Scientifically Proven: Porn Stars are Better Than You Are!

I believe in the power of science to resolve almost all of life's little controversies. It really is rather remarkable and tends to confirm things that I already believe, anyway. Like anyone else, I'm given to putting more weight to things that confirm my existing biases. And if you assert that you don't do that, you're probably proving that you do.

The only difference between me and most of humanity is that I generally don't believe crazy or unprovable things, hence my aversion to religion. If you ever wondered what made me so friggin' sexy, now you know. Of course, I also have enormous genitals and the tongue of an anteater, but I don't like talking about that very much. I'm pretty shy, when you get right down to it.

For the better part of my life, I've been arguing on behalf of porn stars. One instance of this stands out more than others.

I used to work with a really cute girl who had a cousin visiting from Italy. Not only was the cousin super-hot and had among the most bangin' bodies I've ever seen, she didn't speak a word of English! If you have a penis, or love someone that does, you know that's pretty hard to beat.

So I did what I usually do when confronted with such beauty; I talked about my love of porn for upwards of an hour. It wasn't as difficult as you would think, since my co-worker was translating.

The cousin disagreed with me when I said that not only were porn stars not damaged as humans, they were actually better than everybody else, and that as we evolve as a species, we'll probably be more like them, rather than less.

"They're sluts! Whores!" came the translation.

Of course, this wouldn't do. It wouldn't do at all.

"No," I replied as forcefully as I could without getting violent. "They are beautiful women! No, fuck that. They're angels - secular saints, even -  doing the work of the Lord! They're out there on a bed, doing the hard work of taking all that cock so you don't have to! Just as Jesus died for your sins, they fuck for mine and I won't tolerate this kind of superstitious blasphemy!"

For whatever reason, this wasn't translated and the rest of the evening was sort of awkward. But I still knew that I had made my point in way that everyone understood.

That was a decade ago, but as it usually does, science has again proven me right!

A new study has put to bed the perception that female porn stars have low self-esteem and are less psychologically healthy compared with other women.

The study, which was published in the Journal of Sex Research, said it found no evidence to support the "damaged goods hypothesis" that actresses involved in the porn industry come from desperate backgrounds. Rather, the researchers found the women have higher self-esteem, a better quality of life and body image, and are more positive, with greater levels of spirituality.

The study was conducted by researchers at Pennsylvania's Shippensburg University, Texas Woman’s University and the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation 

See? I fucking told you so!

It just stands to reason that if you're getting paid tons of money to be seen naked and fucking that you would "have higher self-esteem, a better quality of life and body image, and are more positive." I can't see how any rational person could argue to the contrary, but shitheads argue all many of silly things.

And "spirituality" is something that I think that science should steer as clear from as possible, but this isn't my study, now is it?

The way I see it, you judge how spiritual someone is by how demonstrative they are. By almost any measure, the most spiritual folks are southern black Baptists, who scream, sing and call out to both Jesus and God with little or no prompting. They also tend to have the coolest music, but that isn't really relevant here.

When do white Evangelicals cry out to Jesus? When the snake bites them, at which point, it's usually too late.

I've watched any number of the great and good Bree Olson's fine fuck films (before Charlie Sheen ruined it for the rest of us) and found that she cried out to God and Jesus with some frequency and forcefulness. Now it might be that having your rectum impaled with a huge honker does that, but it's equally possible that the Artist Formerly Known as Rachel Marie Oberlin is just closer to Him than the rest of us.

Having said that, I know that a giant wang will make a girl cry out to her Deity but, as I said before, I'm sorta shy.

But what about the negative stereotypes of the women that that smoking hot Italian girl dismissively referred to as "sluts" and "whores" a decade ago? Aren't they impoverished junkies with "Daddy complexes" and famous penchant for self-destruction?

Not really, as it happens.

"Some descriptions of actresses in pornography have included attributes such as drug addiction, homelessness, poverty, desperation and being victims of sexual abuse," the report said. "Some have made extreme assertions, such as claiming that all women in pornography were sexually abused as children.

"Stereotypes of those involved in adult entertainment have been used to support or condemn the industry and to justify political views on pornography, although the actual characteristics of actresses are unknown because no study on this group of women has been conducted."

Long story short, we don't know if the shit-talking of these Golden Creatures is true because nobody has ever bothered to study it in a meaningful way. Is it true in some cases? Almost certainly. The anecdotal evidence bears that out.

What we don't know is whether it's just as true of any other sample of professional females. For all anyone knows, women in accounting or architecture could be equally (or more) likely to have been sexually victimized or prone to substance abuse.

The fact of the matter is that we just don't know. Absent demonstrable harm, it is the duty of every good capitalist to support and sustain the power of the market. And I'm nothing if not a good capitalist.

Not only is that good economics, it's just good science, people!