Charlie Sheen Ruins Everything

Have you ever bought a condominium for your hot mistress, only to have your uptight wife find out about it and kick your ass out? That has to be so embarrassing that I would imagine that it would be a good long time before you show your face in public again.

Charlie Sheen's life is a lot like that, but no matter how badly he fucks up, it only gets better. He calls his white wife the "n-word" and he gets a sitcom. He threatens to kill his second wife and he becomes the highest paid actor on television. He freaks out to the point that a porno slut has to lock herself in the bathroom for her own safety and he winds up with a better porno slut. Good Time Charlie is almost genetically incapable losing and, as a lifelong loser, you can't imagine how much I resent it. it's just enough to break my heart forever.

As you probably know, I'm an internationally respected student of human sexuality. That being the case, I watch a lot of pornography, enough to cause a lesser man fits. Yet, the 192 gigabytes of it here in the world famous masturbatorium consoles and comforts me precisely because I'm not a lesser man. Sometimes I'll share my collection with my various lovers and they swoon and become ever more devoted to me. Folks, there's nothing the ladies adore more than a serious scholar of romance. You'll just have to take my word on that. God knows that I can't afford to buy any of them a condo.

In all my years of monk-like study, I find myself hard-pressed to find a more enticing erotic performer than the lovely Bree Olson. She's undeniably everything that a woman should be, blessed with a gorgeous, "girl-next-door" face; a glorious all-natural 32D rack and a body that I actually worship every Sunday morning, if only because the Catholic Church won't allow me in without pants because I'm too old.

If you've seen as many of Miss Olson's fine films as I have, you'd be forgiven for thinking that she can hardly make it through the day without being roughly sodomized. Verily, she's a dumper daredevil and that makes her morally superior to everyone that isn't. I don't know how many of you have been given the Adult Video News award for Best Anal Sex Scene, but Bree has, which clearly makes her a better person than you are. And I only fell more deeply in love with her once I started following her on Twitter. If you're a woman, you clearly need to be Bree Olson.

So of course Charlie's fucking her. There just isn't a better analogy for the final Decline and Fall of Western Civilization than that, now is there? As things like common sense and basic decency whither and decay on their determined march toward death, Charlie Sheen will be there, laughing at us and being smothered with the highest quality whores imaginable. I'm pretty sure that's how the Book of Revelation ends, isn't it?

TMZ broke the story ... Charlie was on a bender over the weekend, holed up with three porn stars, including Bree Olson.

Charlie's people, as well as suits from the studio ... are deeply concerned for him. We're told Charlie's people have been trying to get him in rehab but he doesn't think he has a problem.

Charlie hasn't communicated with the people from "Two and a Half Men" yesterday or today.

As loath as I am to side with a biological fuck-up like Charlie, I have no other choice. Christ on a crutch, the guy is in Las Vegas with no fewer than three girls who get professionally buggered, one of them being the queen of the form. Does he look like has a problem? He certainly doesn't from where I'm sitting and I've been a rigorous student of such things for several decades now.

But let's assume for a second that I'm wrong. It could happen, I suppose. How precisely is Hollywood going to address Mr. Sheen's "problem"? If past is prologue, they'll give him another giant raise, stock in Chivas Regal and arrange a cage match between Selma Heyak, Halle Berry, Lindsay Lohan and Sofia Vergara to settle once and for all who gets to give him his next tequila-fuelled rimjob.

And you know what? I'm pretty sure that would solve all of my problems. Virtually certain of it, in fact.


Story ruthlessly stolen from What Would Tyler Durden Do and The Superficial. Special shout-out to the most NSFW blog in all of Christendom, Drunken Stepfather. If you watch the video of a topless Bree being interviewed whilst taking a mighty dump, you'll see just why I love her so.