Krista Erickson will do: Thoughts on Sun News Network

I've written about my complicated love-hate relationship with cable news several times now. I hate it because it's not only stupid, but actually goes so far as to glorify stupidity. On the other hand, I also love it because it's stupid and glorifies stupidity.

I also don't have a problem with opinion journalism. In fact, some of my favorite writers, including George Will, David Frum, P.J O'Rourke and Matt Tiabbi, are all very opinionated. But what they have in common is that they're all smarter than I am. That's not the case on cable news, where I'm being told what to think by people who don't know half as much about the issues as I do. That's more than a little grating. The worst thing about it is that I'm not all that bright. I'm three-quarters retarded and have been carried through life by my elephantine genitals.

Luckily, I really enjoy being angry. I can't begin to tell you how many of my girlfriends I've alienated by yelling at the television when some talking head says something demonstrably wrong or just stupid, which happens to be one of my favorite past times. I'm a cable news junkie not because I actually learn anything from it, but because I'm a blowhard who's in love with his own indignation. Cable news gives voice to that indignation in ways that nothing else does.

I bring this up because the Sun News Network began broadcasting this afternoon, and I love a good car accident as much as the next guy. Sun News, in it's first fifteen minutes, used all of the buzzwords that are almost guaranteed to make me crazy. "Populist," "controversial," "challenging political correctness," and, God help us all, "street." You know what? Look at the goddamned AP wire and tell me what it says. That shouldn't be any of those things. And for Christ's sake, please don't pretend that you're "on my side" or "looking out for me," okay? Such self-descriptions don't tell me that you're not going to be annoyingly idiotic, just a different kind of annoyingly idiotic than the rest of the "lamestream media."

Having said that, if you absolutely must insult my intelligence, I'd prefer that you be exceptionally hot as you do so. As a general rule, I tend not to be very offended by ignorance when it causes me to squeeze my own crotch until my fucking knuckles turn white. And that's where Sun News Network excels. The network launched at 4:30 eastern with a "pre-game show" hosted by Krista Erickson. That half hour consisted of her introducing me to a room full of people that I had never heard of before.

Miss Erickson, the host of something called Canada Live, which looks and sounds an awful lot like Megyn Kelly's show on Fox News, got off on the wrong foot with me by not kissing the hostess of First Look, former Miss Canada, Neelam Verma. In fairness, Krista is really cute, has a banging little body and her show could be a huge hit if she spends her daily two hours in a bikini and bouncing quarters off of her ass.

That might sound terribly sexist, I know. But I'd defend myself by pointing out two things; First, it's true. Second, I'm not the one who made her today's Sunshine Girl, which is usually an homage to vapid bikini chicks that I'd like to sexually defile. Quebecor, which owns Sun News, did that.

Everybody at Sun News has two particularly big chips on their collective shoulder, the CBC and the "Fox News North" designation by their critics.

The problem is that all cable news networks operate from a basic template that Fox News created and perfected, "news" (or something news-like) during the day and poorly-informed opinion programming in the evening, all of which are melted in a giant pot of narrative. However, there's no indication that Sun News will devote their weekend programming to the prison experience, as MSNBC has already pretty much cornered that particular market.

SNN didn't help itself when Ezra Levant (who, in the interest of full disclosure, has been very nice to me in the past) began his debut show by refuting the Fox News North meme ... using Bill O'Reilly's Talking Points Memo format. Somebody named Theo Caldwell later referred to Toronto Sun editor Mark Bonokowski as "Poppa Bear" at least three times.

As for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, the in-house name of which at SNN seems to be "the State Broadcaster," the correct course of action should be to ignore them completely. If the Mothership's ratings are any indication, everybody else in the country is.  But like Fox News' relationship with MSNBC, Sun News Network is aching to have an institutional enemy. The predictability of that makes it entertaining. Problematically, the news isn't supposed to be predictable. But since journalism has become professional wrestling, it is. And that's why I love it so.

You know what? If I'm not careful, I'm gonna be addicted to this soon.