Haiti is the most tragic place on earth and it pretty much always has been. If you've ever wondered just how much deprivation, hunger and terror the human spirit can withstand, there are few places as well suited to that investigation as is Haiti.
After being won by the French from the Spanish in the Treaty of Ryswick in 1697, Haiti was established as a slave colony until the Haitian Revolution of 1791-1804. It remains the only nation in human history founded as a result of a slave revolt.
And that's when the country's problems really began. Being former slaves, the Haitians were almost uniformly illiterate and unable to manage much of anything, and Haiti quickly descended into chaos. The French attempted to reconquer the country in 1825 and withdrew only after exacting crushing reparations to recognize Haitian independence.
That would be inconvenient, but not overly damaging, if Haiti was able to engage in international trade. That was problematic in that the economic power closest to Haiti, the United States, was still rather enamoured with slavery and refused to recognize the former slave state at all, lest it send the wrong message to its own slaves. Haiti remained indentured to France until 1932.
Of course, no country's misery is complete without political strife. In it's 206 years of existence, Haiti has 32 coups. A country that cannot keep a stable government for more than seven years at a time isn't going to progress very far. Just as was the case in 1804, poverty and illiteracy is endemic in Haiti.
That was true before the January earthquake that killed a quarter of a million people and it will likely be true long afterward. It isn't going to take a mere genius to turn Haiti around, it will take a miracle worker.
Instead, they might very well end up with Wyclef Jean.
Here's all you need to know about 'Clef. He couldn't manage Lauryn Hill. Something tells me that won't be able to manage a country that's been on the verge of disaster since the second it was founded.
Next.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Wyclef Jean Doesn't Think Things Through
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Kim Kardashian is a Know-It-All
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I really hadn't paid much attention to Kim Kardashian until I downloaded a video of her showering affection upon the formidable wang of Ray J. At that point, I began paying a lot of attention to her. I'm funny that way.
Well, that's not entirely true. I knew about Kim because I was familiar with her late father, Robert. You see, I spent my twenties as something of an aficionado of the O.J Simpson double murder case. Although it didn't receive much in the way of media attention, you might have heard about it.
After the police were finished questioning the Juice about how Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman might have ended up with their throats inside-out, the Juice moved into Casa Kardashian until the cops were ready to lay charges.
When Simpson was supposed to surrender, he led the police on the now-famous "slow-speed chase. As the the Bronco traversed Los Angeles and Orange County, Bobby Kardashian read the suicide note-award show acceptance speech that O.J left behind to the assembled media.
There was one small problem. It was thought that Simpson uttered a spontaneous confession to Kardashian between the time of the murders and his capture at his Rockingham address. So O.J did what anybody would do, he hired Kardashian as a part of his legal team, even though Robert hadn't practiced in years and his licence had actually expired. If you're ever looking for a way to get away with murder, that's as successful as any.
However, I hadn't really cared about Kim all that much. Sure, I knew she had a cute face, spectacular jugs, and a giant (yet still remarkably tight-looking) posterior. But it wasn't really love until the friendly pornographers at Vivid Video released Kim Kardashian Superstar three years ago.
It was at that moment that I decided that I wanted to be an anonymous R&B singer with a giant putz when I grow up. They seem to have nice lives.
Kim seems to have a pretty good time of it, too. Not for her the daily Kafka-esque existence that most of us unsuccessfully toil to survive. I swear to God, if I don't stop turning into a giant bug every morning, I just don't know what I'm going to do.
Even though no one has managed to figure out what she actually does for a living, men everywhere want to roughly shove themselves inside of Kim Kardashian and women want to be her.
However, because she's made almost entirely of pure evil, Miss Kardashian employs Twitter to ruin everyone's dreams.
But Kardashian had to go and ruin it. Moreover, she ruined it on mere assumptions. The tweeter at issue might very well be "beautiful inside &out. Just as she is.” But she might not be. She could, in fact, be a doppelganger of Rosie O'Donnel with the soul of, say, Rosie O'Donnell. Or Hitler. The point is that if I don't know that, I'm reasonably certain that Kim doesn't. But I'm pretty sure that the woman and her husband do.
It's just as likely that the woman's husband does leave her for somebody that will get the surgery, and Miss Kardashian's newly single interlocutor starts a daytime talk show, blogs incomprehensible left-wing poetry, and takes over Germany. By the time Jews start dying in large numbers, it'll be too late.
Yes, it's possible that someone will appreciate and adore her just as she is. But it's just as possible that she's a genocidal monster with an unhealthy Tom Cruise fixation and a problem with Barbara Walters, and no one else will ever love her, triggering an entirely preventable human tragedy of unknown dimensions.
Like Kim, I don't know what the truth really is or what the consequences could be. Unlike Kim, I would have chosen to err on the side of caution and been supportive of the woman's adventures in cosmetic ass-enlargement. And in doing so, I probably would have saved a marriage and perhaps innumerable lives.
In a roundabout way, that's why Kim Kardashian needs more of me in her life. I'm just to wise too live without. Girls who live in bikinis can't be expected to know everything, whereas I can.
Well, that's not entirely true. I knew about Kim because I was familiar with her late father, Robert. You see, I spent my twenties as something of an aficionado of the O.J Simpson double murder case. Although it didn't receive much in the way of media attention, you might have heard about it.
After the police were finished questioning the Juice about how Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman might have ended up with their throats inside-out, the Juice moved into Casa Kardashian until the cops were ready to lay charges.
