In Further Praise of Rihanna

I had an interesting argument with a friend of mine of Facebook the other day. I've known this woman for nearly thirty years and I've learned a lot from her.

During the 1988 presidential campaign, Michael Dukakis was some 17 points ahead of Vice President Bush. Then, as now, Bush was personal hero of mine and I was growing worried. My friend consoled me with what remains the most prescient political analysis I've ever heard.

"Don't worry," she said. "Bush will win."

I was more than a little mystified by this. No one had come back from a 17-point deficit in my lifetime at that point. I wanted her to be right. Shit, I needed her to be right. But I needed to know why she thought  the way she did.

"Really, " asked I. "Why do think so? I mean, the polls are bad ..."

"Don't worry," she interrupted. "Dukakis is married to a Jew. And her name is Kitty."

Uh oh, I thought. We're going down a road that can get ugly quick. Thankfully, my friend is Jewish and these were her thoughts, not mine. The last thing I needed in high school was being branded an anti-Semite. I was having a hard enough time getting laid back then.

I decided to let her finish.

"Kitty is a terrible name for a Jew," she continued. "The American people will never put a Jew named Kitty in the White House."

And you know what? She was right! At least I thought she was until Joe Lieberman ran for president. Say what you will about the man's politics and policies, but Hadassah Lieberman is maybe the most amazingly Jewish name imaginable. Just try to top that, I dare you!

Needless to say, I've put a lot of stock in her opinions ever since. She sees the blind spots that people like me all too often miss.

Anyhow, she (and no, I'm not going to use her name because she isn't a blogger and likely doesn't want to be associated with psychotic drivel like this) opined on Rihanna this past Sunday. I'm guessing because she was on Saturday Night Live the night before.

The conversation went as follows;

Am I the only one that doesn't see the appeal of Rhianna?

As you might imagine, there was no way I could let that stand. I'm not just a heterosexual male, I'm a champion of my gender and orientation. Maybe, at the risk of sounding immodest, the greatest champion of all. After all, I have a blog.

And there is literally no end to Rihanna's appeal. She's physically perfect in ways that only people who believe in childish notions, like the existence of a loving god, can truly understand. I don't believe in god, and certainly not a loving one, but I can't escape the cold reality that Rihanna was put here by a Higher Power to torture me through my awesome loins. I also feel the same way about Kerry Washington and Rosario Dawson.

Anyone who's seen her naked (link NSFW) knows that. That's just good science, people! Look at her, with the nipple rings and the total absence of public hair! And looka that ass! (also NSFW)

I had to disabuse my friend of this nonsense once and for all. As you might expect, I wasted no time in doing so. I'm not the greatest champion of heterosexual men for nothing, you know!

You're wrong. She's the hottest thing on earth and an outstanding excuse for ridding the world of Chris Brown!

There's probably no higher calling for mankind than ending the physical existence of Chris Brown. Moreover, it's an achievable mission in way that, say, ending the Iranian nuclear program isn't. While we'll likely be forced to live with atomic mullahs (which, by the way, is going to be my next band's name,) Brown can be dispatched to the hereafter with very little effort. One drone attack should do it.

Look, I'm not going to say that Rihanna was right to get all pissy about Chris' booty calls. That's just contrary to way nature works. Until we get beyond our childish and wrong polygamy laws, there are always going to be things that a man simply has to do, and nine out of every ten of those things are going to be strange pussy. We're biologically programmed that way, and the only way to stop us to ensure that we're always exhausted!

Having said that, there is no justification to beating the crap out of a girl who looks like that. I'm amazed that the judge in People v. Brown could look at Rihanna on the witness stand, then look at the police photos of what was done to her and still sentence him to community service. At a bare minimum, crucifixion should've been on the table. Were I on the bench, he would've been eaten alive by fucking lions.


My friend of several decades still persisted in continuing the argument, even though aesthetics, common sense, justice and science itself were working against her.

Yes she's pretty. Yes, she's kind of sexy (in a no boobs kind of way). But her music SUCKS.

Once again, I couldn't leave the topic alone. I'm not considered the Clarence Darrow of poontang for nothing. And for the sake of my argument, we'll forget that Darrow actually lost the Scopes Monkey Trial.

She sings? All I know is that I'd give anything to hold her like a bowling ball. And, although smallish, her knockers are beautifully shaped and will age extraordinarily. I'm a long-view breed of cat, I guess.

I was maybe too crude by half in presenting my case. I can only say that it was fairly early on a Sunday when this ugliness was brought to my door.

Of course no woman should be compared to a bowling ball. Only the worst losers (and probably serial killers) bowl. I should've said that I would do anything to be the Edgar Bergen to Rihanna's Charlie McCarthy, which implies something of a partnership. But, as my spiritual mentor, the great Dr. Reverend keeps asking, what would I make her say?

That my friends, is for me to know and you to find out, ideally from the purchase of the sex tape!

I should also point out that I was being a cutie-pie when I said that I didn't know Rihanna sings. Of course I do. As a matter of fact, I try to get every woman who meets my acquaintance to not just listen to "S&M" but to live its message. You probably haven't lived until you do.



I've written about this before, but that song is truly prophetic and has an important message for women of all ages that shouldn't be ignored!

"Being submissive in the bedroom is really fun," she says. "You get to be a little lady, to have somebody be macho and in charge of your shit. That's fun to me...I like to be spanked. Being tied up is fun. I like to keep it spontaneous. Sometimes whips and chains can be overly planned – you gotta stop, get the whip from the drawer downstairs. I'd rather have him use his hands."

Don't just take it from me, ladies. Rihanna has sold 85 million records; more than R.E.M, Van Helen, The Doors, Beyonce and Nirvana. So what she says has to be important, especially when what she's saying is that you need to be tied down and taken, ideally anally. That's just the numbers talking, but I'm not so arrogant as to disagree. Capitalism is never wrong, folks. Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows that.

If I were the only one who felt this way about Rihanna, I'd keep my mouth shut. But I'm not. Even homosexualist instructional manuals like GQ and Esquire have been forced to admit this cosmic truth, naming her the Greatest Woman of Our Time! Given their druthers, they'd probably name the Green Lantern guy that, but the Truth was just too strong.

Rihanna isn't just an important woman, she might be the most important woman of our time!