"A willing patsy." "Another elisa, programmed by it's masters to parrot the gameplan." "Wingnuthead." "Mongrel."Those were just some of the things I was called in the comments of one post at one blog for making the entirely predictable observation that the GOP was going to get their asses handed to them last night. And my longer-term readers will know that I've been making the same prediction for years now.
Were I not so lazy, I'd go through my archives and those of other blogs I frequent and do a full round-up of the more amusing invective directed my way for my speaking what has turned out to be prophecy. And yes, I actually am calling myself a prophet! I rather like the sound of it, and prophets have an impressive record of getting themselves laid. And so too shall I. The poontang will fall upon me from the sky, begging for my attention and redemption. I am indestructible this morning. Verily, I am golden God!
Yet I remain humble.
Of the 49 states that have so far been called (Florida, being Florida, remains undecided and should very properly be vaporized by the Strategic Air Command) I correctly called 47 of them. And I said that there was a very strong possibility that the other two would go the other way. I've been saying for months that the polls were generally right and, go figure, they were. I said that the Republicans would blow another shot at a perfectly good Senate takeover and fail to move the needle in the House.
On the other hand, I'm not bragging. I'm just demanding my due, which is that everyone who shit-talked me as ignorant, insane or both give me blowjobs. Slow, loving blowjobs. And I don't want to hear about how tired your jaw is getting, either. Like Mel Gibson before me, I deserve it! I demand satisfaction. Other than that, I'm pretty magnanimous in victory.
Look, when I put something out there, I'm not just pulling it out of my ass, even in the rare circumstance that I happen to be wrong. I do think these through and have reasons behind the predictions that I make, which I'm not exactly shy about sharing. I've been studying this nonsense, to the exclusion of almost everything else, for thirty years now.
I thought about being less of a prick about this, but then I remembered how much fun some folks have throwing my rare mistakes in my face. Rob Ford's victory comes to mind.
I couldn't resist the temptation of watching the returns on Fox News last night. Witnessing the smug narrative of whorish and wrong blowhards like Karl Rove and Dick Morris being viciously deflated in real time was just too alluring for me. If I thought things were going to go the other way, I would have watched MSNBC. Nothing nourishes me quite like the tears of my enemies, and I view almost everybody in cable news as my personal enemy. Liberal or conservative, I don't care, If you're on TV, there's a better than even chance than I'm smarter than you are.
As soon as what was happening became clear, you see the panic in their little animal eyes. I swear to God, if I wasn't relaxing with a canister of ether, I would've been as hard as a fucking rock. It was almost as if they understood that the silly notion of a loving god had been exposed for the fantasy that it is to them and that they would receive exactly the same mercy that they would show if they were on the other end of the sword.
When Fox called Ohio for the President, Rove almost systematically burned down the network from the inside, refusing to recognize the validity (to say nothing of the math) behind the decision. That resulted in 90 minutes of balls-out fucking chaos. In those 90 minutes, we learned that Megyn Kelly can talk live to someone in Benghazi, but can't hear Brett Baier from across the goddamned hall. It was a beautiful thing to witness.
Fox's ethical standards being what they are, they rarely (if ever) mentioned through the campaign that Rove runs a partisan Super PAC called Crossroads GPS that had invested hundreds of millions of dollars in beating Obama. Therefore, Fox let him waste an hour and a half of their time and endless reservoirs of credibility because he was afraid his zillionaire donors were going to be pissed. It was nothing less than magical.
The real story of last night is just how full of shit the GOP and their sycophants actually are about everything they say they stand for. For decades, Republicans have declared themselves the "party of personal responsibility" and ruthlessly ran against the "Blame America First" crowd.
But even before Ohio was called, from Sarah Palin all the way down to the lowliest shithead commenter at Erick Erickson's Red State, they refused to recognize what a magnificent fuck-up their party has become and blamed the country for the loss. As I've been saying for years, these people are congenitally incapable of accepting responsibility for anything. And why should they? After all, it's much easier to simply lie.
It was the pollsters' fault. It was the media's fault (which is hilarious, when you also consider that they're never shy about reminding us that the "Lamestream Media" is irrelevant when they're not also the most effective conspirators in all of Christendom,) then it was Chris Christie's fault for not abandoning his hurricane-devastated state for some fool's errand in Pennsylvania and finally, it was the American people's fault.
Of course, if you're Bill O'Reilly, you acknowledge the disappearance of the "white establishment," which is hard to describe as anything other than racist. And that's a hard thing for me to say. When was the last time you heard me describe anyone as racist? That's a card that I'm proud of never pulling. But I'm a conservative cat and I believe that words actually mean something. O'Reilly wasn't saying anything that he absolutely doesn't believe. I nearly choked on my drink when I heard the words "white establishment" fly out of my TV last night, but I'm not going to pretend that he didn't say them.
