The Mexican Dating Game & The Path to Romantic Conquest

I'm a pretty ugly man, so I can't score girls that can't speak English, which is too bad because I think we'd get along just fine. For such women to see the positive aspects about me, I'd have to take off my pants and I don't think I can legally get away with that for much longer. My Vincent Gigante act is wearing thin with the authorities and it's only a matter of time before the jig is well and truly up. Among other things, The Man is determined that I never be happy.

If you watch the above video (which I stole from Dirty Rotten Whore, a blog that you shouldn't go to when you're even thinking about work), you'll see a Mexican version of The Dating Game called 12 Corazones. I haven't the slightest fucking clue what the point of it is, but the "prize" wearing the Tauro button is the most breathtakingly hot thing I've ever laid eyes on.

I have no idea what Tauro is saying, and quite frankly, I don't care. I think I like her a whole lot better that way. Jesus Christ and all the Dwarves in Disneyland, just look at her. I don't think I've ever seen anything like it. The combination of such a perfect, adorable face and that banging brick shithouse of a body is something that might just cure my atheism.

I watched the video nearly half an hour ago, and my penis is still threatening to rip through my pants and beat me about the head. I've seen it happen before and lesser mortals don't usually survive it. Tauro is just that awesome. On further reflection, I think that I'd even throw a hard fast one onto the host of 12 Corazones, but only in the ass. I am, after all, a gentleman with a reputation to uphold. But it just might impress Tauro into being my incoherent Charlie McCarthy.

More likely, I'd have to get rich. Soon. Girls like Tauro, even if they don't speak a lick of English, aren't likely to fall for the whole "poor is the new rich" line that I use on women who actually have seen me naked. In short, I'll have to break my long-established tradition of being a broke motherfucker with a huge putz.

So I think I'm going to be a diet guru for broads. Women are forever dieting, so the market has endless possibilities. I've also noticed that people on diets have no will power because dieting is a big pain in the ass. So I'm going to write my very own diet book called "Get Thin While Doing The Same Shit You're Doing Now." I've found that if you appeal to humanity's inherent laziness, there's no way that you can't not succeed.

Anyhow, I was telling my girlfriend about it earlier, because I think that she'd dig Tauro just as much as I do. She seemed interested, really interested. How could she not? I'm a compelling guy, as you've probably noticed in reading the last six paragraphs.

Then she started asking questions.

"So, how does this diet work," she wondered.

"That's the beauty of it, " I thundered. "It's the easiest way to lose weight ever!"

"Okay, and ...", my beauty prodded.

"Vodka and buggery, three times a day for a month! Could anything be more simple?"

"Um, I'm not so sure about that ..."

"If you're worried, don't be. I'm pretty sure that bourbon would work just as well. I know that vodka isn't for everybody."

This is foolproof. This is going to change my way of living like nothing has before, and Tauro will be my little Mexican oven-mitt. More importantly, my girlfriend and my mom are going to be so proud of me!