Halle Berry's Going to Win!

There's something wrong with Halle Berry. She's an Oscar-winning actress with more money than god and the most beautiful woman alive, maybe the most beautiful woman ever. And not for nothing, looka her jugs!

But she just can't keep a man. In the last decade or so, she's been married twice and had a kid with a third dude. None of those relationships lasted long or ended well. At some point people are going to start noticing that the only thing that those relationships have in common is Halle herself.

Anyhow, she hooked up with Gabriel Aubry - a man almost as pretty as she is - and they had a daughter. Proving that she's a supernatural gift from the stars, childbirth shockingly made Ms. Berry's body even more pleasing to look at. Then they broke up. But don't worry, it was an amicable split.

Until it wasn't. You see, Halle took exception to the father of her children doing eminently sensible things, like fucking Kim Kardashian, and she got all uptight about it. Apparently, you can never please some women. So she decided that she was going to fight to change their custody agreement.

For the life of me, I don't know why men even bother with child custody battles. Unless the broad you impregnated is Patricia Krenwinkel your chances of winning are exactly zero. Let's say that my soul mate Lindsay Lohan and I procreated and the shit didn't work out. Despite her stunningly sexy criminal history and superior ability to hit babies with her car, she'd get the kid. The fact that whiskey and orgies have been demonstrably character-building for me would matter not at all. This is because the modern courts are jammed full of atavistic assholes who despise self-improvement and curse everything that love is supposed to be about.

Now Halle's PR people are levelling accusations that Gabriel regularly hurled racial epithets at her, which seems awfully unusual for a French Canadian. They're celebrated far and wide for their embrace of diversity. For example, everybody knows that white French Canadians that support sovereignty get along just fine with white French Canadians that don't support sovereignty. How much pluralistic do you expect them to be, for Christ's sake?

More importantly, it's just unnecessary and tawdry. Even if she wasn't the most physically perfect person in human history, Halle Berry would still win this case by virtue of being a broad. Being that she's Halle, she can walk into court wearing a low-cut top and not only will the judge give her baby Nahla, but two or three of his own kids as well.

In the end, nobody is going to think of the tragedy that befalls Gabriel. Sure, he'll still be dreamy and everything, but he'll be denied an important colour in the poontang rainbow, maybe forever. And for what? Just so an Academy Award winner can keep a kid that she was never in any real danger of losing anyway?

This is appalling behaviour and I just don't think that I could forgive it in anyone that wasn't so pretty.


Update: The plot thickens, not that it matters because Halle Berry's so hot.