In Praise of Montana Fishburne

I've always been amazed that more children of celebrities don't do porn. Most sensible people will tell you that nothing says rebellion quite like entering the wonderful world of professional pornography. Sure, I suppose that you could get hooked on street drugs, but there's always rehab to fix that when you go too far. A fuck tape, however, is forever - an eternal middle finger raised at everything Hollywood celebrity is supposed to stand for.

Of course, that's starting to change as society disintegrates. No one knew who Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian were until we saw them with cocks in their mouths, and now they're ubiquitous. Having said that, neither seemed particularly passionate about the cock, preferring instead to see it as a mean to an end, a phallic pathway to the red carpet. Watching their fuck tapes broke my heart because I knew that young girls would be influenced to think that a lack of enthusiasm for the wang would help them live their dreams. Which is wrong. They'll be far more likely to die alone.

Hilton and Kardashian became famous for lackluster pornos because it was new and novel five years ago. That's no longer the case. The law of diminishing returns has well and truly kicked in and you had better have a truly awesome fuck tape if you want to eat lunch in Hollywood again.

And that's just one of the reasons that Montana Fishburne should be the biggest star of all, if not actually sainted. Her film, Montana Exposed is far and far and away the most creative of the "celebrity" pornos out there. In keeping with the celebrity genre, it was meant to look amateurish but it was in fact produced by Vivid Video, which means that it's actually watchable. And the quality is sure to give her father Laurence an even bigger coronary, which is sort of the point.

Montana herself is damn near perfect. Given my world-famous weakness for really cute black chicks, my heart ached and my genitals pounded and throbbed as I watched her video. She's gifted with the cutest face, breathtaking, all-natural jugs (Link NSFW) and an ass that speaks to me in a secret language that only I can understand. For months now, I've dreamed of putting things in her dumper, including but not limited to large parts of myself. It is a posterior that has made me question everything that I've ever believed about both myself and the world around me.

Most important is her enthusiasm. She is, quite frankly, a girl who really wants the world to see her fuck and suck. You can see it in her eyes. And she mouths a white wang in a way that's aggressive, but also devotional. She also uses her tongue during a blowjob in ways that you don't often see in a mere 19 year old. In fact, many more experienced and worldly women don't do it, which is truly tragic. The world would be a better place if the did, and the fact that John Lennon didn't include that in "Imagine" proves that Lennon was an asexual schmuck with stupid priorities. Montana also knows the importance of maintaining eye contact with the owner of the cock she's sucking, which adds to experience immeasurably. I was also encouraged by the fact that the white wang she appeared so enamoured with is smaller than mine.

Plus, she's a squirter. Every man needs one of those and the fact that I didn't have one until I was forty years old is a crime against humanity, worse than any of the fucking nonsense highlighted by the Goddamned Liberal Media. My life could have been so much different if only I had found a gusher when I was, say, twelve. Nothing builds confidence quite like being blasted in the noggin with liquid female affection.

I would hardly want to quibble with anything about Montana Fishburne, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't. I found myself constantly distracted and angered by the name Johnny Some-Or-Other tattooed where her public hair blessedly isn't. If there's one thing that long-time female readers of mine know, it is that the only acceptable thing to have tattooed there is "Skippy!" With the exclamation point, so everybody knows that you really mean it.

Miss Fishburne isn't just the perfect celebrity of tomorrow, she might actually be the perfect woman. if you don't worship her as fully as I do, I'm afraid that you just don't know all that much about women and their almost magical potential. You still have a lot of living to do, but that's why I'm here - to talk you through it.

Aren't I special?

Pictures ruthlessly stolen from my hero, the Drunken Stepfather, who runs perhaps the most NSFW blog in all the Dominion. Go check him out once you're safely away from your office.