Look, everyone knows that nothing raises the pheromones quite like an evening with the Canadian Jewish Public Affairs Committee. There can be no denying the almost palpable sexual tension that overwhelms any and all of their functions. I personally blame them for the teen pregnancy crisis of the 1980s.
Thursday was an exciting day for everybody. The weather started not sucking so bad and it was the great and good Dr. Reverend's birthday. It was CJPAC. Former mayoral rival Sarah Thomson was there in her newly dreadlocked and fine-assed glory and, y'know, things happen.
She joined people queuing to meet and have photos taken with Ford, whom she frequently debated as rival candidate during the 2010 civic election, and then chided him for not attending her recent transit forum.
“He told me he was in Florida and I should have been with him because his wife wasn’t there,” Thomson told the Star on Friday. “I didn’t expect that. Rob doesn’t normally act that way towards women, so I was a little bit shocked, and then we posed to get our picture taken and he grabbed my ass during the pose.”
As I said, these things happen. There are times in our lives when passion rules and when it causes us to dare, we dare greatly. It might not always play out the way we'd prefer, but when passion rewards us, it rewards us greatly. That's just the way love works, people.
Far be it from me to criminalize romance, like the Goddamned Liberal Media continually insists on doing, but hasn't Etobicoke Slim caused himself enough trouble?
That's not to say that the oafish shithead is admitting anything. That's fucking crazy talk. Nope, within hours of the story breaking, Boy Rob reached deep into his Nixonian soul and denied everything.
“Last night I had the pleasure of attending a wonderful event to support the Canadian Jewish Political Affairs Committee.
“This is an event that is attended by numerous political leaders and where I have been a guest in the past.
“Early this morning, false allegations were made regarding a number of disgusting actions. I am shocked, dismayed and surprised. I can say without hesitation that they are absolutely, completely false.
“What is more surprising is that a woman who has aspired to be a civic leader would cry wolf on a day where we should be celebrating women across the globe.
“This is a day we should all take the time to reflect upon the women in our lives and in our society. It is a day when we can envision the changes we want to make in our communities to ensure that all people are equal and that violence and discrimination against women comes to an end.”
In my opinion, everyone would've been better off if he just said something like this ...
Lookee, bitches, don't you know who I am? I have a literal shit-ton of money and a cool job. Those are the kind of things that broads go for. Oh sure, they'll say they don't, but they're just as shallow as the fucking voters. Talk sternly and promise them enough cool shit, and both are yours.
By the way, just look at me, will ya? What skirt in her right mind could say no to a doughy, entitled dope that sweats from the sternum? Dykes, that's fucking who! Did I mention that I coach football for would-be thugs and serial rapists? I'm not saying that I'm a great guy, I'm saying that I'm the best guy ever!
Listen to the socialists moan about how I tried to get my pecker wet the night before International Women's Day, fer chrissakes! Well, I was celebrating, too. Just a few hours early. More importantly, I'm of the considered opinion that every day is a day worth celebrating poontang! Especially when my crazy fucking wife isn't around.
Goddamn, I need a drink! And can we get some R. Kelly up in this motherfucker? Mayor Daddy needs to dance!
Anyone who peruses my archives knows that I endorsed Sarah Thomson in 2010 and voted for her, even when she dropped out and endorsed George Smitherman. My loathing for Hizzoner is also nothing short of legendary. Some of my best recent writing has detailed that hatred at length. Not only am I better writer for hating Rob Ford, I'm a better man.
But neither of things colour my opinion all that much. The real question is: "Why would Sarah Thomson lie?"
Thomson is enough of a big shot in this town that she can get media attention pretty much whenever she wants it. And even though I voted for her, I'm not exactly hearing a Moby Dick-like drum chorus for a repeat performance.
Even if she is laying the groundwork for another run, this is the kind of allegation you drop two days before an election, not two years. Who's even going to remember this story in the fall of 2014, especially given Hizzoner's legion of other fuck-ups; past, present and future?
On the other hand, she might be nuts. This is, after all, a woman in mid-40s with dreadlocks and isn't known to have sired children with Bob Marley, or even Peter Tosh. It seems unlikely, but the possibility can't be entirely ruled out.
But what does Ford have going for him? Even the Mayor's staunchest defenders aren't stupid enough to seriously suggest that he's actually innocent of anything anymore. Instead, they just argue that he isn't scuzzy enough to be thrown out of office because of it.
I'm personally inclined to believe Thomson's story, if only because it perfectly fits a narrative that Ford's own conduct over twelve years has assiduously built. It's almost impossible to imagine a level of assholerly that this idiot won't stoop to. If you told me that he wanted to buy that park next to his house because he had run out burial space for freshly murdered whores on his own property, I wouldn't dismiss it as quickly as you might think I would.
That's the problem with Ford. Each and every negative story about him has been true enough to make the next one at least plausible. The only question that arises now is, "Is this worth forcing a new election over?"
And you know what? It's well past time that conservatives stop defending this asshole. While it helps him mightily, it only destroys conservatism in this city.
There's pretty much no saving Ontario Provincial Conservative leader, Tim Hudak, who is going to face his second almost fetishized humiliation this spring. But Stephen Harper faces the very real possibility of having his Toronto seats divided up between the NDP and Liberals in 2015, a possibility that's more likely if a self-destructive Rob Ford is still in office.
The Ford phenomenon isn't unlike what's happening with the Republicans in the United States. Their loonier candidates discourses on the merits of rape babies makes it difficult for well-meaning voters to elect rational conservatives who could give a shit about such nonsense. So the left wins by default.
Because of the way that the left works, I'd say that Ford is still the favourite to win in 2014. But that isn't going to help Tim Hudak, who has maybe a dozen chromosomes too many, and it will almost certainly hurt Harper in area code 416, and possibly 905.
Don't forget, Toronto is still a fundamentally liberal city. We only elect conservatives when the left implodes on itself. But we're still, far and away, the biggest and most important city in the country. We carried Jean Chretien to victory three times in a row. Harper only won his majority when he started carrying seats in the Greater Toronto Area.
Want an even more liberal Harper government? Keep Ford in office and let the Liberals and the NDP run against him, instead of Harper. If you think that Harper won the GTA seats that he did last time for any reason other than the Liberals were in a state of national collapse, you're fucking kidding yourselves.
Even if he's re-elected, Ford will be the last "conservative" mayor of Toronto in a good long time. At some point, you have to count on the left getting their all their shit in one sock. If Olivia Chow loses in 2014, she'll have a virtually lock on 2018. And who will we have?
Ford has to be stopped from running again, and only conservatives can do that. His amen choir in the media and the stupid fucking blogosphere has to understanding that this is about something bigger than Rob Ford. I understand the urge to protect him from removal during his elective term, but anything after that is an act of self-mutilation.
When Ford becomes shorthand for conservative in this city, conservatives are fucked, both municipally and provincially. And we're going to be handicapped more than we have to be federally.
Worse than that, we destroy ourselves on the one thing that's supposed to matter - principle. It's bad enough that Conservatives have rallied around Harper's spending spree and pretended that it's something other than what it is. Defending Ford's continued self-destructive behaviour instead of calling him on it is an open invitation for no self-respecting person to take our calls for personal responsibility seriously ever again.
If nothing is ever Ford's fault, why is anything anyone else's fault?
At that point, what conservatism even mean?
The worst part of the Sarah Tompson allegations is that they buried this story, which should horrify anyone that knows anything about anything. If you want to truly estroy the conceptof good government, turn they keys over to the fucking lobbyists. I can't think of a faster way to do it.
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