When Simpson was supposed to surrender, he led the police on the now-famous "slow-speed chase. As the the Bronco traversed Los Angeles and Orange County, Bobby Kardashian read the suicide note-award show acceptance speech that O.J left behind to the assembled media.
There was one small problem. It was thought that Simpson uttered a spontaneous confession to Kardashian between the time of the murders and his capture at his Rockingham address. So O.J did what anybody would do, he hired Kardashian as a part of his legal team, even though Robert hadn't practiced in years and his licence had actually expired. If you're ever looking for a way to get away with murder, that's as successful as any.
However, I hadn't really cared about Kim all that much. Sure, I knew she had a cute face, spectacular jugs, and a giant (yet still remarkably tight-looking) posterior. But it wasn't really love until the friendly pornographers at Vivid Video released Kim Kardashian Superstar three years ago.
It was at that moment that I decided that I wanted to be an anonymous R&B singer with a giant putz when I grow up. They seem to have nice lives.
Kim seems to have a pretty good time of it, too. Not for her the daily Kafka-esque existence that most of us unsuccessfully toil to survive. I swear to God, if I don't stop turning into a giant bug every morning, I just don't know what I'm going to do.
Even though no one has managed to figure out what she actually does for a living, men everywhere want to roughly shove themselves inside of Kim Kardashian and women want to be her.
However, because she's made almost entirely of pure evil, Miss Kardashian employs Twitter to ruin everyone's dreams.
Kim Kardashian begged a fan not to follow through on plans to undergo massive plastic surgery in order to look like the reality TV star.
“I’m getting head 2 toe plastic surgery nxt week 2 look like @kimkardashian so my husband won’t leave me,” tweeted the woman. “He worships her.”
Kardashian saw the message and retweeted it with “NO.”
She continued to try to change the fan’s mind, pleading, “Pls dont. Ur husband should love u 4 who u are! Don’t try 2 b someone else. Im sure u are beautiful inside &out. Just as you are.”
“Don’t change yourself for anybody but yourself…be happy with who u are!” concluded Kardashian. “Someone will appreciate and adore u just as you are.”
Kim has it all, so I have no idea why she has to lie like that. Does she actually get some kind of thrill destroying the marriages of her Twitter followers. It just doesn't make any sense.
I suppose that the woman in question's husband should love her for who she is, but he pretty clearly doesn't. He, like most right-thinking gentlemen in Western society, appreciates and adores Kim Kardashian instead. Sadly, the likelihood that Kim will take up with an unemployed steelworker from Akron without an NFL contract appears rather small because life is deeply, deeply unfair.
But is the woman a mopey housefrau about it? No, instead she's a problem-solver! She knows what's required to keep her man and she confronts the situation head-on with "head 2 toe plastic surgery." That's pretty admirable, when you sit down and think about it.
I suppose that the woman in question's husband should love her for who she is, but he pretty clearly doesn't. He, like most right-thinking gentlemen in Western society, appreciates and adores Kim Kardashian instead. Sadly, the likelihood that Kim will take up with an unemployed steelworker from Akron without an NFL contract appears rather small because life is deeply, deeply unfair.
But is the woman a mopey housefrau about it? No, instead she's a problem-solver! She knows what's required to keep her man and she confronts the situation head-on with "head 2 toe plastic surgery." That's pretty admirable, when you sit down and think about it.
But Kardashian had to go and ruin it. Moreover, she ruined it on mere assumptions. The tweeter at issue might very well be "beautiful inside &out. Just as she is.” But she might not be. She could, in fact, be a doppelganger of Rosie O'Donnel with the soul of, say, Rosie O'Donnell. Or Hitler. The point is that if I don't know that, I'm reasonably certain that Kim doesn't. But I'm pretty sure that the woman and her husband do.
It's just as likely that the woman's husband does leave her for somebody that will get the surgery, and Miss Kardashian's newly single interlocutor starts a daytime talk show, blogs incomprehensible left-wing poetry, and takes over Germany. By the time Jews start dying in large numbers, it'll be too late.
Yes, it's possible that someone will appreciate and adore her just as she is. But it's just as possible that she's a genocidal monster with an unhealthy Tom Cruise fixation and a problem with Barbara Walters, and no one else will ever love her, triggering an entirely preventable human tragedy of unknown dimensions.
Like Kim, I don't know what the truth really is or what the consequences could be. Unlike Kim, I would have chosen to err on the side of caution and been supportive of the woman's adventures in cosmetic ass-enlargement. And in doing so, I probably would have saved a marriage and perhaps innumerable lives.
In a roundabout way, that's why Kim Kardashian needs more of me in her life. I'm just to wise too live without. Girls who live in bikinis can't be expected to know everything, whereas I can.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Bryan McFayden is a Very Professional Broadcaster
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The first thing that you need to know about this story is that the Toronto Star is wrong about everything. I mean, the Goddamn Liberal Media is wrong about everything, but the Star is even more wrong than most. Which is why they happen to be Canada's largest circulation newspaper.
Secondly, somehow the idea has gotten out there that television celebrity interviewers are supposed to be smart. Celebrities are almost uniformly morons, but the people who make their livings asking them sycophantic questions are supposed to be geniuses. Go figure.
Third, and most importantly, I would really like to fuck Mad Men's Christina Hendricks. And by "really" I mean to say "More than anything I've ever wanted in my life. I only saw Mad Men for the first time a couple of weeks ago and I found myself growing more and more furious that she wasn't in it enough. If that show was nothing more than Christina Hendricks wearing a bra and panties and bouncing up and down on a trampoline for an hour, it would make everything that sucks about television worthwhile.
