Don't get me wrong, he's a political genius and, and anyone who saw the Democratic National Convention earlier this month knows, the greatest performer of my lifetime, including Reagan. Watching him go when he's on a roll is nothing short of spellbinding.
But he just doesn't know how women think. For example, he ejaculated on and about Monica Lewinsky's now famous blue Gap dress and then assumed that she wouldn't keep it. Who does that?
When I blow my ball batter about, I just assume that any young lady in the vicinity is going to keep it. I'm often told how delicious it is and it may well be the secret of eternal youth. Not for nothing, but no woman who I've emptied myself on or in has ever suffered a serious illness and has actually been cured of any minor ailment that they may have been suffering at the time. I've often thought of selling my jizz at old-timey medicine shows, but the busybody assholes at the FDA won't let me. Any paramour of mine who has ingested my goo has immediately began singing "Yummy, yummy, yummy/ I've got cum in my tummy" at the top of their lungs for several hours afterward.
I never thought I was special in that regard. I just figured that all relationships worked that way. It was only in 1998 that I discovered otherwise.
His intellectual and political gifts - and his remarkable ability to lie - aside, former President Clinton is among the sleaziest individuals to walk the earth. Contrary to popular opinion, he assuredly didn't like women very much.
The late Christopher Hitchens put the lie to that myth when Clinton's defenders asserted that "everyone lies about sex." That may be true, Hitch remarked, but when men lie about sex it's often out of a Victorian impulse to protect a woman's honour. Wild Bill was different. He lied about sex in the most damaging and defamatory way to his partners imaginable. Whenever the President was romantically connected to a lady, he and his White House painted them as psychopathic whores.
The fact that women supported Clinton to the extent that they did suggested that abusive relationships are a two-way street far more often than most people would have you believe. On the other hand, maybe it's a Southern thing.
Nearly fifteen years later, I still can't understand that. I've always considered a young lady's desire to google my knob among the greatest gifts one can get. Anyone who would want me to fire off a creamy twenty-one gun salute into their skull is most assuredly a friend of mine. To this very day, I love and appreciate every girl that has shared such an experience with me, even if I can't remember all of their names.
It was only in July of 2007, when the Republican party asserted that Scooter Libby's perjury was unworthy of any serious punishment at all, that I changed my mind. Libby lied both to FBI agents and before a Grand Jury about the leaking of a CIA agent's identity to the Goddamned Liberal Media, which is considerably more consequential than a fib about cocksucking. Had I not already renounced my fondness for the GOP during the Terri Schiavo debacle, I would have done so when President Bush commuted Libby's sentence.
Clinton's continuing protestations of victimhood remain among the most stomach-churning spectacles I've ever witnessed. There was only one real victim in that strange and savage saga: Monica Lewinsky herself.
Everybody else involved - Clinton, his craven staff, the Office of Independent Counsel and the hypocritical fuck-monsters of the GOP - all pretty much got what they deserved. In so far as Clinton's passion for blowjobs was directly responsible for the election of George W. Bush and his monstrous reign of error, I suppose that you can argue that America itself was a victim as well, but the country sure enjoyed the spectacle while it lasted.
Miss Lewinsky was a good girl. She (and I hope that you forgive this unavoidable pun) strived mightily to keep her mouth shut. She perjured herself in the Paula Jones case to protect Mr. Bill and initially refused to cooperate with OIC. It was only after Kenn Starr threatened her and, it should be mentioned, her mother with decades in prison that she folded.
Monica was only an afterthought to Clinton. Even after he (sort of) admitted his wrongdoing on August 17, 1998, it still took him over a month for him to apologize to her, and he hasn't personally communicated his regrets to her to this day.
The only person who suffered at all was Monica Lewinsky and her life was thoroughly ruined. She was in debt to her lawyers to the tune of millions of dollars, left completely unemployable and unable to have a long-term romantic relationship. More than even Clinton, her name quickly became a national punchline. Worst of all, there's probably nobody in the world that can relate to her predicament. In almost every way you can imagine, she's alone.
And for what? Blowing a married man? Shit, everybody else in that story did far worse as a matter of daily routine before they were fully awake in the morning. And each and every fucking one of them managed to profit from the experience.
Her loyalty extended even to 2009, when she finally said in an e-mail interview for Ken Gormley's book The Death of American Virtue: Clinton vs. Starr (which I highly recommend) that the President continued to lie throughout the impeachment process.
Well, at long last, it's Monica's turn. She's shopping a book for $12 million (which, after adjusting for inflation, is about as much as Clinton got his singularly unreadable 2004 memoir.) And it promises to be humiliating for the former president and elder statesman.
Lewinsky never got explicit in past interviews about her Clinton encounters, but now plans to describe his “insatiable desire for three-way sex, orgies and the use of sex toys of all kinds,” one pal told the National Enquirer.
The purported details of the potentially embarrassing tome come after the Post’s Page Six reported last week that Lewinsky was shopping a tell-all to several publishers.
According to her friends, Lewinsky also will recount how Clinton referred to wife Hillary as a “cold fish” and “laughed” about their “non-existent sex life.”
She’ll also release love letters she wrote to Clinton.
“In them, she opened her heart about her love for Bill and how much happier she could make him,” said the source. “Some of what she wrote was so raw that she never sent them.”
You know what? I hope that she gets the full $12 million and that every man, woman and child in America buys the book, making her wealthy beyond her dreams.
Of everyone involved in the tawdry Clinton legacy, Monica Lewinsky was the only person even approaching innocence. Was she naive and perhaps even remarkably dumb? Sure, and I'm pretty sure that even she would tell you that. But people forget that she was a 22 year old girl at the time that she was involved with the most powerful man in the world, and she wound up having her life ground through the gears of the federal government for over a year. Miss Lewinsky did nothing that girls that age don't do each and every day and, for her trouble, she was bankrupted, personally destroyed and her reputation forever ruined. Everyone will forget that, say, Paris Hilton ever existed ten seconds after she dies, but Monica Lewinsky has to know that hundreds of years from now people will still be reading about her dalliances with Clinton.
No other presidential mistress in American history was exposed in real time. We only learned about the ones that we did long after it could do them real harm and, in most cases, after they were already dead. The most private moments of Monica's life were dragged into the daylight when she was just starting her adulthood and she's had to live with the devastating consequences of that ever since.
Can you even begin to imagine what that must be like? I certainly can't. Because of a purely private act in her very early 20s, Monica Lewinsky will soon enter her 40s and still have no real prospect of a career or a family of her own. For all anybody knows, she may still owe her lawyers money. Her legal fees must have been astronomical and, unlike Clinton, her earning potential was decimated. She made a few million in the aftermath of the fiasco, but I'd be surprised if it was enough to pay her bills and rebuild her life.
I know that I started this little article with innumerable blowjob jokes. That's because I'm a bad man and I couldn't help myself. But I have always felt a deep sympathy for Monica and always will. Yes, Bill Clinton and Kenneth Starr ruined her life, but all of us were joyous spectators in it. And she didn't do anything to deserve that. Her punishment couldn't have been more disproportionate to her supposed "crime."
They say that America is the land of second chances. Bill Clinton sure as hell got one. I couldn't be more sincere in hoping that Monica Lewinsky does, too. Few people probably deserve it more.
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