Some people think that Lindsay Lohan is just like Jesus, which only proves that some people are awfully fucking stupid. Lindsay is clearly better! Anyone who knows the story of the Passion knows that Jesus couldn't get away with shit. If being the Son of God means crucifixion instead of having to say that you're sorry, that's a job you can keep.La Lohan, on the other hand, gets away with everything. It's a beautiful thing to witness and reaffirms my belief that redheads with giant hooters are just above the law. I've seen it before, but sometimes you just need to have your faith reaffirmed.
The law thinks that just because Lindsay has a history of bizarre drunk-driving incidents and a tendency of being photographed with cocaine that she should go to jail. That's obviously bullshit for two reasons: First, the cocaine pictures were taken in France, which makes it okay. Second, no rational person thinks that redheads with great knockers should ever be sober.
Knowing that my case is bulletproof, the wrongheaded California courts sent my girl back to rehab before I could fully vindicate her. While I might not actually support terrorism, I certainly understand it a whole lot better than I did before the persecution of Lindsay Lohan.
But even in rehab, people can't stop fucking with her. For example, did you know that the Betty Ford Center frowns upon your going to a bar while in treatment? Well, I didn't and I can pretty much guarantee you that Ozzy Osbourne didn't, either. It seems perfectly natural to want to take the edge off of something as harrowing as rehab, at least if you're me, which is to say, right.
Even if I'm wrong, there's no need for the goddamned help to get all combative about it. Look, if someone wants a pee test, I'm pretty sure that the pee will still be there in the morning, after I've slept it off. Lindsay had exactly the right idea earlier this week. You know it, I know it, and most importantly, Jesus knows it. And it's His birthday, isn't it?
Lookee, if some Betty Ford busybody is going to get all up in your grill, you have the right to defend yourself. The bitch should consider herself lucky that the Second Amendment doesn't yet apply to rehab, which I believe violates the Founder's intent and the principle of judicial originalism. I'll have to get my best friend, Antonin Scalia, on that.
But nooooooooo, she had to go to the cops and TMZ. It turns out that one of the above is heavily frowned upon by the Betty Ford Center, and it isn't the part about the cops. As it happens, rehab values things like anonymity and confidentiality, even though everyone knows that Lindsay's been there for three months. So her antagonist got shitcanned today.
And that's how Lindsay Lohan saved Christmas.
Exciting Editorial Update: Now you can watch this post animated (and in slightly amended form) at my friend Skippy-san's place. You'll love it, although I'm not sure how I feel about being called a douchebag.
0 comments:
Post a Comment