Workin' on a Dream: On Celebrity Endorsements and the Idiots Who Give a Shit About Them

You know what? I was actually thrilled when Republicans took the position that celebrities should, in the words of idiot talk-show host Laura Ingrham, "Shut Up and Sing." As a matter of fact, I wouldn't have had too much of a problem with Republicans trying to commercially stomp to death people like Bill Maher and the goddamned Dixie Chicks if I didn't instinctively feel that they were insanely, cuntishly hypocritical.

All too often, the very same people who wanted the Dixie Chicks tried for treason just because they made an entirely reasonable remark on stage in London turned out to be the same shitheads who rushed to the defence of a has-been like Ted Nugent when he suggested that guns be put in the mouths of Democratic presidential candidate. It's also hard to forget that Andrew Breitbart became a celebrity for the sole purpose of telling other celebrities to shut the fuck up, while painting himself as "free speech warrior."

That hypocrisy was put in stark relief when Republican bloggers and Fox News shitheads were actually assaulting one another over who would give Clint Eastwood the sloppiest blowjob following his delusional incantation at this summer's Republican Convention.

Then there's the strange and sad case of Stacey Dash. In all honesty, I didn't even know what her name was until week when she endorsed Mitt Romney for president. I always just thought of her as "that super-fucking hot Black chick from Clueless." And I've never seen Clueless.

Now I know her name, but think of her as the super-fucking hot Black chick that was in Clueless and endorsed Mitt Romney. Oh, and I know that she's the new GOP blogger super-hero of the moment.

Do her political views make me want to see her movies any more or less? No, but only because I don't think I've seen a movie that she's been in in the first fucking place. As a matter of fact, I might want to eat her ass more than I used to because I at least know what her name is now, and I've usually (but not always) found that a helpful seductive tool. And, she has a magnificent ass, especially for a 45-year-old woman. That fucking thing is gorgeous!

Do I think that she deserved the supposed racial animus (and I say "supposed" because I can't be bothered looking it up, just like every other blogger that has written about it) that she received from liberals as a consequence of her blog endorsement? Obviously, I don't. If anything, cries of "racism!" are something that I see as cheap stunts from both sides of the spectrum  because they have little else to say. Moreover, they minimize the impact of the real racism that still exists. It's called the Law of Diminishing Returns. Look it up.

As I've said repeatedly, Republicans didn't discover racism until they invented Michael Steele and sexism only occurred to them when Sarah Palin fell into their throbbing little laps, as evidenced by all of the Hillary Clinton jokes that circulated for sixteen years, a number of which were actually funny. All things being equal, I'm amazed that they haven't turned a black female Mormon like Mia Love into a secular saint already, although I fully expect them to. And that would be even funnier because a statistical majority of Republicans don't recognise Mormons as Christian. At least not until they win an election.

Having said that, I think that Republicans are showing both their hypocrisy and their desperation when they go out of their way to fit Ms. Dash for a friggin' cape. They so want some taste of glimmer that they'll embrace a woman that may as well as have been in the Witness Protection Program for the last 18 years to get it. If you think that Republicans haven't gotten into the "identity politics" game, you're kidding yourselves.

Everything you need to know about celebrities is that they aren't all that different from race horses. They get famous because they work on one facet of their lives to the exclusion of everything else. They might very well win the Kentucky Derby, but they're just as likely to kick your balls off when they aren't running to the finish line.Just look to Lindsay Lohan as one example.

Anyone who expects celebrities to talk about anything other than what they do for a living without drooling on themselves might as well be drooling themselves, too.

Mediate's Andrew Kirell falls into this trap with his "Open Letter to Bruce Springsteen."

Dear Mr. Springsteen:

You disappoint me.

This is not some right-wing rant against “Hollyweird” liberals and their penchant for supporting President Obama and the Democratic Party. Your recent re-endorsement of President Barack Obama doesn’t offend me on its own — everyone saw it coming. But what offends me is what you are abandoning by diving headfirst into the endorsement game.

Let me explain:

Do you remember the speech you gave on nearly all 100 tour dates of the 2008 Magic tour? Lord knows I remember it, having seen you three times that year. Before each performance of “Livin’ in the Future,” you gave a little political rant. It went something like this:

“Over the past six years we have, unfortunately, had to add to the American picture: rendition, illegal wiretapping, rolling back of civil liberties, no habeas corpus if you’d like to defend yourself against charges brought against you. These are things that not only attack our Constitution but attack who we are and our very selves.”

