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If there's one thing that you folks out there need to know about me, it's that I love tits. I love big tits, small tits and every size in between. There's just something about a good set of jugs that puts a smile on my face and a spring in my step. One of my favorite ways to pass the time is take a lady's aroused nipple betwixt my teeth and gently pull until her loins explode with delight.

When an awkward doofus spray paints his hair orange and does something unspeakably shitty, people call it a tragedy. But if, say, Lindsay Lohan does it, no one thinks it's that bad.

Why is that, you might ask? Well, Lindsay Lohan has unbelievably nice tits and science tells us that the owner of unbelievably nice tits can do whatever the fuck they want. That's just God's Law, people!

I know that humanity just isn't serious about civil rights and won't be until we recognize the under appreciated heroism of the Topfreedom movement. The fact that the Rosa Parks of swinging funbags, Guelph, Ontario's Gwen Jacob doesn't have statues built in her honor is an insult to everything that mankind is supposed to stand for.

Moira Johnston is fighting for freedom, too. Well, okay, not really. Women have been able to go topless in New York State without fear of police molestation since 1992. Ms. Johnston feels that the Big Apples broads aren't exercising their freedom enough and wants to raise awareness. And that's more than a valid point. Topfreedom was legally recognized in Ontario in 1991, and you know how many bare titties I've seen on the streets of Toronto since then? None is how many.

Obviously that isn't as it should be. Freedoms only exist when they're exercised. When they're ignored, they atrophy and die. Don't believe me? Look at the Fourth Amendment. And the First.

I admire Moira's heroic work, and wouldn't want anyone thinking otherwise. But women are generally uptight, particularly about breaking out their titties in public, which I blame on bad parenting. There's centuries of social conditioning at work here that need to be broken, and I humbly submit that this might be a touch beyond Ms. Johnston's meagre .. abilities.

No, there comes a time when the really big guns need to be broken out if you're in the revolution game. Moira Johnson took the important baby-steps, and she should be forever recognized for that. But there's one giant leap for mankind  her sisters out there that's waiting to be taken.

Yes, I'm saying that it's time for Kat Dennings and her formidable funbags to take up the fight! Or Christina Hendricks! Or even Kate Upton! Or all three! On a trampoline! For freedom!

Some things just can't be done halfway.



Famous porn star April O'Neil knows how to do it in a gif that I couldn't possibly embed here, lest you all get fired. Follow her example, preferably when I'm shopping.