Some gentlemen will tell you that they're put off by the fact that Christina's head looks too small for what is easily the greatest body off all time, but those aren't gentlemen at all. they're probably pedophiles. Pedophiles who just don't understand that some bodies are just too fantastic to be balanced out by a normal human skull. Kidfuckers tend to like giant skulls on tiny bodies, after all.
In a roundabout way, this brings us to KTLA's Bryan McFayden. Mr. McFayden is the rarest of journalist beasts - a celebrity interviewer that isn't a broad or an overly pronounced homosexualist.
So it seemed natural that he interviewed Ms. Hendricks this morning. Unlike the elitists at the Star, I think it went well.
You watch the clip and tell me otherwise.
I've never been to journalism school, which is why I'd be even better at conducting an interview like this one. If Christina Hendricks was less than three feet away from me and mentioned taking a bath, I'd immediately begin imagining her with clothes (or pubic hair.) And before long I'd be masturbating so furiously that they'd have to clear the studio, lest everyone be drowned in the resulting tidal waves of my goo.
Now you might say that it would be a display of the most dramatic lack or professionalism in the history of broadcasting, and you might be right. But it would also be as romantic as hell. No woman that has seen that has been able to resist it.
So I might lose a career, but I would gain Christina Hendricks.
Waitasecond, this post wasn't supposed to be about me, was it?
Secondly, somehow the idea has gotten out there that television celebrity interviewers are supposed to be smart. Celebrities are almost uniformly morons, but the people who make their livings asking them sycophantic questions are supposed to be geniuses. Go figure.
Third, and most importantly, I would really like to fuck Mad Men's Christina Hendricks. And by "really" I mean to say "More than anything I've ever wanted in my life. I only saw Mad Men for the first time a couple of weeks ago and I found myself growing more and more furious that she wasn't in it enough. If that show was nothing more than Christina Hendricks wearing a bra and panties and bouncing up and down on a trampoline for an hour, it would make everything that sucks about television worthwhile.
Some gentlemen will tell you that they're put off by the fact that Christina's head looks too small for what is easily the greatest body off all time, but those aren't gentlemen at all. they're probably pedophiles. Pedophiles who just don't understand that some bodies are just too fantastic to be balanced out by a normal human skull. Kidfuckers tend to like giant skulls on tiny bodies, after all.
In a roundabout way, this brings us to KTLA's Bryan McFayden. Mr. McFayden is the rarest of journalist beasts - a celebrity interviewer that isn't a broad or an overly pronounced homosexualist.
So it seemed natural that he interviewed Ms. Hendricks this morning. Unlike the elitists at the Star, I think it went well.
Brian McFayden, the only man among the four hosts interviewing her, asks Hendricks where she was when she heard about her recent nomination for an Emmy Award.That isn't death, and the suggestion that it is only proves that Cathal Kelly doesn't know anything about anything, just like most people who spent years in journalism school. If anything, McFayden was as cold a professional as could be expected under the circumstances. People think that interviewing red-haired girls with unnaturally big tits is easy, but it could be the hardest thing a broadcaster can do. That's why you never saw cowards like Cronkite or Murrow doing it.
“I had to be at work really, really early that morning so I was running my bath,” Hendricks starts off. At this point, McFayden can’t be seen. Based on what takes place subsequently, he may have been in the process of fainting.
Hendricks moves on. The three other hosts – young women – get their chance to ask questions.
A minute and 15 seconds later, the inevitable subject of Hendricks’ va-va-voom proportions pops up. And McFayden, unwisely, decides to jump back in.
“I was just going to say that,” he starts excitedly – the first sign of trouble.
“I wasn’t going to be like, oh, I’m hitting on you, but no, you’ve got an amazing body . . .”
Hendricks has presumably been in this awkward spot before. She can see the train wreck approaching, with McFayden wearing the conductor’s cap. She tries to steer him off with a lame joke. He can’t stop himself.
“I’m saying you’re a beautiful woman . . .”
Oh God.
“And like, the bath” – and here the connection between McFayden’s brain and his tongue becomes completely severed – “I mean, um mm, the way you made, and um …”
Nice.
“I’m stumbling on my words,” McFayden says, fanning himself with his notes, while Hendricks watches him sympathetically.
“No, what I’m trying to say is that you were drawing a bath? You were making a bath for yourself?”
The sympathy is draining out of Hendricks’ expression.
“And I was just thinking” – and here, a terrible awareness suffuses the tone of McFayden’s voice. He knows he will never be able to live down what he’s about to say next, but he can’t stop himself – “Wow, that’s awesome.”
This, for one delicious instant, is pure death. Pure, awesome, tape-recorded death.
You watch the clip and tell me otherwise.
I've never been to journalism school, which is why I'd be even better at conducting an interview like this one. If Christina Hendricks was less than three feet away from me and mentioned taking a bath, I'd immediately begin imagining her with clothes (or pubic hair.) And before long I'd be masturbating so furiously that they'd have to clear the studio, lest everyone be drowned in the resulting tidal waves of my goo.
Now you might say that it would be a display of the most dramatic lack or professionalism in the history of broadcasting, and you might be right. But it would also be as romantic as hell. No woman that has seen that has been able to resist it.
So I might lose a career, but I would gain Christina Hendricks.
Waitasecond, this post wasn't supposed to be about me, was it?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Nikki Sixx is an Understanding Fellow
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Nikki Sixx used to do a lot of heroin. Then he died for a few minutes and was taken to the hospital. He then went home and did an even bigger shot of smack than the one that had just, um, killed him. Y'know, because he was dedicated, which is admirable in it's own way, I suppose.
