Rihanna's Esthetician Adventures

Rihanna isn't just beautiful. That would be easier for me to live with. I see beautiful girls every day. Rihanna is actually supernaturally beautiful and that affects me in physiological ways. Every time I lay eyes on her, my crotch throbs, my chest constricts and my vision blurs. Given the precarious state of my health, I'm pretty sure that she's going to kill me someday. The truth is, I don't mind all that much.

Some of you might not know this about me, but I'm a sucker for a pretty face. If you look good enough, I'll rationalize the very worst behaviour that mankind has to offer. And Rihanna is so gorgeous that if she heated her home by setting infants on fire, I'd justify it so eloquently that it would take your very breath away. And I'd think that I was a better man for having done so.

Of course, just to prove that evil exists, some men don't feel the way I do. Rihanna's former beloved famously kicked the shit out of her just before the 2009 Grammy Awards. The fact that Chris Brown wasn't fed to lions during the Super Bowl half-time show for his sins that year tells you everything you need to know about American justice in this dark and terrible era.

If you've ever seen her naked (link deeply, desperately NSFW), it's probably changed your life. She looks impossibly good. Every girl will tell you the importance of accessorizing, and Rihanna's nipple rings take it to new and exciting heights. They manage to enhance both her amazing aerola and the curve of her waist perfectly. And Rihanna's ass (link also very NSFW) might be the most utilitarian thing I've ever laid eyes on. Nary a day goes by that I don't dream of saying grace at her dumper before eating a hearty meal off of it.

Rihianna, being symbolic of everything femininity should be, is also completely denuded of hair in the vicinity of her most valued treasure. This is how all women should be, but sadly are not, since the human condition is in a rapid and irreversible death spiral. She is the Light and the Way, but some girls are simply too satanic to follow her example.

This isn't as uncomplicated as you would think, not even for Rihianna.

Rihanna was forced to endure one of the "most awkward" moments of her life during a recent bikini wax when the beautician recognized the Umbrella hitmaker and let her know it.

The singer insists on only being waxed by Russian women who speak no English, but during one visit she was tended to by a young American.

The woman recognized Rihanna immediately and proceeded to chat to her during the intimate procedure - leaving the star squirming throughout the process.

She says, "I went to this wax salon and she recognized me before I took my clothes off and I think she couldn't wait until we were alone and she could ask for an autograph or a picture or something. So I'm lying there and in pain...

"Every time time I get a wax I specify the lady is old and speaks Russian and no English and she was a 25-year-old American and she was basically like, 'I know who you are, you're Rihanna!' I was like 'Awkward!'

"It was probably one of the most awkward moments of my entire life. I just got up and I got outta there and said (to my manager), 'Don't ever bring me back here! I told you, old and Russian!'"

She really is a saint, that Rihanna. To my mind, she would have been perfectly justified in having her manager publicly disemboweled as a way of setting an example for the rest of her entourage. At the very least, her people should have given the esthetician advance notice that Rihanna was coming, so that they had adequate to set up candles, romantic music and had grapes on hand to feed her as they waxed her great and glorious cooter. It also would have helped if the American gromer in question was Bree Olson, just to make it sexier.

But the moral of the story is that Rihanna hasn't given up professional waxing. That just wouldn't do. No, it wouldn't do at all.

Some girls out there would do well to follow Rihanna's example, regardless of the adversity involved. For example, I once dated someone who, the first time we were together, was beautifully barren of hair. And I devoted entire days to licking and fucking her until she was actually speaking in tongues. As a younger woman, she hadn't been so randily rogered before and I believe that she actually had an out of body experience.

Tragically, some people don't retain things like positive reinforcement as well as others. When, several months later, we met again, things had taken a decided and dramatic turn for the worse. There wasn't just a little stubble there. That I could have dealt with, particularly after her long journey. After relieving her of her clothing, I thought I had found bin Laden. It took my last reserves of restraint not to go Cofer Black on her crotch and bring it to George W. Bush in a box on dry ice. Needless to say, our relationship ended shortly thereafter.

But it all could have different if she was more like Rihanna. I know it, Rihanna knows it and, most importantly, now you know it, too. To all the young ladies in my vast international audience, I say this: if you ever find yourself in a personal grooming quandary, ask yourself what Rihanna would do. You can't go wrong.