And the winner is ... Gilles Duceppe?

I know that about a week and a half ago I wrote that political debates are the biggest waste of time in the world for anyone who knows anything about anything, but they sure are fun to watch. The worst television usually is. So I couldn't help but to watch tonight's English language Leader's debate. 

And it wasn't just a waste of time, it was a colossal waste of time. It was the most predictable thing I've ever seen, and I've been watching these friggin' things for nearly thirty years.

What actually surprised me is who the "winner" was: Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe. The man is a traitor, a Marxist, and he sounds funny ... although not as funny as the lamented Stephane Dion did two years and a half years ago. He's not even running candidates outside of Quebec. His only reason for participating in the English debates at all was to speak to a few hundred thousand people on the island of Montreal that are never going to vote for him anyway.

But he did what he was supposed to do - and what Messers Ignatieff and Layton pointedly failed to do - pin Stephen Harper to the fucking wall. This election is about one thing and one thing only, should Harper get another minority or a majority. While Monsieur Duceppe didn't score a knockout against the prime minister, he was the only one who pushed hard against him and made him look consistently uncomfortable. Okay, that's not really fair. Harper always looks uncomfortable, but that's because he's a murderous cyborg and human emotions don't compute with him.

Harper only had to do one thing tonight, press the coalition argument and he only barely did it. Yes, Ignatieff once again renounced a potential coalition and the PM even managed to fuck that up. He should have pressed on an "accord," which is going to be the natural fallback Liberal position. That opportunity is now lost to him, probably forever, since a grand total of no one is going to watch the French debate.

While I get that "indignant prick" is Stephen Harper's default setting, I don't see how he scored any points about incessantly whining about "this unnecessary election" and "bickering." You're in one and that's what politicians do during them. Toughen up, Sugar Tits. Whenever Harper started going down that path again and again, I found myself wondering why he always looks like he's wearing lipstick. And that's not me being a snarky bastard, he really does. Check the tape. Otherwise, he pretended to be Blue Sweater Steve without the blue sweater.

For a guy who spent much of his thirty-four years out of the country as a TV host or guest, Michael Ignatieff could hardly get through a sentence without sounding like he was having a stroke. There were unnatural pauses all over the place and if anyone on that stage should have been stumbling over words, you wouldn't have thought that it would be the Harvard professor.

Ignatieff also lost on substance. Instead of presenting a credible governing alternative, Ignatieff simply held his fantasy platform against Harper's wishful thinking budget. I counted no fewer than three ways that he's planning to spend the same $6 billion. Given the headlines from the last two days, you would have thought that Iggy would slam the Tories for allegedly using G8 money to feather Tony Clement's nest, but the only Cabinet members mentioned by name were Jason Kenney and Bev Oda. Problematically, only sexless geeks actually know who they are. There is a reason that we're legally obligated to call it the Harper Government.

Ignatieff also made at least two majestic fuck-ups. First he quoted Mao Zedong twice, which is never wise when you're trying to make a point about democracy. Then when Layton called him on the long history of broken promises, Iggy responded by saying "At least we get into government," which is tantamount to admitting to everyone that it pays to lie in politics. I mean, it does and everything, but who in the fuck actually says that? Ignatieff was a walking disaster.

Jack Layton was, well, he was Jack Layton. And that's hardly enough. He's a nice enough man, but his entire political career looks like the bad guys won in any given Jimmy Stewart movie.

So I'll give this debate, as much as means anything, to Gilles Duceppe. Actually, I take that back. It means quite a bit. Our politics are so pathetic and broken that the only halfway decent performance in the English debate came from the only leader who wasn't raised speaking English and isn't running candidates in English Canada.

And that says more than I ever could.