Consumer Suggestions: The Shake Weight

Anyone who knows me can tell you the deep appreciation I have for physical fitness. For example, I have personally mastered every sport that somehow involves cigarettes, Guinness, syringes and fucking. Not that I want to brag, but I look awesome without a shirt.

Being such an expert on exercise, I try my best to look out for you folks, sort of like a sexy, sexy Bill O'Reilly. And from time to time, I see a product that could very well make you as amazing as I am.

Which brings me to the Shake Weight.




Now, if I know anything about exercise - and I know everything there is to know - it's that there actually is such a thing as overdoing it. Over-working your muscles can permanently damage them. Especially for girls. They are, after all, the fairer sex.

That's what makes the Shake Weight problematic. There's no mechanism that tells a young lady when she's working too hard. While she might enjoy "feeling the burn", that should only be a temporary thing. Take it from me, ladies: No man wants an overly muscular crippled broad on his arm.

If the Shake Weight was a truly responsible product, there would be some kind of alarm in it that alerts a woman that she's been using it too long and risks serious injury. Maybe a stream of liquid that spurts out and hits her in the face after, say, ten minutes. That's about all you need for a healthy workout.

But the commercials sure are fun to watch.