After deciding that dying on a regular basis probably wasn't the best career plan, Sixx went to rehab and got clean for a few years before deciding that cocaine was indeed yummy. He went to rehab yet again and, by all accounts, has remained sober.
Amazingly, this makes Nikki Sixx one of Motley Crue's lesser fuck-ups. He never went to the hoosegow for hitting his starlet wife, like Tommy Lee did. And he can actually bend at the waist, a feat far beyond guitarist Mick Mars. Sixx just died once more than everybody else eventually will.
Oh, and he never actually killed anybody other than himself, which stands out in the pantheon of tales of the Crue.
Singer Vince Neil can't say that. On December 8th, 1984, Neil ran out booze at a party and decided to go on a beer run in his De Tomaso Pantera. This turned out to be a bad idea, given that his blood alcohol level was 0.17, nearly twice California's then-limit of 0.10. Neil's Pantera hit an oncoming car head-on, killing his passenger, Hanoi Rocks drummer Nicholas "Razzle" Dingley, and causing serious brain damage to the driver of the other car.
California being California, Neil was ordered to pay $2.6 million in restitution, and sentenced to 200 hours of community service, five years probation and a grand total of 30 days in County Jail. Because he's so awesome, he was released after 15 days.
It gets better. In the group autobiography, The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band, Neil confessed that Sheriff's Deputies were letting him bang groupies in jail.
To show how truly repentant he was, Motley Crue titled their 2003 box set Music to Crash Your Car To and, in 2007, Neil started a tequila company. So it stands to reason that he'd get busted for DUI again last month.
Thankfully, Nikki Sixx - the "brains" of the Crue - is an understanding fellow. After all, all of this drinking and driving won't fuck with their summer tour, which is what's really important. Priorities, people!
Look, I get that Vince Neil is a 49-year-old fuck-up with an awesome gift for being pathetic. That's a major part of his appeal. But Nicholas Dingley never got to enjoy those years of his life because Neil killed him when he was just 24. That poor bastard's dead, and ol' Vince is out doing the same selfish, stupid shit that killed him 25 years ago.
So fuck the goddamned tour, Nikki. I'm sure that life will continue just fine if we aren't subjected to Dr. Feelgood yet again. If the Nevada courts have any balls or brains, they won't let your drunken dolt of a singer out of the state until his trial's over.
They'll also let O.J Simpson know that he's got company coming.
After deciding that dying on a regular basis probably wasn't the best career plan, Sixx went to rehab and got clean for a few years before deciding that cocaine was indeed yummy. He went to rehab yet again and, by all accounts, has remained sober.
Amazingly, this makes Nikki Sixx one of Motley Crue's lesser fuck-ups. He never went to the hoosegow for hitting his starlet wife, like Tommy Lee did. And he can actually bend at the waist, a feat far beyond guitarist Mick Mars. Sixx just died once more than everybody else eventually will.
Oh, and he never actually killed anybody other than himself, which stands out in the pantheon of tales of the Crue.
Singer Vince Neil can't say that. On December 8th, 1984, Neil ran out booze at a party and decided to go on a beer run in his De Tomaso Pantera. This turned out to be a bad idea, given that his blood alcohol level was 0.17, nearly twice California's then-limit of 0.10. Neil's Pantera hit an oncoming car head-on, killing his passenger, Hanoi Rocks drummer Nicholas "Razzle" Dingley, and causing serious brain damage to the driver of the other car.
California being California, Neil was ordered to pay $2.6 million in restitution, and sentenced to 200 hours of community service, five years probation and a grand total of 30 days in County Jail. Because he's so awesome, he was released after 15 days.
It gets better. In the group autobiography, The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band, Neil confessed that Sheriff's Deputies were letting him bang groupies in jail.
To show how truly repentant he was, Motley Crue titled their 2003 box set Music to Crash Your Car To and, in 2007, Neil started a tequila company. So it stands to reason that he'd get busted for DUI again last month.
Thankfully, Nikki Sixx - the "brains" of the Crue - is an understanding fellow. After all, all of this drinking and driving won't fuck with their summer tour, which is what's really important. Priorities, people!
The singer's car was pulled over by police as he drove through Las Vegas last month and he was detained on suspicion of driving under the influence (DUI).Y'know, it's my considered legal opinion that Vince doesn't "handle his affairs in the way right for him to handle them." That's sort of how the fucking police got involved. And his "demons" are pretty spectacular in that they've already created one corpse.
Neil is facing one count of DUI-Liquor and police are also investigating allegations he was embroiled in a scuffle with a female fan who claimed he broke her camera outside the city's Hilton Hotel.
But Sixx is convinced Neil won't let his personal problems have a negative impact on the band - insisting they are all set to join Ozzy Osbourne's Ozzfest tour, which kicks off on 14 August in Devore, California.
Speaking on his radio program, The Side Show with Nikki Sixx, the rocker says, "No, it's not gonna affect the tour at all. I mean, listen, we all struggle with different demons in our life and I think that Vince is not unlike anyone else in the band. He handles his affairs in the way that's right for him to handle them."
Look, I get that Vince Neil is a 49-year-old fuck-up with an awesome gift for being pathetic. That's a major part of his appeal. But Nicholas Dingley never got to enjoy those years of his life because Neil killed him when he was just 24. That poor bastard's dead, and ol' Vince is out doing the same selfish, stupid shit that killed him 25 years ago.