What happened last night wasn't just a beating, it was a systematic fucking assassination of both the Romney campaign and the Tea Party as a whole. Some of the biggest names in the Tea Party; including Joe Walsh (not the cool one from the James Gang) and everybody's favorite war criminal, Allen West, found themselves horse-whipped right out of office. Michele Bachmann only hung on by her fingernails. Their "rising stars," like Mia Love, were convincingly beaten. Even Paul Ryan had the closest race in his district of his entire career. If you want to understand how much trouble these people are in, look no further than that.
In all honesty, I can't for the life of me figure out what these goddamned cretins thought was going to happen. They built a national campaign based almost entirely on demonstrable lies, social issues that were settled at least forty years ago, and economic plans that could only have come from an acid flashback.
Poll after poll after poll for at least the last two years told the GOP that even most Republican voters thought that it was time for the Bush tax cuts to expire, so what did Romney-Ryan do? They said that not only would they make them permanent, they'd further cut rates by another 20% with no plausible way to pay for it. But like most polls, Republican fuckheads saw them as "skewed."
They painted Latinos as criminal and vaginas as selfish, yet they were surprised when Hispanics lashed out in record numbers and only the most delusional cunts lined up behind them. They were running in an alternate reality and when voters pointed that out to them, they got pissed at America.
And these assholes aren't done. Not by a friggin' long shot. Internationally famous punchline and guy who managed to bankrupt a casino, Donald Trump went to Twitter to demand a "revolution." Yes, Trump might be so unaware of history that he actually doesn't understand what traditionally happens to plutocratic shitheads like him in revolutions. Maybe his hair helmet will protect him from the guillotine, but it might not.
But my all time favorite talking head from last night was Charles Krauthammer, who has turned out to be every bit as good at political prognostication as he is at diving.
Never mind that Obama has twice won more Electoral College votes than George W. Bush ever did, he has no "mandate." Bush, according to Krauthammer, did get a mandate in 2004, despite a considerably more shallow Electoral College victory. Indeed, Bush's 2004 "endorsement was resounding." But not for Obama.
If you folks aren't getting my subtlety, I'll spell it out for you. Charles Krauthammer is a fucking psychiatrist who is insisting that the Republican party do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, and insist that it's something other than insanity. That, my friends, is your GOP!
Was I being more than a little churlish and cunty in the first eight paragraphs of this post? Sure I was, if only for comedic effect. But the difference is that I was right. I've taken endless shit over it for years, but I won.
The people who lost, on the other hand, are being even more delusionally arrogant and stupid than I am, and they aren't pretending to be adorable and funny. Those bloviating, lying cocksuckers really do believe that they would have won, if only the country hadn't stabbed them in the back. And you know what? I've seen that attitude before. It was in Hitler's Mein Kampf, describing Germany's loss of the First World War.
Sure, Germany "rose again," but it very quickly found itself smacked down even harder that it could've possibly imagined shortly thereafter. The supposed "conservative movement" exactly mirrors the lack of self-awareness that the German people did between 1918 and 1945. And that tells me that precisely the same fate is going to befall them.
There's just no helping people that won't help themselves. And the GOP is in no mood to do the hard work that might actually make them fit to govern again. There was literally no end to the appeals to the identity politics that liberals made famous last night. Nor was there an end to the whining, bitching, moaning and blaming everybody else that defined the Democratic Party between 1968 and '88 last night.
It was nothing short of a catastrophe. But it wasn't the fault of Barack Obama, pollsters, the media or the American people. It was the fault of a movement that actually seems to believe that the John Birch Society and prevalent, rampant and seemingly contagious ignorance were positive forces in American life.
If you expect that's going to change anytime soon without some serious self-examination, you're part of the problem, and not the solution. If the attitude I saw last night persists, it doesn't matter how much of a disaster Obama's second term is going to be. I seriously believe that there could be another FDR-like era of twenty-year, one party rule.
I don't expect the Republican party to survive it. The GOP returned to prominence after the war because it had a pragmatic figure in Dwight Eisenhower to lead them out of the darkness and into the light. Figures like Eisenhower are punished in today's conservative movement, condemning the movement to feed off of it's own inbred stupidity until it finally dies.
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Epilogue: I would be remiss if I didn't share with you the funniest and most prescient I thing I read on the Internet last night, if not ever.
It comes from my friend and beloved spiritual mentor, the great and good Dr. Reverend's Twitter feed. He spoke about the Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock wing of the party, which has come to dominate it, in ways that I wish I had thought of first.
(Click to embiggen)
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