Everybody hates Helena

When Helena Guergis was unceremoniously booted from Stephen Harper's Cabinet and the Conservative caucus a year ago this week, it seemed pretty bad. But, several sentences later, when the prime minister revealed that the RCMP had been called in to investigate the matter, I knew it would be a sexy, sexy scandal. I'm not sure why I thought that, really. I guess a lot of it had to do with the way Harper kept licking his lips and winking at the camera.

I'm not going to lie to you folks, I was pretty excited about that. I have a thing for cute girls who engage in scandalous behaviour. And it's not always just about my penis! I think it's admirable when girls out-stupid the boys, instead of just thinking that they could if they weren't so goddamn dignified. And Ms. Guergis isn't just a cute girl. For a politician, she's downright hawt!

But Harper is a major-league tool. I think it mostly comes from the fact that he has no soul and sometimes murders children in the middle of the night just to feel anything at all. So he wouldn't tell us exactly what the allegations against the former Minister of State for the Status of Women actually were. That lead reasonable people like me to conclude that they must have been awfully sexy, indeed. And when the RCMP didn't leak them fifteen seconds later, that reinforced my belief.

And you know what? They were indeed sexy!

CBC News has learned that the "serious allegations" Prime Minister Stephen Harper referred to last year in connection with former Conservative MP Helena Guergis included unsubstantiated claims of fraud, extortion and involvement with prostitutes.

(...)

Hamilton raised allegations of "Jaffer and Guergis on tape, partying with hookers and doing cocaine" and that "not only does Helena tolerate Jaffer hanging out with, with escorts, and prostitutes, but there's apparently video of her snorting cocaine off the breasts of a prostitute."

You know, if I said that I wasn't fully erect reading that, I'd be lying.

But there was a small flaw with the allegations against Guergis ... they were unmitigated horseshit. I'm  amazed that it took the Mounties longer than 10 minutes to figure that out, but the Mounties have a long and storied history of incompetence. The story came from a private eye*, and the Tories, having sworn to be the most ethical government in all of Canadian (yet failing spectacularly at it), fucking bought it hook line and sinker. Or they at least pretended to.

So they shitcanned her and sent her cute little ass off to sit as an Independent. Even when she was cleared, not only would Harper not let her return to caucus, he wouldn't tell her what the discounted allegations even were.

Well, Helena Guergis - currently running as an "Independent Conservative," whatever that is, in Simcoe-Grey - is pissed. And still good at crying.

Michael Ignatieff and Jack Layton, smelling blood, are all over this. Both have pointed out that Harper kept Bruce Carson, celebrated across Canada for his bankruptcies, multiple fraud convictions, illegal lobbying, and an almost poetically epic love for whores, close to his bosom with a top-secret security clearance, while Helena was thrown under the nearest bus and run over with it repeatedly. And you know what? They aren't wrong. There are also two Conservative senators that have been charged with electoral fraud in the "In and Out" scandal that are still in caucus.

Fuck Stephen Harper and fuck the Conservative Party. They need to get humiliated some, and although Ignatieff doesn't have the parts to do it, Helena Guergis does. And that's why she needs to win in Simcoe-Grey. She's in a helluva better position to beat the Tories there than the Liberals ever will be, and if they can't win that seat, a majority becomes several degrees harder for Harper to pull off. If they lose to an Independent that they themselves worked so hard to discredit, they're fucked.

Even though she hasn't explicitly promised that she won't return to the Conservative caucus if invited, Helena Guergis is the only candidate  that I intend to endorse in this categorically useless and fundamentally retarded election.

I encourage all of my Canadian readers to throw Ms. Guergis a few bucks, which you can do here (PDF link.) If, like me, you want to see those smug assholes get castrated like wild dogs in Simcoe-Grey, you should give her even more money.

“The damage is real,” she said, breaking down in tears. “It is deep and it is permanent.”

And it doesn't have to be. You folks are in a position to give her a small measure of revenge.


*Note: I just found this out, and think that it's hilarious, but it turns out that I used to work for the PI that passed the Guergis allegations onto the Tories. I never met the man, having resigned  years before the company's bankruptcy and had nothing to do with anyone there afterward. Obviously, that connection hasn't coloured my opinions on the story in any way but it's something that I felt I should probably disclose myself.

This only came to my attention when doing some research a few minutes ago. Pretty hilarious, huh?