So fuck the goddamned tour, Nikki. I'm sure that life will continue just fine if we aren't subjected to Dr. Feelgood yet again. If the Nevada courts have any balls or brains, they won't let your drunken dolt of a singer out of the state until his trial's over.
They'll also let O.J Simpson know that he's got company coming.
Consumer Suggestions: The Shake Weight
Anyone who knows me can tell you the deep appreciation I have for physical fitness. For example, I have personally mastered every sport that somehow involves cigarettes, Guinness, syringes and fucking. Not that I want to brag, but I look awesome without a shirt.
Being such an expert on exercise, I try my best to look out for you folks, sort of like a sexy, sexy Bill O'Reilly. And from time to time, I see a product that could very well make you as amazing as I am.
Which brings me to the Shake Weight.
Now, if I know anything about exercise - and I know everything there is to know - it's that there actually is such a thing as overdoing it. Over-working your muscles can permanently damage them. Especially for girls. They are, after all, the fairer sex.
That's what makes the Shake Weight problematic. There's no mechanism that tells a young lady when she's working too hard. While she might enjoy "feeling the burn", that should only be a temporary thing. Take it from me, ladies: No man wants an overly muscular crippled broad on his arm.
If the Shake Weight was a truly responsible product, there would be some kind of alarm in it that alerts a woman that she's been using it too long and risks serious injury. Maybe a stream of liquid that spurts out and hits her in the face after, say, ten minutes. That's about all you need for a healthy workout.
But the commercials sure are fun to watch.
Being such an expert on exercise, I try my best to look out for you folks, sort of like a sexy, sexy Bill O'Reilly. And from time to time, I see a product that could very well make you as amazing as I am.
Which brings me to the Shake Weight.
Now, if I know anything about exercise - and I know everything there is to know - it's that there actually is such a thing as overdoing it. Over-working your muscles can permanently damage them. Especially for girls. They are, after all, the fairer sex.
That's what makes the Shake Weight problematic. There's no mechanism that tells a young lady when she's working too hard. While she might enjoy "feeling the burn", that should only be a temporary thing. Take it from me, ladies: No man wants an overly muscular crippled broad on his arm.
If the Shake Weight was a truly responsible product, there would be some kind of alarm in it that alerts a woman that she's been using it too long and risks serious injury. Maybe a stream of liquid that spurts out and hits her in the face after, say, ten minutes. That's about all you need for a healthy workout.
But the commercials sure are fun to watch.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The GOP's Department of Muslim Outreach
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Sunday, July 25, 2010
Everybody Knows the War is Over. Everbody Knows the Good Guys Lost: The Vindication of "Taliban Jack"
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I liked Republicans a whole lot better when they were unanimously committed to the Weinberger Doctrine, which became far more widely known as the Powell Doctrine. After the nightmare of Vietnam, it seemed the most plausible way for a superpower to conduct a sensible foreign policy.
The doctrine consisted of six central points;
1. The United States should not commit forces to combat unless the vital national interests of the United States or its allies are involved.
2. U.S. troops should only be committed wholeheartedly and with the clear intention of winning. Otherwise, troops should not be committed.
3. U.S. combat troops should be committed only with clearly defined political and military objectives and with the capacity to accomplish those objectives.
4. The relationship between the objectives and the size and composition of the forces committed should be continually reassessed and adjusted if necessary.
5. U.S. troops should not be committed to battle without a "reasonable assurance" of the support of U.S. public opinion and Congress.
6. The commitment of U.S. troops should be considered only as a last resort.
Not only was that realistic, it was a truly conservative view of military policy. It is important to remember that, rhetoric aside, Republican presidents were historically far more reluctant to administer force than their Democratic counterparts, often in the face of harsh objections from their own conservative factions.
President Eisenhower refused to launch a preemptive nuclear strike on the Soviet Union; and did not accommodate the recommendation of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to use nuclear weapons against China to resolve the first Quemoy and Matsu crisis. Although he expanded the Vietnam War into neighbouring Cambodia, President Nixon rapidly deescalated the American force commitment and ended the draft that was tearing the United States apart. President Reagan was almost constantly hectored by his right wing to send U.S combat troops into Central America, and responded by saying "Those sons of bitches won't be happy until we have 25,000 troops in Managua, and I'm not going to do it."
All of those, of course, occurred before the rise of the so-called "Neoconservatives." Up until the end of the Nixon Administration, the neocons were all Democrats, and usually either admirers or staff members of Senator Henry "Scoop" Jackson. They were, in foreign policy terms, liberal activists of the Woodrow Wilson mold, believing that the expansion of democracy by force would be the best protection of U.S interests.
It was only during the Ford Administration that they started becoming Republicans. They served in low to middle levels in the Pentagon and State Department during in the Ford and Reagan administrations, although to no great effect. As they began occupying senior positions in the first Bush Administration, they became more and more activist, as exemplified by a draft of the 1992 Defense Planning Guidance memorandum, written by then Undersecretary of Defense, Paul Wolfowitz. Once the DPG was leaked to the New York Times, senior Bush officials were outraged and ordered it recalled and rewritten because it so inflamed American allies around the world.
During the Clinton years, the neocons became even more emboldened, using the offices of the Project for a New American Century to call for, among other things, regime change in Iraq. Many of those in the Project took senior positions in the second Bush Administration. Their activist influence, combined with Donald Rumsfeld's "light footprint" doctrine of combat, led to what became the military disasters in Afghanistan and Iraq.
Moreover, President Bush's military adventures never had "clearly defined political and military objectives", nor the "capacity to accomplish those objectives."
