Kim Kardashian is a Know-It-All

I really hadn't paid much attention to Kim Kardashian until I downloaded a video of her showering affection upon the formidable wang of Ray J. At that point, I began paying a lot of attention to her. I'm funny that way.

Well, that's not entirely true. I knew about Kim because I was familiar with her late father, Robert. You see, I spent my twenties as something of an aficionado of the O.J Simpson double murder case. Although it didn't receive much in the way of media attention, you might have heard about it.

After the police were finished questioning the Juice about how Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman might have ended up with their throats inside-out, the Juice moved into Casa Kardashian until the cops were ready to lay charges.

When Simpson was supposed to surrender, he led the police on the now-famous "slow-speed chase. As the the Bronco traversed Los Angeles and Orange County, Bobby Kardashian read the suicide note-award show acceptance speech that O.J left behind to the assembled media.

There was one small problem. It was thought that Simpson uttered a spontaneous confession to Kardashian between the time of the murders and his capture at his Rockingham address. So O.J did what anybody would do, he hired Kardashian as a part of his legal team, even though Robert hadn't practiced in years and his licence had actually expired. If you're ever looking for a way to get away with murder, that's as successful as any.

However, I hadn't really cared about Kim all that much. Sure, I knew she had a cute face, spectacular jugs, and a giant (yet still remarkably tight-looking) posterior. But it wasn't really love until the friendly pornographers at Vivid Video released Kim Kardashian Superstar three years ago.


It was at that moment that I decided that I wanted to be an anonymous R&B singer with a giant putz when I grow up. They seem to have nice lives.

Kim seems to have a pretty good time of it, too. Not for her the daily Kafka-esque existence that most of us unsuccessfully toil to survive. I swear to God, if I don't stop turning into a giant bug every morning, I just don't know what I'm going to do.

Even though no one has managed to figure out what she actually does for a living, men everywhere want to roughly shove themselves inside of Kim Kardashian and women want to be her.

However, because she's made almost entirely of pure evil, Miss Kardashian employs Twitter to ruin everyone's dreams.

Kim Kardashian begged a fan not to follow through on plans to undergo massive plastic surgery in order to look like the reality TV star.

“I’m getting head 2 toe plastic surgery nxt week 2 look like @kimkardashian so my husband won’t leave me,” tweeted the woman. “He worships her.”

Kardashian saw the message and retweeted it with “NO.”

She continued to try to change the fan’s mind, pleading, “Pls dont. Ur husband should love u 4 who u are! Don’t try 2 b someone else. Im sure u are beautiful inside &out. Just as you are.”

“Don’t change yourself for anybody but yourself…be happy with who u are!” concluded Kardashian. “Someone will appreciate and adore u just as you are.”

Kim has it all, so I have no idea why she has to lie like that. Does she actually get some kind of thrill destroying the marriages of her Twitter followers. It just doesn't make any sense.

I suppose that the woman in question's husband should love her for who she is, but he pretty clearly doesn't. He, like most right-thinking gentlemen in Western society, appreciates and adores Kim Kardashian instead. Sadly, the likelihood that Kim will take up with an unemployed steelworker from Akron without an NFL contract appears rather small because life is deeply, deeply unfair.

But is the woman a mopey housefrau about it? No, instead she's a problem-solver! She knows what's required to keep her man and she confronts the situation head-on with "head 2 toe plastic surgery." That's pretty admirable, when you sit down and think about it.

But Kardashian had to go and ruin it. Moreover, she ruined it on mere assumptions. The tweeter at issue might very well be "beautiful inside &out. Just as she is.” But she might not be. She could, in fact, be a doppelganger of Rosie O'Donnel with the soul of, say, Rosie O'Donnell. Or Hitler. The point is that if I don't know that, I'm reasonably certain that Kim doesn't. But I'm pretty sure that the woman and her husband do.

It's just as likely that the woman's husband does leave her for somebody that will get the surgery, and Miss Kardashian's newly single interlocutor starts a daytime talk show, blogs incomprehensible left-wing poetry, and takes over Germany. By the time Jews start dying in large numbers, it'll be too late.

Yes, it's possible that someone will appreciate and adore her just as she is. But it's just as possible that she's a genocidal monster with an unhealthy Tom Cruise fixation and a problem with Barbara Walters, and no one else will ever love her, triggering an entirely preventable human tragedy of unknown dimensions.

Like Kim, I don't know what the truth really is or what the consequences could be. Unlike Kim, I would have chosen to err on the side of caution and been supportive of the woman's adventures in cosmetic ass-enlargement. And in doing so, I probably would have saved a marriage and perhaps innumerable lives.

In a roundabout way, that's why Kim Kardashian needs more of me in her life. I'm just to wise too live without. Girls who live in bikinis can't be expected to know everything, whereas I can.