The University of Toronto's Department of Lifestyle Studies

A couple of weeks ago, in a review of Django Unchained, I said that " people who see politics in everything should probably be buried alive." Not only is that the truest thing I've ever written, it might be the truest thing written by anyone, ever!

You know what you should see politics in? Politics. Pretty much everything else should be apolitical. Modern politics is little more than an exercise in being deliberately dishonest or honestly idiotic. Watch cable news for an hour. Then watch an hour of cartoons. If you have a difficult time deciding which had more intellectual content, you aren't alone.

Look, I don't give a fuck about what Bono thinks about the issues, and I wish that he'd stop telling me. The only thing I want to know about him is whether or not he can put out another album as cool as Achtung Baby, and I'm pretty sure that he can't. Everybody knows what Ted Nugent thinks, but it's been at least thirty years since he's accomplished anything other than receive second-billing to a goddamned puppet show, so who gives a shit?

The very last thing that should be political is fucking, and there's no shortage of asexual political misfits on both sides insisting otherwise. An entire field of sexual politics has been defined by a group of people who nobody in their right mind would want to fuck in the first place. Ideally, politics involves great thought and deliberation, and the best sex usually happens when thinking ceases entirely. Whether they're on the left or the right, people who insist on combing sex and politics universally suck at both.

So it goes without saying that the Outrage Machine is going to go into overdrive about this story.

It’s being billed online as an epic student sex club adventure — and in other corners of the web, a student orgy.

The University of Toronto Sexual Education Centre (SEC) is kicking off its annual Sexual Awareness Week next Monday at Oasis Aqua Lounge, a downtown club that bills itself as a water-themed adult playground, where swingers are welcome and sex is allowed everywhere but the hot tub.

“U of T is holding an orgy, and you’re invited! You just need your student ID” one Reddit user posted in a University of Waterloo forum.

But not so fast!

“Our executive director made it very clear that this is not an orgy, we’re not funding an orgy,” says external education and outreach co-ordinator Dylan Tower, 22, as he sits inside the sixth-floor office of SEC. “People are allowed to have sex on premise … there is not any type of ‘You should be having sex when you’re here.’ It’s very much, come and enjoy the space, there’s no prodding or pushing in that direction.”

There are names for people who show up at orgies and don't fuck. "Perverts." And do you have any idea what it takes to be labelled a pervert at an orgy? You really, really don't want to know, but the process of finding out can be even more fun than you'd suspect.

 SEC has rented a downtown Toronto fuck club (because such things are legal in Canada), Oasis Aqualongue, out for the event.

Of course, if you're overly political, this is going to twist your titty in big, bad way. Shithead social conservatives are going to look for some idiotic "culture war" angle, and victimhood junkie liberals are going be in a desperate search for victims, if only because they need something to do between SlutWalks.

As you might expect, I have other concerns.

The group’s mission is to foster a sex-positive attitude in the greater U of T area, by offering information, programming, safer-sex supplies, and peer counselling in a welcoming environment. Their sexual awareness week includes a discussion on sex positivity, an interactive sex toy demonstration and an afternoon of pornography. The first event is the party at Oasis: the organization rented the club and lowered the price to $5 a person. (Admission for couples is normally $80.)

Tower said it is a safe and cheaper way to introduce curious students to the sex club scene in Toronto. The group plans to provide a “myriad of safer-sex supplies” so “everyone can be as safe as possible” and volunteers will circulate to “make sure everyone is respectful and having the best experience Oasis has to offer,” he posted online, addressing concerns.

We're all probably a lot better off if we don't discuss how I know how fuck clubs work, but there's one thing I need to share with you. If you have larger than average genitals, do not under any circumstances rely on their condoms. They only supply them in the "regular" (or as I like to call them, "pre-teen" size.) As you might might imagine, no good can come of that.

Actually, maybe not. If you really want to impress a group of potential paramours, try on one of the establishment's scumbags and watch the ladies' eyes widen in amazement when you snap it in half. Don't ask me how I know that'll happen, just know that I do. Your WonderWang will immediately become quite the conversation piece. There are few things as flattering as having your heroic girth becoming the talk of the town.

I'm also wary of any public sexual event that allows college -aged men to participate. I've discussed this with dozens and dozens of women over the years, and they are of the universal opinion that guys under 30 just don't know how to fuck. Not only do most of these whippersnappers need training wheels under their balls, adequate cunnilingus is well beyond their skill set. I'm shocked that more sexually mature girls don't scream at them to "get off of my lawn," so to speak.

Of course, younger women are no great help because they're singular failures in telling their partners what they want and how they want it done. Oh, they'll tell all of their friends how inadequate you are, and they'll eventually tell me. They just won't help you out when you need it most.

Higher education is supposed to be about exactly that: education. And there's just no way that a 20 year old with a football scholarship and a minor in date rape can be expected to know the intricacies of a Vietnamese spin-fuck chair. No 19 year former cheerleader knows what miracles occur when she tickles a man's perineum with the tip of her tongue.



These are things that take years of experience and experimentation. I'm all for "fostering a sex positive attitude," I just think it should be done properly. And that necessarily requires the presence of mature mentors. Just as you don't let first-year chemistry students dick around with the beakers without adult supervision, the same should be doubly true of their goodies.

Folks in their late teens and early twenties think sex is pretty awesome, but they don't have a fucking clue. Just as Dan Savage teaches us, albeit in a very different context, "It gets better." And, oh, it gets so much better.

Be that as it may, the endeavour is getting kudos from the academic community, as well it should.

Jocelyn Wentland, PhD student in the Human Sexuality Research Laboratory at the University of Ottawa, said the centre should be commended for “not hosting another ‘happy hour’ at the campus bar and doing something unique.”

“Young people often experiment with their sexuality, and we know that many young adults’ conceptualizations of what constitutes a ‘relationship’ has changed over the years. Recognizing those changes and offering mechanisms and events for young adults to self-express their sexual attitudes in a safe environment should be encouraged,” she wrote in an email. “It’s time that we recognize that not everyone is in heterosexual, monogamous, committed long-term relationships and nor does everyone wish to be.”

There comes a point in everyone's life when they realize that monogamous relationships are the very worst kind. No matter how wonderful your monogamous partner might be, it's virtual certainty that he or she doesn't have two tongues with which to lick your favourite no-no places in tandem. If they do, there's a very high probability that they're fucking radioactive.

As a blogger of international renown, I know a great deal about self-expression, and I'm here to tell you that it's never as satisfying as when you're blasting it all over the face and chest of someone you just met. Some of my greatest interpersonal relationships started exactly that way and I'm sure that many more will.

Tower says sex positivity is all about coexisting, and not having disagreements about what is morally right or appropriate.

“We just make sure that everyone, no matter what they’re into, can communicate about it, and have a great experience socially, without people being like, “You can't do that, that’s gross.”

Well, except for watersports. And poo-parties. Anything German is gross and I think we can all agree about that. But I'm getting beyond the point, aren't I?

Look, if U of T itself were paying for this, I might feel differently. But they aren't, so I don't give a shit. Besides, if more and younger women get involved in the lifestyle at an earlier age, the better the chances are that I'll run into them one good eve. And no one is more about helping young adults self-express their sexual attitudes more than I am. I'm pretty Christ-like that way.

And that should be enough reason for my friends on the left and the right to keep their busy yaps shut about this. But I can almost guarantee you that they won't. I'd put good money on the Canadian blogosphere going apeshit about this story by noon, mostly because the Canadian blogosphere is out to ruin my good time, the assholes.

If the University of Toronto wanted to accomplish something even more productive, they'd offer a course in How to Live Like a Real Man.