After it became clear that al-Qaeda had vacated Afghanistan for Pakistan and that Osama bin Laden would be neither captured or killed, the mission came to be defined by girls going to school and building a Western-style democracy. Both are laudable, but neither is what great powers has traditionally used force to accomplish.
When it became clear that weapons of mass destruction would not be found in Iraq, the war became one of liberation, "rape rooms, anti-Baathism (although the Baath Party of Iraq was never really the problem, Saddam Hussein was), changing the Middle East through the expansion of democracy, and "fighting the terrorists in there so we don't have fight them here", although there was a notable paucity of jihadi terrorists in Iraq prior to the 2003 invasion.
The problems of U.S policy, however, were most pronounced in Afghanistan. Because the administration decided that the Taliban would be dealt with by the CIA and a tiny contingent of Special Forces, the bulk of the ground fighting was carried out by the Northern Alliance, themselves no strangers to corruption, narcotics trafficking and war crimes. It was only in 2002 that regular forces and NATO troops entered the country, largely for the purpose of stabilization and "mopping up" operations.
And almost as soon as they appeared, American assets started to withdraw. Military intelligence and CIA assets began being redeployed for the oncoming war in Iraq. Because the Americans, the attack on whom precipitated the invasion of Afghanistan, began withdrawing, the remaining NATO forces lacked the domestic political support to carry out offensive operations against the Taliban.
By 2005, as the chaos in Iraq was nearing its height, the Taliban was resurgent, first in Afghanistan, then in Pakistan. There was almost no attention paid to Afghanistan and Pakistan by the U.S government or media. The ground war was essentially being fought by British, Canadian and Dutch forces, with aerial support by the United States. Because imprecise air strikes, often based on targeting information provided by rival domestic tribal factions, killed so many civilians, Afghan support for the foreign intervention began to slowly decline.
The government of Hamid Karzai, crippled by corruption and unable to do anything about the bombing within its own country, began speaking of some sort of accommodation with the Taliban. That's the political atmosphere in which the populations of the non-American NATO countries began reassessing their commitment to the Afghan mission.
The Dutch announced that they would be withdrawing, the Germans are under heavy pressure to do so, and the Canadian minority Conservative government announced in 2007 an end-date of the summer of 2011. Canada stated that they would extend their mission on Kandahar only if it received a credible partnering agreement from NATO, which was not forthcoming.
At around the time of the Canadian parliamentary debate, the leader of the New Democratic Party, Jack Layton, called for some sort of Afghan coalition agreement with the Taliban, which, come to think of it, wasn't all that different from Karzai's own position. For his trouble, members of the Tory government and their friends in the media and blogosphere branded him "Taliban Jack." It was a disgusting display that was well beneath everybody involved.
I disagreed with Layton at the time. I hoped that either an Obama or McCain administration would commit something close to what was necessary to win in Afghanistan and somehow convince NATO to participate. By December of last year it became clear that this would never happen.
President Obama was about as courageous as he could afford to be, given the split among the American people and the almost uniform opposition of his political base. But it isn't enough, and it never will be. American domestic support for the war was cratering well before U.S servicemen began coming home from southern Afghanistan in record numbers. That being the case, the remaining nations of NATO don't have the political capital to participate in anything close to a proper "surge." And without that, a counterinsurgency cannot succeed.
The war is over. We lost.
Even if we train the greatest indigenous army and police forces in human history by next summer, or 2012, or 2016, or even 2020 ... it won't be enough for one simple reason: The cost of an Afghan-run counterinsurgency will cost more than the country's gross domestic product. No one has even bothered trying to explain to me how Kabul is going to run a $14 billion counterinsurgency with a $10 billion economy.
The idea that the West is going to financially support Karzai after we withdraw is fanciful at best, and an outright lie at worst. The United States abandoned Afghanistan after the 1989 Soviet withdrawal, and the world economy was pretty healthy then. It isn't now.
So the governing Conservatives have essentially adopted Jack Layton's position that the only way to exit Afghanistan is by arranging Taliban participation in the Karzai government. That is now the offical policy of the Canadian government.
Of course, Layton's wrong in suggesting that there will be any "coalition" with the Talibs. Things just don't work out that way in Afghanistan, and they never have. The Pashtun Taliban will immediately overthrow Karzai and his Uzbek and Tajik supporters and the country will descend again into the chaos of civil war. We'd be lucky to get even the "decent interval" that the Nixon administration sought in Vietnam.
On the other hand, that's irrelevant. NATO has repeatedly demonstrated that it was never serious about this war. The Bush Administration certainly wasn't, and without the United States, there was never any real reason for NATO to be in Afghanistan at all. The current policy is merely delaying the inevitable.
If terrorism emanating from Afghanistan is the main problem, that can be resolved without war. Without Pakistani support, the foreign jihadists, such as al-Qaeda, wouldn't be in Afghanistan at all. Pakistan requires them to bulk up and carry out the insurgency in Indian-occupied Kashmir, which coincidentally began the year after the Soviets evacuated Afghanistan. Afghanistan also provides Pakistan with strategic depth from which to battle back a hypothetical Indian invasion. And to accomplish that, Islamabad needs reliable Pashtun allies in power there. The Uzbeks and Tajiks are allied with Russia and Iran, and Karzai himself is increasingly in New Delhi's camp.
