...When Hulkamania Runs Wild on Your Wife

Look, it seems perfectly natural to me that when you're in a bad mood, your friend's wife or girlfriend should carnally gratify you. This is especially true when you have a penis "the size of a thermos you'd find in a child's lunchbox." Don't ask me how I know that, just know that I do.

I figured that this was just one of the things that friends do for one another and that it happened every day. That's, as Dionne Warwick, Stevie Wonder, Elton John and Gladys Knight told us, what friends are for.

Apparently, I lead an ... unusual life, because that doesn't happen every day. At all. At least not if the furor surrounding the Hulk Hogan sex tape is to be believed.

I'm sure that you can all imagine my shock at this turn of events. After all, I'm internationally famous as a "glass-half-full" breed of cat and could hardly have expected everyone to be so uncivilized.

The Hulkster has had a hard time of it this past decade. He was married to a shrew, his son is a monster and I'm pretty sure that his daughter is a man. Worse, all of it was documented on reality TV until the family dissolved in a tawdry mess of acrimony, divorce, stupidity, prison and Brooke's recording career.

If, after all of that, the Artist Formerly Known as Terry Gene Bollea doesn't deserve to knock a piece off of his best friend's bangin' lil' wife, then none of us do. And some of us very much do deserve that, such as myself and Mel Gibson (and always before the jacuzzi, never after!) Christ, I'm constantly amazed that so many people don't appreciate the way the way the world really works.

I'm not going to lie to you good people, though. There were parts of the tape that confused me deeply. Such as Hogan's best friend being Bubba the Love Sponge, who is little more than an unfunny Howard Stern impersonator with an impressive talent for getting fired. I was also mystified as to how someone like that could marry a hot piece of ass like Heather, the Hulkster's paramour in the tape.

I was nothing less than shocked that a low quality black and white camera was employed to record the festivities. These are wealthy people and the video wasn't shot in 1986. Just how low-rent can you get? I always thought that white trash should be kept away from technology and now I know it.

And condoms? What the fuck is that supposed to be about? I thought these people were all friends!

If you're anything like myself and Hulk, there is literally no end to the issues that you have with prophylactic intercourse. First, they actually do cut down the sensation. Second, they're too small. I could start a completely separate blog devoted to nothing but stories about rubbers snapping in half as they try to envelop my mighty, mighty wang. Because I'm all about the scientific method, I'd like to recommend an experiment to you. Get a thermos from a child's lunchbox. Then try rolling a condom over it. Try not to do this in a schoolyard. It almost never ends well.

But this wasn't supposed to be about me, was it?

The bastards at Gawker only put up a heavily edited version of Hulkamania running wild all over Heather Clem, but they have a wildly entertaining description of the encounter.

It opens with Hulk Hogan performing oral sex on the woman as she lays on the bed. Then another man's voice can be heard from inside the room off-camera and both Hulk and the naked woman engage in idle chit-chat with the mystery man. Because the woman closely resembles Mrs. Clem, some have suggested that the voice of the mystery man is, in fact, Bubba the Love Sponge. If this is true, Bubba has no problem sharing his wife with his best friend.

"You guys do your thing," this man says. "I'll be in the office if you need me."

See, everybody's friends! And if friendship isn't about eating out your friend's wife until he decides to go to his office, I just don't know what is.

Hulk strips down. His tan line is exposed and his hairline is vulnerable and silly without the do-rag, but there is sex to be had regardless. Hulk must get hard, though, and the woman is eager to make that happen. Her fellatio is successful and Hulkamania is about to run wild on her but then his cell phone rings. He checks it because he thinks it might be his son, Nick. The ringtone on Hulk Hogan's phone is a song by his daughter, Brooke Hogan, called "About Us" featuring Paul Wall. He is a proud father.

There's so much wrong with that paragraph that I'm not even sure where to begin. So I won't.

He stands on the side of the bed and the woman scoots up from the pillows and resumes giving the former WWE heavyweight champion of the universe a blowjob. It is a slow, dutiful blowjob and Hulk is thrusting himself into her mouth to speed up the process. This goes on for a few minutes and at one point Hulk examines the canopy bed curtains in a way that suggests he'd like to purchase this particular style for his own canopy bed some day. She takes a break. She spits loudly. She resumes for a few seconds, but it appears the spit has worked because Hulk mutters something in a growly sex voice. The woman removes him from her mouth and spins around on the bed like an excited puppy. She stands. They grope each other and stare at each other. "What did you say?" she asks, laughing and tying up her hair in a pony tail. Then they both laugh because there was a miscommunication during the sex act and they don't want to feel awkward.

