Is This the Kim Kardashian of Politics?

It's hardly a secret that I think that Sarah Palin is a joke, albeit one that I do vile things to myself thinking about. However, she's the perfect representation of everything that American politics has become over the last decade - vapid, hollow and useless - and it makes me ashamed that I've spent my life studying it. Palin is the living embodiment of the triumph of style over substance.

I wouldn't have as many problems with her as I do if only she had a philosophy that made sense. As the half-term governor of a welfare state, she threw oil company money around to everyone in sight, yet still had the balls to fancy herself a champion of the free market.

In her two years as a national figure, the only cogent point she's made is that the news media sucks, which everybody else knew by 1983 .... when she was getting ready to study communications and journalism in college. Of course, she remedies the media's plight by appearing on it relentlessly and championing Facebook and blogs, which suck even worse. That she might actually use a reality show as a springboard to the presidency says more about American society than it could ever say about her.

Even if Governor Palin is dumb enough to run for president, I don't see a plausible way for her to win the Republican nomination, let alone the keys to the White House. What her admirers seem to have forgotten is that she's only had the media saying shitty things about her, which tends to galvanize the Right. But when a dozen or so other Republicans start kicking her reputation across the country, she'll almost certainly collapse like a house of cards. Furthermore, the GOP doesn't have a history of nominating people as broadly or deeply hated as Sarah Palin.

But let's assume that, by some accident of history, Sarah wins the nomination. That's where the fun really starts. Palin could only debate Joe Biden to a draw in '08, while Barack Obama mopped the floor with the much more seasoned John McCain three times in a row. There's every reason to believe that Obama would actually disassemble her on a debate stage over and over again. Add to that the fact that Obama has a tested and ready campaign team, and Palin hasn't bothered with any kind of structure at all. You cannot run a presidential campaign from Facebook, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a moron.

With all due respect, John Heilemann is wrong. Not even an independent Michael Bloomberg candidacy could elect Sarah Palin, which assumes that she can even be nominated in the first place.

This of course brings me to Roland Martin. He's CNN's resident black guy in an ascot, which obviously means that he's Very Important And Must Be Listened To. Sadly, he's on CNN, which means that no one knows who he is. But he did say something interesting to Anderson Cooper last week.



After to listening to that three times, I'm so enraged that I'm physically quaking with fury. As much as I'd like to ignore Mr. Martin's heresy, I cannot and still consider myself a good and decent man. The entire segment was just that much of an outrage. Roland is fortunate that he doesn't live in a country where his tongue could be cut out for saying such things, but we're all lesser people for it.

Say what you will about Sarah Palin, but she is no Kim Kardashian! While I would never deny that I've sexually brutalized myself whilst fantasizing of violating the former governor, I can't stand silently by while a guy in a fucking ascot dares to insult Kim this way.

Sure, Palin is really cute and blessed with a hot little body for a middle-aged broad that's shit out five kids, but Kim Kardashian? Please, can we discuss this like reasonable ladies and gentlemen? This shouldn't be taken as lightly as, say, Palin's economic or foreign policies. This, friends and neighbors, is Serious Business.

The governor appears to have an impressive rack, particularly for a woman of her, shall we say, vintage. The great tragedy of Palin's life is that she doesn't show it off more. It's not as if doing so would intellectually diminish her in anyone's eyes. But the Kardashian cans are truly a thing of beauty; so fat, yet firm; their flesh sun kissed to the perfect hue. There's a peaceful calm that settles over me whenever I think of them. I feel just a little more ... alive.

Much has been written about the famed Kardashian ass. Verily, it is such that it inspires poetry of such romance that it cannot be read aloud. It cannot help but to make even the hardest of atheists consider the possibility that there might be a Higher Power. Indeed, those glorious glutes might be a higher power unto themselves. When I'm in the company of other gentleman and see a depiction of that incandescent posterior, I stop to say "That, good fellows, that's where God his own self lives!"

They are butt cheeks that jiggle and shake with the promise of a better life for us all. It is a dumper that tempts, yet consoles. It speaks to every man in a secret language that only he can understand. It is the lighthouse that beckons us from the sea storms of our daily toil. It nurses us when are sick and feeds us when we hunger. It is what a man dreams of when he takes his rest, and it there he hopes to go when he dies.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd give a kidney to fuck Kim Kardashian in the ass, and that I'm more than willing to concede the moral superiority of any man that has so loved her.

I beg that you don't misunderstand me. I'd also enjoy sodomizing Sarah Palin. Just not as much or, more importantly, as tenderly.

I'm not a closed-minded man. I wouldn't be so crass as to declare here that I'm incapable of changing my opinion someday. And I'll admit that I'm waiting with bated breath for the governor's fuck tape. After all, it's not like she's Khloe Kardashian.

Lovingly dedicated to my beautiful girlfriend, who absolutely adores posts like this one.