Al-Qaeda isn't known to have participated in the anti-Indian Kashmir jihad, but it is allied with several groups that are. Pakistan created the monster that is now destroying it, but they won't kill it only to continue to be under a mortal Indian threat. Unless and until there's a resolution to Kashmir satisfactory to Islamabad, Afghanistan will always be a terrorist haven. Pakistan will not abandon its own vital national interests just to allow NATO to withdraw because we're bored with and afraid of war.
The real counterterrorism war now is to bring enough diplomatic pressure on India to settle the Kashmir dispute, preferably by the referendum the United Nations called for 60 years ago. That should have been linked to the deal that essentially exempted New Delhi from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, but it wasn't because of strategic short-sightedness by the Bush Administration.
Afghanistan could have been won early by administering overwhelming force in the first six months of the war. If the United States hadn't farmed out the war to unreliable Northern Alliance mercenaries, al-Qaeda likely would have been utterly destroyed by the spring of 2002. After a speedy withdrawal, the Iranians - who very nearly invaded Afghanistan in 1999 - could have contained or destroyed the Taliban and limited Pakistan's influence.
I doubt that Jack Layton was ever a supporter of the Weinberger-Powell Doctrine, but he's wrong about a lot things. That doesn't make him "Taliban Jack" and it never did. But he was right when almost everybody else, including me, was wrong.
Special thanks to Alison at Dawg's Blawg.
The doctrine consisted of six central points;
1. The United States should not commit forces to combat unless the vital national interests of the United States or its allies are involved.
2. U.S. troops should only be committed wholeheartedly and with the clear intention of winning. Otherwise, troops should not be committed.
3. U.S. combat troops should be committed only with clearly defined political and military objectives and with the capacity to accomplish those objectives.
4. The relationship between the objectives and the size and composition of the forces committed should be continually reassessed and adjusted if necessary.
5. U.S. troops should not be committed to battle without a "reasonable assurance" of the support of U.S. public opinion and Congress.
6. The commitment of U.S. troops should be considered only as a last resort.
Not only was that realistic, it was a truly conservative view of military policy. It is important to remember that, rhetoric aside, Republican presidents were historically far more reluctant to administer force than their Democratic counterparts, often in the face of harsh objections from their own conservative factions.
President Eisenhower refused to launch a preemptive nuclear strike on the Soviet Union; and did not accommodate the recommendation of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to use nuclear weapons against China to resolve the first Quemoy and Matsu crisis. Although he expanded the Vietnam War into neighbouring Cambodia, President Nixon rapidly deescalated the American force commitment and ended the draft that was tearing the United States apart. President Reagan was almost constantly hectored by his right wing to send U.S combat troops into Central America, and responded by saying "Those sons of bitches won't be happy until we have 25,000 troops in Managua, and I'm not going to do it."
All of those, of course, occurred before the rise of the so-called "Neoconservatives." Up until the end of the Nixon Administration, the neocons were all Democrats, and usually either admirers or staff members of Senator Henry "Scoop" Jackson. They were, in foreign policy terms, liberal activists of the Woodrow Wilson mold, believing that the expansion of democracy by force would be the best protection of U.S interests.
It was only during the Ford Administration that they started becoming Republicans. They served in low to middle levels in the Pentagon and State Department during in the Ford and Reagan administrations, although to no great effect. As they began occupying senior positions in the first Bush Administration, they became more and more activist, as exemplified by a draft of the 1992 Defense Planning Guidance memorandum, written by then Undersecretary of Defense, Paul Wolfowitz. Once the DPG was leaked to the New York Times, senior Bush officials were outraged and ordered it recalled and rewritten because it so inflamed American allies around the world.
During the Clinton years, the neocons became even more emboldened, using the offices of the Project for a New American Century to call for, among other things, regime change in Iraq. Many of those in the Project took senior positions in the second Bush Administration. Their activist influence, combined with Donald Rumsfeld's "light footprint" doctrine of combat, led to what became the military disasters in Afghanistan and Iraq.
Moreover, President Bush's military adventures never had "clearly defined political and military objectives", nor the "capacity to accomplish those objectives."
After it became clear that al-Qaeda had vacated Afghanistan for Pakistan and that Osama bin Laden would be neither captured or killed, the mission came to be defined by girls going to school and building a Western-style democracy. Both are laudable, but neither is what great powers has traditionally used force to accomplish.
When it became clear that weapons of mass destruction would not be found in Iraq, the war became one of liberation, "rape rooms, anti-Baathism (although the Baath Party of Iraq was never really the problem, Saddam Hussein was), changing the Middle East through the expansion of democracy, and "fighting the terrorists in there so we don't have fight them here", although there was a notable paucity of jihadi terrorists in Iraq prior to the 2003 invasion.
The problems of U.S policy, however, were most pronounced in Afghanistan. Because the administration decided that the Taliban would be dealt with by the CIA and a tiny contingent of Special Forces, the bulk of the ground fighting was carried out by the Northern Alliance, themselves no strangers to corruption, narcotics trafficking and war crimes. It was only in 2002 that regular forces and NATO troops entered the country, largely for the purpose of stabilization and "mopping up" operations.
And almost as soon as they appeared, American assets started to withdraw. Military intelligence and CIA assets began being redeployed for the oncoming war in Iraq. Because the Americans, the attack on whom precipitated the invasion of Afghanistan, began withdrawing, the remaining NATO forces lacked the domestic political support to carry out offensive operations against the Taliban.
By 2005, as the chaos in Iraq was nearing its height, the Taliban was resurgent, first in Afghanistan, then in Pakistan. There was almost no attention paid to Afghanistan and Pakistan by the U.S government or media. The ground war was essentially being fought by British, Canadian and Dutch forces, with aerial support by the United States. Because imprecise air strikes, often based on targeting information provided by rival domestic tribal factions, killed so many civilians, Afghan support for the foreign intervention began to slowly decline.