"You got a rubber? I want you to climb on top of me," Hulk repeats, but not as sexy as it was the first time, which she didn't hear. Yes, she does have a rubber. Then we watch Hulk stand up and clumsily attempt to roll a condom on to his erect penis which, even if it has been ravaged by steroids and middle-age, still appears to be the size of a thermos you'd find in a child's lunchbox. Hulk hurls his massive body on to the canopy bed and the woman climbs on top, finally, and they begin. There is lots of squealing and moaning from her and she says stuff like, "I want to make you cum" and, "Your dick feels so good inside me"—that sort of thing. There is light spanking from Hulk done to show he supports her efforts and is close to orgasming.

Then, Hulk grunts. Hulk grunts more. Then Hulk grunts like he's doing an impression of old Hulk Hogan grunting right before he's about to cum/come. Climax happens for both participants and they seem pleased with the results. The woman provides two tender kisses on Hulk's upper chest. Hulk says, "Mmmk," because he's a little bemused by the situation he finds himself in on this day as we'll soon find out. Here's how Hulk explains his reaction to the woman he just had sex with:

"The rubber almost came off," he says.

She's not concerned. "It did what it was supposed to."

Hulk thought that was funny and makes her repeat it.

Needless to say, what rubbers are "supposed to do" is evil and direct violation of God's Law. Jizz is an expression of love and, as such, is meant to fly freely, thickly coating everyone and everything within a three-mile radius, especially the much-admired canopy bed curtains.

If you're a worldly man and you want to buy pretty bedding without looking like a homosexualist, you batter and spoil it with your goo and offer to buy replacements. Then your sneakily buy a set for yourself. Not only do you get your gay accouterments, you appear gallant in the process! Jesus, am I the World's Last Ladies Man?

But this isn't supposed to be about me, is it?

She does so and then peels off the rubber from his penis and carries it away. She holds the condom full of Hulk jiz like it's a random dirty sock she found in the dryer. Hulk is still coming down from his orgasm and is making quick, loud Tony Soprano wheezes.

"Oh my god," he exhales. "Can't believe I have to drive back home. Fuuuuck."

The woman giggles, climbs back into bed with him and reminds Hulk that this is why he should move to this neighborhood. They engage in some cuddling for a couple minutes but Hulk does have to go because he has to go meet his son Nick who was presumably no longer in prison during the time this was filmed. Playful banter resumes amidst the afterglow. Hulk gets up naked and accepts the invitation from the woman to take a shower. But then he tells the woman that he's shocked that the fucking took place at all because he'd just eaten ten minutes before he got there and "felt like a pig." He had sashimi. He smacks his large stomach and makes his way to the shower.

Hulk begins to put on his clothes. "Bubba's shirt," he says when he puts on his shirt. He's pulling on his jeans one giant leg at a time, still mumbling. The woman is naked in bed and not at all concerned by his early exit. She does suggest that he go talk to the mystery man in the office before he leaves. But Hulk has to go meet his son Nick at midnight. Then Hulk tells a story about how Nick's new girlfriend has a twin sister who called Hulk on the phone. Hulk reveals that the young woman inquired about his divorce and, if that's true, she would like to be the first to go out with him.

Hulk sits on the bed and puts on his socks. "You're a hot commodity," the woman says to Hulk. "Yeah, right. Huh," Hulk says.

Even Hulk Hogan needs to be told he's handsome sometimes.

Everybody needs to feel pretty. God knows I do.

It also strikes me as appropriate that the Hulkster wore Bubba's shirt after fucking Bubba's wife. After all, friendship runs both ways, doesn't it? On the other hand, wearing a Bubba the Love Sponge t-shirt probably isn'r the best way to fuck girls the same age as your own children. But I don't think that overpriced Ed Hardy horseshit is the way to go either, and the assholes who wear that seem to get laid all the time, so what the fuck do I know?

Forget everything that your parents told and what you read on coffee mugs. Apparently all is not well that ends well. As it happens, Hogan is suing everybody in sight over the release of his fuck tape for $100 million, including Bubba, Heather and Gawker. He broke out his formal black t-shirt and bandanna for the occasion, just so you know he's as serious as cancer.

And that might be the silliest little lawsuit of ever. Firstly, do you think that either Bubba or Clem has a $100 million? I don't. And since Hulk loosely fits the definition of a "celebrity," there's no way that he wins against Gawker. He. his thermos-sized cock and their shenanigans are loosely defined as "newsworthy" and therefore covered under the First Amendment. If you don't believe me, ask Tommy Lee.

And for $100 million, he should've at least gotten her ass. If the Hulkster has any cause for complaint here, it's that. Oh, and that he only lasted for less than half an hour. What the fuck is that about? Why else would you say your prayers and take your vitamins unless you were going to fuck for at least three hours? Seems like a waste of my time to me.

But this wasn't supposed to be about me, was it?

In the end, I just want to know when a little wife-swapping became such a big fucking deal. Jesus, it's as if some people lived right through the 1970s and didn't learn a goddamn thing.