Dean Chambers Doesn't Quit, Godammit!

If this was a perfect world, Dean Chambers would get through life on nothing more than his rugged good looks and animal sex appeal. But the world is far from perfect, as I learned with this super-hot Indian girl at work that I wanted to fuck a few years back. Sometimes life is just unspeakably unjust!

Instead of living the life of Hef, Mr. Chambers and I have blogs. I'll grant you that it isn't a glamorous life, but it passes the time.

The way I see it, there are two important differences between Dean's blogs and mine.

First, my readers just can't bring themselves to stop having sex with me. It's pretty exhausting, really. Look, I know that I'm a fascinating and downright gorgeous specimen of a man, but really! My eyes are up here, ladies! I could be horribly wrong about this, but I'm not aware of the wimmenfolk throwing their sodden unmentionables at their computer screens when the browser loads a Chambers blog.

(Editor's Note: If any of you want to send pictures of your sodden unmentionables dangling from your monitor, I could use them. I have an "art project" in mind. Your anonymity is of course assured. Submissions should be sent to skippystalinATgmailDOTcom.)

That dovetails nicely into my second point: That my musings are at at least somewhat grounded in reality.

You see, Young Dean wrote what can only be described as erotic fan fiction for Republicans. Instead of composing fantasies wherein Emma Watson blew him as he wore a wizard's hat and spectacles, he created an alternate universe where the entire polling industry was ganging up on the GOP and "skewing"  their product. And I just can't see a scenario where that kind of thing gets you laid. If nothing else, I know what girls like.

On the other hand, there was no shortage of conservatives who lost themselves in this alternate reality, from Fox News (whose own polling confirmed the general trend better than the Gallup and Rasmussen polls that tools like Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity regularly cited) to the lowliest shill of a Republican blogger.

To give credit where it's due, Red State's Erick Erickson was the only major GOP blogger who called bullshit on that nonsense early and often. I can't constantly shit-talk the cat and not give it up to him when he shows considerable courage and tells his own readers that they're living on LSD-fuelled delusions and concentrated stupidity. Part of what makes me so goddamn sexy is that I'm fair!

Chambers decided to get ahead of the hallucinating herd and started a blog called Unskewed Polls, which I addressed at the time. What nobody had counted on at the time was that the Romney campaign itself followed Dean's alternate-reality model and "unskewed" their own internal polling, with catastrophic and hilarious results.

Worse, Dean decided to get in a pissing match with Nate Silver that left him almost sexually humiliated. If Silver weren't so gracious (to say nothing of vengefully unimaginative,) Chambers would have awoken on November 7 in a gimp suit with a ball-gag in his mouth and an unlubricated rolling pin up his ass.

Knowing just how thoroughly the limb he was on was cut out from under him, Chambers acknowledged Silver's natural superiority the next day. A lot of asshole bloggers are so delusional that they won't do that, so Dean should be given cerdit for it.

Except ....

In the final few months of the election, conservative blogger Dean Chambers created the website UnSkewedPolls, unskewing polls that he argued showed bias against the Republicans. The day after the election, Chambers admitted that he was wrong, but now he’s back with another website, this time claiming that President Obama and the Democrats stole the election.

Chambers’ new site, Barack O’Fraudo, claims that Obama only carried swing states Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Florida because of widespread voter fraud on the part of the Democrats. He writes that Democrats “are known for years for stuffing the ballot boxes” in specific counties in these states.

You're shitting me, right? For the love of Christ, please tell me that this is some form of Kauffman-esque performance art because it can't possibly be serious. This has gotta be the blogger equivalent of wrestling women, right?

When Republicans and other shitheads made voter fraud a huge Internet meme over the summer, I decided to have some fun. Every time I saw a story relating to ballot or registration fraud (which is far, far more common than voter fraud,) I put the link up on my Twitter feed.

By time I finally got bored with the exercise, I reckon that I had linked eight or ten stories. All of them involving Republican candidates, campaigns or operative groups. I had a blast with it, though.

All things being equal, I was expecting a metric shit-ton of lunatic Republicans screaming "stolen election" immediately after Ohio was called. After all, there was no end to deranged liberals doing exactly that in the aftermath of 2000 and '04.

But very few of them are, and none of them are prominent movement figures. In a rare moment of lucidity in a season that was marked by anything but, Republicans are mostly honest enough to acknowledge that they got their asses handed to them, fair and square. Maybe they want to move forward with their new hobby - tearing each other apart - but maybe they just recognize that reality kicked them in the balls with steel-toed boots.

The only one out there pushing the ridiculous "stolen election" meme is Dean Chambers.

And I gotta tell you, that's no way to get laid.