I can't say that I've wanted to sodomize many decapitated corpses in my life but, for a few brief months, I was willing to make an exception for Heidi Montag. Unfortunately, she's such a worthless waste of fucking skin that she had to ruin even that for me. To say that I resent this is a monumental understatement.I'm blessed to be old enough to have gone through most of my life not knowing who Ms. Montag and her bizarrely asexual husband, Spencer Pratt were. Not being a a maven of scripted "reality" TV, I have never seen The Hills, and that seemed to make everyone happy. I wouldn't go go so far as to say that it was a beautiful life, but it was enough for me.
All that I really knew about Ms. Montag and Mr. Pratt was that they were vapid television personalities who were rewarded far beyond their actual worth, and whose support for John McCain's presidential campaign embarrassed me even more than even John McCain and Sarah Pailn already had.
Whenever I saw Heidi, I struck by how obnoxiously ordinary the woman was. As a connoisseur of women, I can tell you that that I've had about a dozen regular commenters over the years that I would I would step on Heidi's face to have sex with. However, the Goddamned Liberal Media insisted that that she was something other than someone other than a treadmill to run over on my way to more fetching women, which undermined my faith in the human condition itself.
Is that brutal and wrong? Surely it is. But as Donald Rumsfeld said, "it is what it is." To paraphrase the second-longest tenured secretary of defense, you don't think with the penis you want, you think with the penis you have. Am I ashamed of that? Not really, but I encourage your delusion that I'm a better man than I really am.Then, almost out of the blue, things had changed. Heidi had twelve serious and painful plastic surgeries, which made her among the most fascinating people alive today. Her breaks exploded with a new and wonderful fakeness that couldn't be ignored by any rational man, and her back was scooped in a way that made her previously ordinary ass look delectable. Her rather unfortunate skull remained, but a man can't ask for everything, now can he. All in all, the transformation was a hearty testament to the miracles of modern medicine.
Almost immediately thereafter, Montag petitioned the courts to end her entirely contrived reality show marriage. And then the story broke that her ex-husband is shopping a fuck tape featuring Heidi both before and after her Frankenstein-like transformation. Included for your viewing pleasure is a lesbo tryst with Playboy playmate Karissa Shannon, because if there's one thing everyone should see before we die, it's Heidi Montag eating out a playmate's ass as Spencer Pratt operates the camera, weeping and masturbating furiously.
Heidi is pretending to be outraged at the pending release of the tape, and not doing a particularly good job of it. For that matter, so is Karissa Shannon.
Of course, this is the most contrived scandal in human history, one that's built entirely on a bedrock of lying and other tomfoolery. You see, if you don't want your fuck tape to be sold in the United States, it isn't. Not only is the unauthourized release of such material a serious tort, there are federal criminal laws that cover such an eventuality, as What Would Tyler Durden Do reminds us.
USC 2257 makes it virtually impossible for celebrities to be outraged over the release of their private moments for fun and profit. If you don't sign the release and provide documentation proving your age, your fuck tape never sees the light of day. Period. Steve Hirsch and the folks at Vivid aren't stupid, and probably aren't inclined to spend 10 years in the federal pokey, just so you can see Hedi Montag fucking ... especially before her plastic surgery. Montag's shame, like the rest of her, is entirely manufactured.
Now Heidi is upping ante in her bid to convince me that she's history's greatest monster. She's openly musing about having her transcendental DDD breast implants removed because of some ridiculous desire to "live an everyday life." This means that she's either deliriously dumb or blindingly dishonest. Women don't get big, fake jugs to live an everyday life, and the assertion that they do is spectacularly silly. They do it so men will love them, which we almost always do. Most people toil, save and sacrifice to buy a house. Huge faux cans is the single most effective way of circumventing that nonsense, all of which is even less fun than it sounds.
An "everyday life", as just about everyone reading this knows, is a giant pain in the ass and best avoided. Having your tight little body surgically enhanced is the perfect way of avoiding that. You and your awesome new cans will enjoy a very nice home for free, and all you'll have to do is get sodomized regularly and occasionally have one of your girlfriends come over to help you polish the knob of the poor bastard that made it all possible. Why in the fuck would Heidi Montag want an "everyday life" when she currently enjoys the perfect life? Her argument is so surreal that it's actually making me dizzy, and just after I got rid of my fainting couch.
Sure, I'm almost certain that she's lying. But there's also the possibility that she isn't. Women do things that confound and anger rational people all the time. Some actually refuse to get giant new jugs or have their friends help them blow me. It's an outrage that I don't think I'll ever understand, but it is what it is.
In that case, I don't think that the government has any option but to deport Heidi Montag to Iran and have her stoned to death. The mullahs might be reluctant to take her, but that's nothing a few hundred grams of weapons-grade uranium can't fix.
Ultimately, that's why you folks read me so regularly. I have all the answers to life's problems.
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