Only the Republicans could see a discredited hack from twenty years ago and say, "Newt Gingrich? Why not?" For all of the folks on the right that have devoted their lives to defending her, I have yet to see one of them say that Michele Bachmann doesn't actually look crazy. In an election year that should be dominated by the economy, Rick Santorum can't stop lovingly describing his jihad against rubbers, pornography and, yes, even amniocentesis.
It's almost as if the GOP is deliberately throwing this election. Their hatred of Obama is so strong that they seem intent on condemning him to govern America as it declines into an irreversible morass of bankruptcy and stupidity. The only way the fix could be more clearly in is if they had a brokered convention and nominated George Zimmerman to run against the First Black President.
But the single most fascinating figure of the last year is Herman Cain. A more anonymous and singularly unqualified candidate is hard to come by, which explains why the Tea Party crowd fell instantly in love with him. A pizza man with a penchant for poontang, Cain achieved two things previously thought impossible: making Rick Perry look smart and Newt seem dignified. Amid multiple reports of sexual harassment and extramarital affairs, Cain took to campaigning in a pimp hat.
While he was always a cute haircut and an unwanted pregnancy away from being John Edwards, there was no previous indication that Mr. Cain was actually mentally ill. But the times, as Bob Dylan constantly reminds us, they are a-changin'.
His suspended presidential campaign has morphed, Kafka-like, into a PAC called Sick of Stimulus, which is running the single most hallucinatory ads in the entire history of politics.
Gadfuckingzooks! What in Christ's holy name is that?
Let's see if I understand this. Small business, which fast food mogul and mega-lobbyist Herman Cain has no direct experience with, is like a bunny rabbit that is launched into the heavens and blasted apart by a shotgun-wielding nerd. A creepy little girl, who would be perfect for a remake of The Exorcist, is considerate enough to ask if we have any questions. We then see Cain in a sweater vest on a cliff.
The best part of this nightmarish freakshow follows the final dissolve, when we are asked to help create S.O.S's next ad. Being nothing if not helpful, I'm fucking in!
We open on a tight shot of a hobo, naked, but for a ball gag and pair of torn fishnets. His eyes shift back and forth across the screen, showing his obvious terror. The creepy little girl intones off camera, "This is the federal budget."
As the camera pans out, we see the geek in the Buddy Holly glasses brandishing a straight-razor. Creepy little girl appears to the hobo's left, and she says "This is the federal budget under the current administration."
The nerd then carves a swastika into the hobo's forehead and a giant pentagram in his chest. Before the hobo can try to scream around the ball gag, the geek slashes his throat with the straight razor, an erection clearly visible in his Dockers.
Smash cut to the girl, who now has specks of blood on the right side of her face. She asks "Any questions?" The camera pans down to the blood pooling around her feet. On the left hand side of the shot, we see fishnet-clad male foot twitching. The camera pans back up to the girl's face and she repeats without any indication of human emotion at the horror that surrounds her, "Any questions?" The nerd stands behind her, panting, his hard-on even more pronounced and straining against his flies.
We fade to black and dissolve into the sweater-vest wearing Herman Cain on a cliff with the Sick of Stimulus logo emblazoned on the sky, the sun setting in the azure sky behind it.
Wow, I could do this all day! Not because I'm a twisted fuck, mind you. That's silly. I'm just that interested in fiscal policy.
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