Having said that, I acknowledge that I could be wrong. It's rare that I am, but I'd be less than wholly honest if I said it never happened. And, as a general rule, I rather enjoy folks with viewpoints different that mine. It keeps life interesting, and people who believe everything I do bore me terribly.
That's why I'm lucky to have a friend like the good and great Dr. Reverend, my closest friend and spiritual advisor of some two decades. I'd encourage you all to get to know him, but he likes people even less than I do.
From time to time, my phone will ring and I'll instinctively know that Herr Doktor is on the other end of the line, seeking to improve the condition of my immortal soul.
"You scumbag," he'll holler into the receiver. "You're too preoccupied with cocaine, Chivas Regal and orgies! Those things are all fine, if messy when taken in combination, but you need to read your fucking bible! Exactly what are you going to do when Moshiach comes? You think He's going to be impressed with you thick wang and ability to snort a three-mile line of blow? Well, he might, but that's not the point. You need to get right with the Lord, son!"
Not only are the Doctor's tirades impressive performance art, they have a ring of Truth to them.
As I said earlier, I could very well be wrong about the existence of a Higher Power. I don't think I am, but stranger things have happened. So I've decided to cover my bases. In financial circles, they call it hedging.
While I was raised Catholic, I just can't get behind Jesus. He's simply not trending the way he should. When the only person who relates to you is Chris Brown, you've got what can only be considered a serious branding problem. Besides, look what happens every time He makes a personal appearance.
That's right. If a group of crazed Italians don't get you, then some homeless Dudebro with a hatchet will. And I just can't rely on that when the End Times come. You're free to, but I have a feeling it won't end the way you want it to.
Besides, Christians haven't faced any serious adversity since roughly the second century. How do you know that He'll have your back when shit gets real?
The Jews are different. They've been fucked over by everyone wherever they've gone since the dawn of recorded history. They can't even be in a room with each other without a violent disagreement breaking out. Yet they've persevered, which tells me that they have a Friend in High Place.
So I've concluded that if there's anything at all to this superstitious nonsense about an afterlife, Dr. Reverend is likely right and Moshiach is the way to go. And that's why I'm helping him spread his righteous message.
The Good Doctor is spreading that message in the most modern of evangelical ways; on a t-shirt. If you want Moshiach to immediately recognize you as a believer upon His vengeful arrival, you don't just want this shirt, you need it. It just might be the best fifteen bucks you've ever spent. After all, this is your soul we're talking about, people!
In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that there's something in it for me. I've been advised that if the Doctor sells 200 of these shirts, he'll use the proceeds to buy me an iPad mini. And I desperately need one of those. There are about 1,500 of you here every day, and I suspect that a healthy majority of you have souls in dire need of saving.
And you know what, iPad Minis just don't buy themselves. So help a couple of brothers out.
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