every six months, while constantly touring dive comedy clubs? Fuck no!

Comedians are the smartest, most disciplined people in the entertainment business. Most musicians make a very good living playing the same 22 songs every night for years. Comedians are, with some exceptions, precluded some doing "greatest hits." And actors read from a script a couple of times a year. If you've ever wondered why comics do shitty movies and horrible TV shows as soon as they possibly can, now you know. It's much easier work and the pay is far better, which is pretty much all you need to know about what happened to, say, Eddie Murphy.

If I know that I can't do an hour-long monologue, I don't know why Charlie Sheen thought he could. Actually, I do. Cocaine, and lots of it. I also haven't haven't spent the last four decades with the world kissing my ass and apparently telling me that I'm a friggin' warlock.

Shit, he's not even that entertaining with the material that other people write for him. Remember also that he only had the dopey fucking idea of doing this tour of his about three weeks ago, when Warner Brothers shitcanned him from his hack sitcom. A guy with absolutely no background in comedy, writing or even performing without a script was going to come up with 60 to 90 minutes of material in three weeks.

Well, opening night went about as well as you would have expected.

Charlie Sheen and his “goddesses” took the stage to thunderous applause Saturday night for the first leg of his “Torpedo of Truth” tour. The 70-minute show hadn't even ended when the first reviews were in, and they were brutal.

The former Two and a Half Men star showed that comedic success on the screen doesn't necessarily translate to the stage, and the capacity crowd at Detroit's 5,100-seat Fox Theatre rebelled before the show ended, chanting “refund!” and walking out in droves.

Linda Fugate, 47, of the Detroit suburb of Lincoln Park, left the theatre and walked up the street yelling, “I want my money back!”

She said she paid $150 for two seats.

“I was hoping for something. I didn't think it would be this bad.”

Linda Fugate is obviously an idiot. What the fuck is she expecting from a guy who can't sing, can't dance, can't write or tell a joke, and - to his credit - doesn't even pretend that he can?

Charlie's been on a cocaine and pussy fuelled psychic break for the last few months. People want to see that up close, which is cool, but they shouldn't expect a goddamned professional production out of it. Was Ms. Fugate really expecting Sheen's paranoid hallucinations to do a dance number?

Anyone who wants their money back should be punched directly in the fucking head. They got exactly what any thinking person would have paid for - a giant public failure. Was anyone really expecting anything different? Really?

On the other hand, the "Goddesses", and Bree Olson (Who now goes by her birth name, Rachel Marie Oberlin) in particular, could have been better utilized. She has an adorable face, the most spectacular body on earth, and I've seen her take things so enormous in her ass that it practically defies the laws of physics. The fact that she hasn't been sainted yet should tell you everything you need to know about the Catholic Church. And Sheen, like a pituitary retard, had her holding a fucking sign.

As I mentioned earlier, Charlie Sheen is an actor, and actors are the most useless people in the world. Despite what you might think, Tom Cruise didn't really save the world all those times. He only pretended to. And Charlie's not even that obnoxious uncle you've seen on TV, although his actual life - which includes shooting John Travolta's wife, threatening to kill his own wives, terrorizing porno sluts, and ingesting heroic quantities of blow - is more than a little entertaining. At least if you're not Kelly Preston, his wife or a porno slut. But if you're his dealer, it must be a scream!

It stuns me that mainstream Hollywood actually looks down on porn stars. Being almost 60 years old, Bruce Willis probably couldn't kick an infant's ass without a team of choreographers, a stunt double, and the kids from CGI to help him; but Bree Olson really has taken a 10-inch cock all the way down her throat. I've seen her do it and everything! That touches me in ways that Bruce Willis never could, unless he had a team of choreographers, a stunt double, and the kids from CGI to help him. She was doing all manner of great things in her films, but pretending wasn't one of them. And that's why I want to marry her. Most women have trouble with my width. But enough about me ....

I think everybody should know who the real talent was on that stage in Detroit last night. And she was barely used at all.

But, as Charlie said last night, “I've already got your money, dude.” In the end, he really is Winning.



Postscript: Look, I don't expect this debacle to last more than two or three more nights, let alone make the two scheduled shows at Massey Hall in Toronto on the fourteenth and fifteenth, and I wouldn't pay 125 bucks for it if it does. But I do want to see it, if only because it would be funny to write about and the election is boring me already.  

So if you were crazy enough to buy tickets and are now afraid of what's sure to be a spectacular car accident, I'll do you a favour and take the tickets off of your hands, free of charge, with the promise that I'll write the most balls-out great review of it in human history. I tried pestering CITY-TV's Melissa Grelo to hook me up last night on Twitter but she wound up ignoring me. Gorgeous girls like her do that a lot. I can't begin to understand why, seeing how I'm such a "people person," and all.

If you want to unburden yourself of all of that nastiness, feel free to get in touch with me at skippystalinATgmail.com.