Glenn Beck is a Sad Little Bitch

I've been watching Glenn Beck on Fox News every day for about five months now and I'm here to say that he might be the greatest thing on television. There's something about the combination of crazy and stupid that's just irresistible to me.

Actually, Beck isn't wrong when he says that America's debt is going to destroy everything in sight. He might be the only person around who says it and actually seems to believe it. He's absolutely right in being completely hysterical about that specific topic.

The only problem is that his solutions are so moronic that they should be packaged and mass-marketed, which they sort of have been. Last week, Beck released his latest book that everyone will buy and no rational adult will read, Broke: The Plan to Restore Our Trust, Truth and Treasure, a 416 page psychopathic treatise about how America's economic apocalypse can only be averted by more tax cuts and even more Jesus. This of course presumes that, all evidence to the contrary, America hasn't had enough tax cuts and Jesus over the last 50 years.

Contrary to what Glenn's delirium tremens tell him, spending is only half the problem and tax cuts are possibly the most dangerous form of spending because they don't seem like spending at all. As much as people like Beck like to protest otherwise, America does have a revenue problem, otherwise there wouldn't be a deficit or a debt at all. If you ever want to see Tea Partiers get truly bewildered, ask them to be specific about what spending they want to see cut (meaning not earmarks, which account for less than nothing.) If they actually do come up with something, mention that none of their candidates have mentioned it and watch their heads explode.

Broke is the book that should be in every economically illiterate paranoid's library. The only problem is that there don't appear to be as many economically illiterate paranoids out there as there used to be, which disturbs Glenn Beck immensely.

You see, Broke entered the Amazon.com sales charts at number three last week, which Glenn sees as being below someone of his delusional stature. He was roundly beaten by some self-published book that no one has ever heard of and Keith Richards' majestic memoir, Life


This caused nothing short of an epic meltdown on Beck's show last Wednesday.

And I want to tell you that, um…our books are ALWAYS #1. And I find it REALLY fascinating, FASCINATING, that if you go to Amazon.com, Broke is number THREE. And the two books that are ahead of it — one is Keith Richards’ Life, which is getting a TON of — you know, that’s everywhere.

But this is a book about, you know, how he snorted his father’s ashes, after death … So that… ‘culture of death.’ And it’s an escape into the past, of, you know, the Woodstock stuff.

And then, the #1 book — TODAY, at least — is Machine of Death. And it’s a — collected stories about, you know, people who know how they’re gonna die. Haowww!
So you have DEATH — I know it’s called Life, but what a life it is, really! It’s a culture of death! OR, ‘How do we restore ourselves?’

These are the — this is the left, I think, speaking. This is the left. You want to talk about where we’re headed? We’re headed towards a culture of death. A culture that, um, celebrates the things that have destroyed us. Not that the Rolling Stones have destroyed us — I mean, you can’t always get what you want. You know what I’m saying? Brown sugar. I have no idea what that means.

Am I the only one that can't figure out what Glenn's trying to say? Shit, I understand that I'm old-fashioned, but wasn't there a time when one of the prerequisites to having a talk show was the ability to talk?

Unlike Beck, who seems to be making the same silly point over and over again, Keith Richards is interesting for something other than public nervous breakdowns. 19th Nervous Breakdown? Christ, Glenn has that many between 10 am and 6 pm every weekday.

Can you name three things that Beck has contributed to the culture? I can't, certainly not in a way that compares to the Rolling Stones. The Stones have put out single albums that are more important than everything Glenn Beck has done in his fucking career.

Remember, Beck, like Limbaugh, Hannity, Michael Savage, Mark Levin and Keith Olbermann are glorified disc jockeys that simpletons look to for political guidence. While they regularly perpetuate stupidity, they create nothing. They agitate morons for a living. Nothing more, nothing less.

Because I have the greatest girlfriend of ever, I got a copy of Life last week and all books should be more like it. It's beautifully written, insightful and brilliantly funny, which Glenn Beck never is - at least not intentionally.

It takes a lot of balls to mention your alcoholism and drug addiction in public multiple times a day and have anything negative to say about someone like Keith Richards. When Keef was
fucked up, he produced things like Sticky Fingers and Exile on Main St, which are still revered forty years later. When Glenn was lubricated, he could barely pull off one of those stupid Morning Zoo shows in a minor market. That's sort of important.

If I were Keith Richards this morning, I'd have Glenn Beck kicked right out of Connecticut. Why should the Human Riff have to share a state with that asshole, anyway?

By the way, "Brown Sugar" is about an Old South slave owner raping his slaves. You're welcome.