Wasting Money We Don't Have

I don't expect many of readers outside of Toronto to know this, but Scarborough is pretty much the asshole of the world. Were it up to me, we'd be building a wall around it, not subways into it.

But Scarborough is also a target-rich environment for huckster politicians looking to buy their way into new mandates, so it appears that it is subways that they will get.

Look, unlike most deviant cheerleaders for Toronto's crackhead mayor and Stephen Harper's supposedly "conservative" government, I'm an actual conservative, which means that I don't support buying shit we don't need with money that we don't have. And among the very last things we need is subways into Scarborough.

Don't get me wrong, pretty new subways that go right into my basement would be nice, but so would my having a fourteen foot cock. But neither is necessary and both would be hideously expensive.

Nobody in their right mind goes into Scarborough, which has all the charm of East Germany in the 70s. If we absolutely have to have new, unfinanced subways, we'd all be better off with a downtown relief line. Getting downtown at pretty much any time of the day is enough to induce a fucking stroke. And it should surprise no one that none of the subway suicides in this city occur on tracks leading away from the downtown core.

Downtown is an economic driver and most serious people couldn't come up with three reasons why Scarborough shouldn't be attacked with mustard gas. So guess who's getting a subway!

This is actually easy to understand, but only if you're willing to credit everything that's wrong with the human spirit. Ford and the Harper Tories know that there are no votes to be had downtown, so they want even bigger margins in the useless and ignorant parts of the city. And you'd be hard-pressed to be more useless and ignorant than Scarborough.

But Ontario's Liberal premier, Kathleen Wynne is behind this, too, isn't she?

Well, sorta. Wynne supports a much more restrained - and affordable - Scarborough line. She's also alone in trying to finance it, whereas Ford, Harper and his spending machine of a finance minister, Jim Flaherty, are all throwing around plans and numbers without regard to their actual cost.

But even Wynne is trying to buy people's votes with their own money. She presides over a minority government that could fall at any time, and she knows that if she loses seats in Scarborough, she'll be sexually humiliated by Andrea Horwath's NDP everywhere else. So Kathleen either supports the Scarborough or she starts fitting herself for a dildo gag and a gimp suit.

As for Crackhead Rob, he's not willing to kick in the bare minimum he needs to pay for this atrocity.

His own Council reported that he'd need a 2.5% property tax increase over 30 years to finance this mess, but he'll only commit to a fifth of that. And even with the federal and provincial giveaways, Ford's folly still comes up hundreds of millions of dollars short.

Harper and Flaherty have always treated financial responsibility like a bad joke. When shitheads like  Grover Norquist and the editors of the National Review point to them as fiscal heroes, they only highlight that they don't know what they're fucking talking about.

Harper first pissed away a $13 billion surplus on electioneering nonsense, then dumped hundreds of billions more on his crazed "Canada's Action Plan" that he's unashamedly wasting millions more on advertising a full five years after the financial crisis. Stephen Harper and Jim Flaherty have thrown away more money on useless shit than even Barack Obama. If you support Harper while condemning Obama, that's all the evidence I need that you're a twat and very probably a moron.

Metrolinx had a fully financed plan that Ford killed, literally filling a hole where the Sheppard LRT was going to be with $30 million that he didn't have, just like his spiritual father, Mike Harris, did with the Eglinton subway back in the 90s.

One of life's great ironies is that Rob Ford ran on "stopping the gravy train," But he also promised to spend hundreds of billions of dollars of other people's money on trains.

You can call that any number of things, but "conservative" isn't one of them.