The government of Hamid Karzai, crippled by corruption and unable to do anything about the bombing within its own country, began speaking of some sort of accommodation with the Taliban. That's the political atmosphere in which the populations of the non-American NATO countries began reassessing their commitment to the Afghan mission.
The Dutch announced that they would be withdrawing, the Germans are under heavy pressure to do so, and the Canadian minority Conservative government announced in 2007 an end-date of the summer of 2011. Canada stated that they would extend their mission on Kandahar only if it received a credible partnering agreement from NATO, which was not forthcoming.
At around the time of the Canadian parliamentary debate, the leader of the New Democratic Party, Jack Layton, called for some sort of Afghan coalition agreement with the Taliban, which, come to think of it, wasn't all that different from Karzai's own position. For his trouble, members of the Tory government and their friends in the media and blogosphere branded him "Taliban Jack." It was a disgusting display that was well beneath everybody involved.
I disagreed with Layton at the time. I hoped that either an Obama or McCain administration would commit something close to what was necessary to win in Afghanistan and somehow convince NATO to participate. By December of last year it became clear that this would never happen.
President Obama was about as courageous as he could afford to be, given the split among the American people and the almost uniform opposition of his political base. But it isn't enough, and it never will be. American domestic support for the war was cratering well before U.S servicemen began coming home from southern Afghanistan in record numbers. That being the case, the remaining nations of NATO don't have the political capital to participate in anything close to a proper "surge." And without that, a counterinsurgency cannot succeed.
The war is over. We lost.
Even if we train the greatest indigenous army and police forces in human history by next summer, or 2012, or 2016, or even 2020 ... it won't be enough for one simple reason: The cost of an Afghan-run counterinsurgency will cost more than the country's gross domestic product. No one has even bothered trying to explain to me how Kabul is going to run a $14 billion counterinsurgency with a $10 billion economy.
The idea that the West is going to financially support Karzai after we withdraw is fanciful at best, and an outright lie at worst. The United States abandoned Afghanistan after the 1989 Soviet withdrawal, and the world economy was pretty healthy then. It isn't now.
So the governing Conservatives have essentially adopted Jack Layton's position that the only way to exit Afghanistan is by arranging Taliban participation in the Karzai government. That is now the offical policy of the Canadian government.
Of course, Layton's wrong in suggesting that there will be any "coalition" with the Talibs. Things just don't work out that way in Afghanistan, and they never have. The Pashtun Taliban will immediately overthrow Karzai and his Uzbek and Tajik supporters and the country will descend again into the chaos of civil war. We'd be lucky to get even the "decent interval" that the Nixon administration sought in Vietnam.
On the other hand, that's irrelevant. NATO has repeatedly demonstrated that it was never serious about this war. The Bush Administration certainly wasn't, and without the United States, there was never any real reason for NATO to be in Afghanistan at all. The current policy is merely delaying the inevitable.
If terrorism emanating from Afghanistan is the main problem, that can be resolved without war. Without Pakistani support, the foreign jihadists, such as al-Qaeda, wouldn't be in Afghanistan at all. Pakistan requires them to bulk up and carry out the insurgency in Indian-occupied Kashmir, which coincidentally began the year after the Soviets evacuated Afghanistan. Afghanistan also provides Pakistan with strategic depth from which to battle back a hypothetical Indian invasion. And to accomplish that, Islamabad needs reliable Pashtun allies in power there. The Uzbeks and Tajiks are allied with Russia and Iran, and Karzai himself is increasingly in New Delhi's camp.
Al-Qaeda isn't known to have participated in the anti-Indian Kashmir jihad, but it is allied with several groups that are. Pakistan created the monster that is now destroying it, but they won't kill it only to continue to be under a mortal Indian threat. Unless and until there's a resolution to Kashmir satisfactory to Islamabad, Afghanistan will always be a terrorist haven. Pakistan will not abandon its own vital national interests just to allow NATO to withdraw because we're bored with and afraid of war.
The real counterterrorism war now is to bring enough diplomatic pressure on India to settle the Kashmir dispute, preferably by the referendum the United Nations called for 60 years ago. That should have been linked to the deal that essentially exempted New Delhi from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, but it wasn't because of strategic short-sightedness by the Bush Administration.
Afghanistan could have been won early by administering overwhelming force in the first six months of the war. If the United States hadn't farmed out the war to unreliable Northern Alliance mercenaries, al-Qaeda likely would have been utterly destroyed by the spring of 2002. After a speedy withdrawal, the Iranians - who very nearly invaded Afghanistan in 1999 - could have contained or destroyed the Taliban and limited Pakistan's influence.
I doubt that Jack Layton was ever a supporter of the Weinberger-Powell Doctrine, but he's wrong about a lot things. That doesn't make him "Taliban Jack" and it never did. But he was right when almost everybody else, including me, was wrong.
Special thanks to Alison at Dawg's Blawg.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
An Eerie Harbinger of Things to Come?
Posted by
Unknown
at
2:21 PM
Labels:
America the Beautiful,
Fun With Politics,
Handicapping Democracy
0
comments
You simply have to love the Taiwanese and the prophecies.
Having said that, if Palin campaigned solely on a platform of stripping and mud-wrestling, I'd find a way to vote for her.
Having said that, if Palin campaigned solely on a platform of stripping and mud-wrestling, I'd find a way to vote for her.
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