Remember that? The song itself, you explained, was about sleeping through all those awful Bush-era changes: “We’re livin’ in the future and none of this has happened yet,” said the catchy chorus.
Except now we are livin’ in the future… and all of this is happening still.

By and large, President Obama has continued the George W. Bush-era policies of rendition (see here), illegal wiretapping (see, um… the PATRIOT Act renewal?), rolling back of civil liberties (NDAA, executive overreach, etc.), and other unsavory things like, you know, drone strikes that evaporate innocent civilians via remote control.

Bush was awful. I was with you on that one. Even though I am turned off when my favorite musicians use their concerts as a gigantic soapbox, I appreciated that you were at least ranting on behalf of civil libertarian values.

But now, after spending six years being the most outspoken musical advocate against Bush-era civil liberties encroachments, you openly endorse a man who has willingly continued these exact “un-American” policies?

Either you are a political fraud or just blinded by the light of partisanship.
Both possibilities are truly disappointing.

Look, I get it. By no means am I saying you should have endorsed Mitt Romney. For all we know, he would be even worse than Obama on these issues — especially given that his foreign policy advisement team is made up of Bush’s favorite circle of neocons. Yikes
.
Maybe you truly hesitated before making this official endorsement. Maybe you deliberated for hours and weighed the options: “Should I fully endorse the man who has, thus far, governed the exact opposite of my professed values? Or do I give a tepid endorsement that reflects my hesitance here?

Or do I endorse a third party? Or maybe I stay out of this race entirely?”

But I doubt it.

Again, I understand that no one can realistically expect you to show up to these Iowa and Ohio rallies and say something like: “Yeah! Woo! After much hesitation and doubt, I’ve made the tough decision to — despite a multitude of disappointments — endorse this president for re-election because he is the lesser of two evils in my mind! Woo! Yeah! Four more years!”

I guess I just naively expect that someone who used their multi-million-dollar stage as a soapbox to rail against such governmental abuses would feel enough conviction about those issues to remain consistent and principled.

Perhaps you could have endorsed someone like Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson or even Green Party candidate Jill Stein — both of whom espouse the exact views you spent years touting on tour. Or maybe you could have abstained altogether in order to send a powerful message.
Instead you’re just another cheerleader for those in power… when the power is in the hands of your preferred political party.

I hope you reconsider.

Sincerely,

Andrew Kirell
PS – All will be forgiven if you would just release the “Electric Nebraska” tapes.

There are any number of reasons that this letter is complete nonsense.

First, Bruce Springsteen is a partisan Democrat. He always has been and there's no reason to believe that he'll change his affiliation this late in life. Like almost every partisan voter out there, Springsteen is not unlike a trained dog. He barks, heels and rolls over just like he was trained to. And if you're reading partisan political blogs all day, you shouldn't feel all that superior to The Boss.

Second, Springsteen - like most celebrities - has very little to do with his own life. The reason that Joe Walsh's "Life's Been Good" was such a big hit was because it reflects the way those people actually live. They "have accountants to pay for it all." Stars structure their lives in such a way that they don't have to do anything other perpetuate what made them famous in the first fucking place. That's why they're always so shocked when they go broke. and that's why the rest of us laugh our asses off when they do.

If you really expect these people to be serious political philosophers, then you're even dumber than they are. If nothing else, they have very valid reasons for being wholly ignorant. All they have to do is write songs, play guitar, pretend to be someone else for a few months a year, or have a bangin' ass on them. You're at least supposed to be living in the real world.

If you relate to people like Bruce Springsteen or Stacey Dash in any way, you should probably be committed. And sterilized. It isn't their job to be "consistent and principled."

Third, rendition began under Clinton, not Bush. Christ, Mr. Bill was actually proud of this. Anyone that doesn't get that probably shouldn't be advising anyone how to vote.

Fourth, Nebraska is pretty much perfect the way it is. Releasing the electric demos would suck and ruin a great album. Who in the fuck would want Bruce to do such a thing and still consider himself sane? And anyone who would suggest such a thing is less worthy of being listened to on matters political than even Springsteen himself.

The worst part is that I actually agree with Mr. Kirell. If you want to affect real change, liberals should vote for the Greens and anyone who believes in anything other than a Big Jesus Government should vote for the Libertarians. The Democrats aren't liberal in any substantive way and anyone who thinks that the Republicans are the party of small government just hasn't been paying attention.

In the end, I think we should all come together in admiration of just how nice Stacey Dash's naked nipple looks and stop giving a shit about what she thinks. I\m more than a little disappointed that she isn't completely shaved, like all the best women are.