Jimmy Kimmel is Right! Fitness is Important!

Yeah, I know that I haven't posted very frequently or written anything that good lately. Some of you have been concerned, wondering if I'm drugs. Well, I'm here to say that it's true. I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. And I don't ever want to get off of it. It just makes life so much more interesting and entertaining than it otherwise is.



Of course, some of you might be shocked by that revelation and concerned about my heath. No need. First, I can cure addiction by closing my eyes and using my mind. Second, I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. This allows me to expose people to magic, I expose them to something they're never otherwise gonna see in their boring, normal lives. No need to thank me.



Although I've never really written about it at any length, I'm very proud of my physique. I'm a gorgeous man and not only is my body my temple, it should be yours, too.



Sure, the tiger blood and the Adonis DNA have a lot to do with my beauty, but it does take some work and that work started in my childhood.



You see, I was a short, scrawny kid. If you saw the boy that I was, you'd never believe that I'd grow into the man that I am today. Then, when I was about seven, I was walking home from school and this guy in a van drove up beside me and asked about the football I was carrying. I said that I wasn't very good because of my size and that the other kids picked on me. The guy said that he could fix that and have me winning games in no time. Of course, I believed him. After all, he had a van and strangers in vans always tell the truth to kids, don't they?



Amazingly enough, what the guy in the van showed me was almost exactly what Jimmy Kimmel featured on his show last night.







I've long maintained that if something is good enough for me, it's good enough for Scarlett Johansson, Minka Kelly, Jessica Biel, Emily Blunt, Kelly Ripa, Sofia Vergara, Jessica Alba, Eva Longoria, and my soul mate, Lindsay Lohan. Like me, they're all glorious to look at and they all came about it the same way, by humping. And now they're all hotties, too!



Having said that, while you can put down the Shakeweights, I wouldn't recommend it. Just look at what they've done for premier porn star April O'Neil. (Note: that link couldn't be more NSFW) Her body is even tighter than Lindsay's, although in fairness, her cocaine intake is unknown.



Yes, getting in shape is hard work. If it wasn't everyone wouldn't be such a useless tub of shit. But nobody's saying that it can't be fun. Sure, the first few times in the van, I cried just as much as Jessica Alba. But then I started seeing results and immediately felt better about myself. It was a miraculous transformation and it made me what I am today!



I just wonder if Jimmy Kimmel has a van.