Anne Hathaway and the Greatest Premiere of All

Before I saw a bootlegged copy of The Dark Knight Rises this summer, I had never seen an Anne Hathaway film. And in all honesty, seeing her in a tight leather body suit was one of the few things about that goddamn stupid Batman movie that didn't annoy the shit out of me. If I was armed and had to wait hours for a midnight screening of that dreck, I'd have probably started blasting at stuff twenty minutes in, too. There may not be much I admire about James Holmes, but I'm not going to quibble with his film criticism.

Just because I've never financially supported her career shouldn't be taken to mean that I don't dig Hathaway in a big, bad way. Because I do. There's just something about her that make my powerful loins boil, churn and yearn to be free.

She has a banging little body that she isn't shy about showing off and a really cute face. Some folks might think it's a flaw, but I love the fact that she has a huge mouth and applies lipstick in a way that makes me think of the Joker. That's not kinky, is it?

There's this porn star named Stoya who looks a lot like Anne (second link NSFW,) but she was thoroughly ruined by Marylin Manson, which disturbs me endlessly. So when I find myself celebrating her cinematic oeuvre with only one hand free, I like to pretend that it's Ms. Hathaway taking comically large men in her dumper. If you ever wondered how versatile a gentleman I am, wonder no more!

I'm rambling again, aren't I? Sadly, that happens sometimes.

Not only have I not read Les Miserables or seen the musical, I don't even know what it's about. I'm told it's about something French, but I'm of the unshakable opinion that everything I need to know about France is in Last Tango in Paris.

That being the case, I made the conscious decision to ignore everything about Les Miserables until the film died and went straight to hell. When Hugh Jackman was on 60 Minutes this past Sunday, I fell asleep in protest. Sure, there have been more demonstrative protests throughout history, but mine was just as effective, in it's own way.

Well, ignoring the dopey francophile spectacle may have been unwise on my part. Thankfully, the Goddamned Liberal Media was there to pick up what I missed.

Actress Anne Hathaway gave fans and photographers an eyeful on Monday after accidentally flashing her genitals as she arrived at the New York premiere of Les Miserables.

The newlywed was climbing out of her chauffeured car outside Manhattan's Ziegfeld Theatre when the slit in her gothic black dress revealed she had chosen to attend the screening without underwear.

As you know, I'm not a religious man. But there are things that are drilled into you as a child that you just can't shake, which is why even atheists scream "Oh God" when we're fucking. Anyhow, since before I could even walk, my parents wouldn't stop warning me that panties were a tool of Satan, and that no woman that wore them was a woman I should be with.

And you know what? They weren't wrong! In the research that I've compiled since the first grade, I've definitively concluded that the best women all go commando. That's just the natural order of things, and may the circle of life be unbroken.

Of course, Anne suggests that she's mortified by this, but not really.

Actress Anne Hathaway was "devastated" when she suffered a wardrobe malfunction and accidentally exposed her genitals at the New York premiere of her latest movie Les Miserables on Monday.

That's one way of looking at it, I suppose. But I'm internationally famous for being a "glass half-full" guy. So I just look at it as her having two premieres for the price of one. One for her movie and one for her cute little cooter! More people should look on the bright side of life, like I do.

Anne Hathaway, in doing just that, along with quite properly eschewing unmentionables, proves that she's the perfect woman!

She told Sischy, "I was getting out of the car and my dress was so tight that I didn't realize it until I saw all the photographers' flashes. It was devastating. They saw everything. I might as well have lifted up my skirt for them."

Despite her upset, editors at New York Post gossip column Page Six report that Hathaway later laughed off the incident after discovering the explicit photos had gone viral on the Internet, adding, "And I just thought, 'OK, where's the comedy?' It has hit. It has landed. A bomb has gone off. I think what I am going to do is whatever my next appearance is... I'm going to step out of the car in a blanket. You've got to laugh at it."

That's the spirit! And don't worry, Anne. You can always lift your skirt for the paparazzo at the opening of your next movie that I probably won't see!

Actually, that brings up a serious concern. The nature of show business is such that you always have top your last performance. And I'm not such a miserable bastard that I'd refuse aid to a damsel in obvious distress. As a Caring Person, I'm all about helping!

That's why I'm suggesting that Anne Hathaway arrive at her next premiere completely naked on a pogo stick.

Now that the idea's out there in the ether, I just hope that Lindsay Lohan doesn't steal it.


UPDATED: So Anne was apparently on the Today show this morning to briefly discuss our entirely reasonable preoccupation with her crotch. Unfortunately, all we learned is that Matt Lauer is a remarkably shitty journalist.

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How could Lauer let her get away with nonsense like this?

“It was obviously an unfortunate incident. I think — it kind of made me sad on two accounts. One, I was very sad that we live in an age when someone takes a picture of another person in a vulnerable moment and rather than delete it and do the decent thing, sells it. And I’m sorry that we live in a culture that commodifies sexuality of unwilling participants. Which brings us back to Les Mis because that is what my character is. She is someone forced to sell sex… So, yeah, let’s get back to Les Mis.”

Obviously, I should have conducted the interview because there's no way that I'd let a moronic statement like stand without a follow-up. I would start with this;

Me as Matt Lauer: Yeah, the commodification of sexuality is pretty sad. Hey, haven't you been in something like 15 movies and broken your funbags out in something like 12 of them?

Anne:  That's ... that's different. That's art and this is little more than my personal exploitation for a voyeuristic culture, and ..."

Me as Matt Lauer: Of course. Art! How could I forget?

Lemme get this straight, Sugar Tits, you went commando in high-cut dress knowing that you'd be getting out of an SUV in front of hundreds of photographers. Didn't you sunconsciously know that no one wants to see a flick about a singing French whore unless they got to check out the .. merchandise first?

Anne: I don't think that's appropriate. The audience understands the art!

Me as Matt Lauer: Of course they do. That's why Michael Bay is rich. Did your mother drink when she was pregnant?

Anne Hathaway pussy pic loving stolen from What Would Tyler Durden Do